OMG!

That friggin' Usher song. It's killing me. My 6 year old. She hears the lyrics and sings the songs now. I'm not ready for this.

Her favorite: "honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow...honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow"...WTF?

OMG?

She cracks up laughing when it comes on. And we do both giggle. I mean she is knowledgeable. She knows the dealio. She's hip. She's Happnin'. She's cool like that. But I'm a mom now. Am I supposed to allow this type of content on my car radio?

Am I supposed to be THAT mother that doesn't allow crap like that in my house? I fucking curse like a smelly pirate hooker. How can I not let it in? I'd be a hypocrite.

So, the "radio be poppin poppin low." I guess. Right?

I can't NOT let her listen. I can just simply and calmly explain it when she asks. Just like I did when she asked where babies come from, or what happens when you die? Or, I could let Usher teach her..




Now, someone. Please help. How do I explain what a "Disco Stick" is?

FaceTimeSuck

Facebook.

I can't quit you.

I have a blogging account. I have a personal account.

I am addicted to the latter.

On the upside, I have reconnected with some really cool people from my past that I have truly missed. I have gathered them under my wing and let them know how sorry I am for losing them in the first place. I have made great efforts to keep them close.

It is nice to catch up.

However, why do the people I DON'T want to befriend hound me?

I've ignored your request to play wordscramble once. How many times do I have to ignore you before I have to block you totally?

I love seeing friend's pictures. I love reading their updates.

But I have a life, no?

How do I incorporate real life into facelife?

This is the dilemma?

How will I continue the love affair once work starts up again? The major dilemma.

I can't lose those people all over again. Really.

How do you mange your internets and your reality?

What to do? What to do?

I woke up this morning at 8am.

F woke me up actually. With hugs and kisses and a nice warm cuddle. Heaven.

Then, I realized with a slight fear in my heart.

I have nothing to do today.

I have a 5.5 year old here. Asking, "What are we doing today?"

What the?

I think we may go bike riding. We may go to the park. Maybe even walk the dog. Maybe we'll have a playdate later.

We may go see a friend's new home.

Okay. This is shaping up to be a nice day.

I need to savor this moment. It won't last forever. I know that.

Have a good day.

The grass is always greener...

My daughter wishes so badly she was older. She is torn between still wanting things done for her yet wanting to be independent of me...I don't blame her.

I on the other hand, wish I was a kid again. I wish I was carefree, bill-free, worry-free, free to be. Watching her struggle with her independence only makes me feel sorry for her. She doesn't know yet what it's like to not be able to pay a bill, to worry about sickness and death. To wonder what steps you could have taken to make it turn out differently. And I can't tell her. She must learn all this for herself. THAT is hard for me to deal with.

She thinks I don't understand. Oh! But I do. I understand it well. I have been 5 years old. She has never been 37.

I have been to the place on my mother's lap where safety isn't just a thought, it's a constant. I know what it's like to be in kindergarten for the first time wondering what my mother was doing while I was away. I know of scraped knees and bruised egos.

She thinks I don't get it.

She wants to be a drumming veterinarian when she grows up. She will have a parrot in her waiting area and I will be answering the phones and calling the pets in at their turn. On the weekends, she will practice the drums for the pets she takes home to care for...I want those things for her too...

But, I know life's twists and turns may lead her in many directions before she settles on one thing focus. I watch her make decisions, I see her challenge herself many times a day. I know she is on her way to all that her dreams may lead her.

I wish I was there again. Not just with her, guiding her. But for myself. I wish the doors were opened in all directions letting the possibilities in from all sides. I wish I had some of it to do over again. I wish I had my mothers lap to sit on just one more time.

But I do have my daughter. I have her waiting to play 'Candy Land' with me. I have her watching as I sew the holes in her stuffed "patients". I have her comfortably on my lap, talking to me like she knows she can. Sharing the ups and downs of five. Wishing for a moment we were in each other's shoes, then stepping back and enjoying the right now. Because we'll never have this moment again.

School is Cool...and other reasons to let go.

...At least that's what I think.

But then again, I need a break.

