Saturday.

This is the first Saturday in forever that we have nothing to do.

Spring is here. Full of promise.

I woke up this morning thinking I had to go to work. I was so thrilled when I realized it wasn't so.

It's raining out.

I came downstairs to Fa on the couch watching cartoons. I made coffee. Husband has to work on Saturdays but only for a few more weeks.

Saturday Basketball is over. He was coaching her team. They rocked together.

Saturday softball starts next month. I can't wait to see her try something new.

She wants to go to summer sports camp this year. I'm so proud of her. She's actually really good at basketball.

I have nothing to do today. I could clean, organize our sloppy stuff. I have so much to get rid of, donate. Or I can just sit here and relax. I've been really stressed lately and my bidy could use the rest.

I could watch movies with my girl. We could use the snuggle time.

The cats are playing with each other making crazy cat noises. They were both sick. Healthy again. I love the way they make me happy.

Right now is so nice. Nothing to think about. Nothing to do.

I'm content.

Can this feeling last forever?

It's a lazy Saturday Mamma. Enjoy it.

Hookey Schmookey

We were planning to play hookey tomorrow.

Me and my girl.

But as Marsha Brady once said, "Something suddenly came up."

The kid doesn't want to miss school.

What she said: There's a "really special assembly tomorrow and I really don't want to miss it."
What I heard: "Mom, you suck. I'd rather spend time at the mill than be with you."

I know that's not what she meant.

But dammit if I wasn't looking forward to the day off.

And really? MY KID WANTS to go to SCHOOL? Have I not taught ANYthing?

I've failed as a parent.

So I expected...

Ya know. When ya turn a new decade and yer life feels like its in the shitter and you just can't believe you got this far and feel this low. You kinda expect to squeeze into the new decade kinda like this guys face:

But. Everything's the same.

I feel the same. My job still sucks. I am still stuck in a rotten situation at work that I can't get out of and I am the same person as yesterday. Crying during my commute.

Big whoop.

Why did I work myself up into a frenzy.

Yes, I need to make a change. And I don't yet know what that change is.
Yes, I need to maintain balance in this life and continue to find joy in the small stuff.
Yes, I have the greatest little girl and husband in the whole wide world.
Yes, I know.

But at least I don't  look like this guy.

February is a time for me to reminisce...

Since my birthday is in 6 days, it seems February and the weeks following my birthday makes me melancholy. (it doesn't take much)...but I'm noticing that my meloncholy state runs throughout the year...

This post was written in Feb. Makes me cry.

This post gives me goosebumps.

This one is a reminder to me every day.

And this one truly opened up my heart and healing for probably the very first time on here.

There are so many depressing posts on here, intertwined with some joy and laughter...But I wrote this blog for my daughter and I'm starting to think she may only see a darkness in her mother that I have been trying to hide form her from day one.

Maybe it's just my temperament. Husband says my default mood... is.... bad.

He's not wrong.

I'll be 40 in 6 days. Half my life is over. I've lived longer without my mother than I have with her. I miss her every single second of every singel day and it's 23 years she's gone. She was 48 when she died.

There goes that whole, It'll happen to me fear too.

I need a change of scenery.  A new career, one that gives me pleasure, not pain. I have some ideas. Ideas that take time from work and money. I need to figure out a plan.

I can't let the last half of my life be a repeat of the first half. Otherwise, I've let my daughter down.

Any suggestions?

I don't care.

I'm really stressed out.
Work is kicking my ass.

I'm worried I'll be stuck in a school that I'm not happy to be in.
I love my co-teacher. She gets me through. But the place itself. Oh.

I'm really in a place of introspection. Why did I choose this career? Why do I dislike it so? Why can't I really do what I payed thousands of dollars to do? (My master's degree is basically useless.) I'm stuck in a place literally and figuratively that I'm not happy with. How do I get out? I really hate being a working mom. Do I continue to be a working mom and try for another child? Do I just cut my losses and dredge on? Do I try to make a change in my career?

All this (and more) circles my brain on a daily basis. And I can't get out of my head. Makes getting to work almost impossible.

If it weren't for work, I'd be pretty content right now. But I have to make a living. We need my income and my medical benefits. That's the only reason I'm working.

Is that a reason to teach? Little kids are depending on me being present emotionally and physically every day. And I'm disappointing them. At least I feel like I'm disappointing them.

I went to my old school yesterday to try and get back there. It looks optimistic, but it's not definitive yet. I need an answer. I hate being in limbo. The position I really want, I can't have. No special ed degree. Why did I spend so much money on a useless degree? I even sent out resumes. Big deal. If I start in a new place, I lose tenure (something seemingly impossible to reattain) I can't afford to start over again.

I hate feeling like this. I need to clear my head and my aura. I need a fresh outlook. I need to find the good in the place I'm in right now. I need to meditate. On a better place. In life and in work. Because if work is good, then life is good. I deserve that. My family deserves that.

The ongoing joke with my friend and co-teacher is "I don't care".



It clears the negative energy from the room...and makes us laugh. But in reality, I DO care. I want to make a difference. I want to be universally happy. I want to want to care.

However, for now to get me through...I'm gonna belt it out whenever I feel tense....