Don't get me wrong, Fa loves school too. Should I be offended that she runs right into the classroom to play with her friends and ignores the likes of me?

I leave feeling a little deflated, but so proud of her independence. It's all I could ask of her, really.

Strange dichotomy isn't it?

Wanting her to love it so much and feel comfortable enough to let go. But then, wanting her to need me just a little longer.

You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

This weekend she had her first sleepover at her grandmother's house. With her cousins. All girls. (Poor woman.)

Fa enjoyed herself so much that she; a) didn't want to leave and b) wanted to have "another sleepover next weekend"...Hello? Wanna know what I did during the sleepover?

I missed her. I stressed. I hyperventilated a bit.

Well, The Pro and I did have a very nice "date". That was one good thing. It was really nice to reconnect again. I love our dates. They are always so much fun. And I start to feel like we're on the 'same page' again after some time of reading two different books.

I got drunk, of course.

Then I woke up at 6am ready to go and pick her up.

Not reasonable, I know. But I was missing her terribly. And I couldn't breath all that well.

She didn't even ask to call us.

And when we got there, she seemed, well...disappointed. Damn it.

But my Dad gave me a really good pep talk. He said that's what I want. I want to see her strong and independent. He said "You know, you have to let go."

I know it.

But it's so hard.

How did he do it? He seemed quite good at it, honestly.

I feel by letting go it's making her stronger and more self sufficient. But in the same breath, by letting her go, my heart breaks into shards each time I see her leave. Even if for just a little while. It's a sign of the future. Having to let go. For good.

Oh!

My aching heart.

Is school the precurser to and independant life for her, or for me?

Summer Lovin'

I love summer.

This is how we've been spending our latest days.

Butterfly watching in our very own garden.

Making ourselves 'wrinkled as raisins' from all the water.

Keeping all the wildlife happy.

Celebrating the birth of new life

(our new baby cardinals: see Mamma?)

That's Daddy keeping a watchful eye all day long.

They live in this tree right off of our porch.

And they have neighbors.

All leaving lasting impressions on my heart.

"Arriba, Arriba, Andele! Andele!"

Feliz Cinco de Mayo amigos!

Hope you all have a great day and muchos muchos coronas y besitos!!!

We had a laid back weekend.
The Pro and Fa took a "Parenting for Dad's class" on Saturday and I gotta tell ya, that's a real turn on, people. When your kid's father takes this much interest in being a father...and not just a father, but a fricken' ass-kicken one at that. He took a "Parenting for Dad's class"... hello?

We also went to visit a farm all the way out on the island. We get our organic veggies delivered from this place and they put on a tour so you can see where your money goes. It was wonderful.
Fa had a ball actually pulling some veggies from the ground.

I'll leave you with last night's sunset. Kind of pretty, huh? I know. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Free to be

Busy, busy, busy...

We went to the American Museum of Natural History last week to see the Butterfly Conservatory. Fa and I are into butterflies. She was skittish, almost punching her father in the face trying to duck out of the way of the butterflies flight path...afraid they were going to land on her.

Not me.I'm sweet as a daisy?

He stayed there for a while...until I had to give him up...

It really was cool.

Then we took Fa to the dinosaur exhibits. Do you know she recognized all the dinosaurs by name? "That looks like the 'King of the Dinosaurs'...T-Rex"..."That's a Stegosaurus, look at his plates"..."Look a triceratops!...See his three horns?"

On and on... Maybe she'll be an archaeologist one day. That'd be cool.

We've been enjoying the nice weather and the city and I've been taking in my little girl, watching her grow by the second. I can't believe how big she's getting.

It seems like yesterday, she was a helpless little, colicky lump. Now, she's a thinking, reasoning, reading, talking, learning, running, skipping, dancing lady. I don't think she walks anywhere, it's always a skip or a chasse.

Her joy brings tears to my eyes. Her hope and innocence sends me reeling.

I hope she maintains that spark and that light throughout her life. For with it in her eyes, she can be anything she wants to be, do anything she wants to do...(as long as she takes me with her.)

Hey, a mom can dream.