SING IT...I DON'T CAAAAAAAREEEEE!

I'm Off

No really, I'm off.

From work.

For a whole 5 days. + the weekends. Do they count?

I want to accomplish so much. I will get to do nothing. I'll sit. I'll veg. I'll do the laundry. The piles are deafening.

I'm off my rocker too.

So much in my head.

My daughter thinks I'm looney. In a good way. I think.

She laughs very hard at me. Most of the time. In a good way. I think.

This week, I plan to do a lot to entertain her. Ice skating. Roller skating. The mall. Wait. That one's for me. I will try my hardest not to be a lazy ass.

My nature is to be a lazy ass. My nurture says otherwise.

So this week. My winter break. I will entertain my daughter. Myself, and maybe even my husband. (If he's lucky.)
Prolly not.

My plans will be conquered. My goals will be met. Wait. I have work to do too. Will I do it? Nope. My bag will remain in my car the entire week. Then Monday I will drive to work staring at the bag. Wishing I would have been a tiny bit motivated.

Oh well. I'm only doing my best. My best may not be good enough. But it's MY best. Not anyone elses.

I'm off.

Why can't I just be a lazy ass anyway?

Workin' like a dog...

Working Class Dog
Rick Springfield 1981

So... that's exactly what I've been doin' thankyouverymuch. Workin. Like. A. Dog.
I know my usual readers have forgotten me. But I still browse you now and again. Hi.

I've been freakishly busy and hatin' it.

But in the process, I'm reading. Good books.

The most recent. Rick Springfield's  new book "Late Late at Night"! God, I love this guy.
He was a HUUUUUGE crush back when I was a little girl. And I gotta tell ya, I'm still crushin. He's adorable. (Does he want to be called that?) Too bad. I think he is. A.Dor.A.Ble.

He's so honest and up front and so real. SO REAL. Love that.

I've also indulged in the two Russel Brand Book(y)s. I adore him too. Yum.

So, I am finding time to read escape this busy life I've made for myself. Yet, I can't find time to enjoy it.

I am also loving 1st grade. I mean...I'm not loving it personally, for myself. I'm loving it for my little girl. Who happens to be rocking first grade.

I'm getting by in 4th grade. Literally.

Fa is thriving. Loving life. I am vicariously living through her eyes. For many reasons.
1) Her eyes are gorgeous.
2) Her fresh look is just that, refreshing.
3) I wish I was her. (She's an amazing person)
4) She helps me to relive a little childhood. Something I've never really wanted to do before. Her gorgeous eyes are little windows to her childlike wonder. I envy that in her. Yet I adore it all at the same time.

I love her for that.

She makes my heart smile.

She makes my soul breathe.

She is my best little girl.

I hope one day she will know that everything I do...(even when I hate doing it) I do it for her.

Because workin' like a dog, is all worthwhile when I see how happy she is.

I've gotten some new ink...to represent my love for her.
One looks like this:

And the other:

All symbols of the deep deep love that she has inked into my heart.

My life is for her. Happy or sad. Good or bad. 

All for her.

So, I work like a dog to provide. While sneaking bits of joy when I can.

Wake me up when September comes...

I've met my new Co-Teacher. I think we click.

I like her a lot. I like her personality, she's down to earth. I like her ideas, she's young and fresh. I like her humor, we laughed about silly things together. I'm excited.

She has given me a comfort that she doesn't even know she could. She's someone I can bond with (I want to bond with) in the world of education in a new environment for me. She's someone I already know in a new school. And she's accepted me as a friend and colleague in one lunch meeting.

I feel so comfortable with the idea of working with her. I look forward to it in fact.

And I have someone I can relate to that will be with me in the classroom all the time. Keeping me company and helping me along. I hope I will do the same for her.

We're meeting in the classroom next week to set up. I am finally looking forward to it.

It was like a blind date.

I was nervous to meet her. But as we talked and as we shared similar ideas, we got more and more comfortable. We started the "date" with a handshake and ended it with a hug!

Could it be? I might just have a good year ahead of me? I'm thinking positive here...wait a minute, that's not like me at all.

I'd better stop now before I conjure up images of unicorns and begin farting rainbows. That'll send me right to the funny farm.

:)

3 weeks

In 3 weeks I'll be back to the grind.

Summer's over.

I'm not looking forward to it. I've enjoyed my summer immensely. I wish it would last forever. But then again, what does?

My daughter is starting 1st grade and I will be teaching 4th. I have to get back to crazy mornings, afterschool programs, sick days, planning my week for home and work. Grading, report cards, parents.

And I'm starting a new school. Talk about more CHANGE.

I don't think I can handle more change.

But looks like once again I must.

I'm meeting my Co-Teacher today. She sounds like a lot of fun. Hopefully she will motivate me to enjoy my year. I don't want to put that much pressure on her though. Poor thing is stuck with me all year. I just hope we have a fun year.

I'm going to miss my home school, the school I started teaching in 10 years ago. I'm going to miss lazy mornings and beach days and spending the most precious time with my beautiful daughter.

I'm going to miss my tan.

I'm trying to be positive. It can't be worse than last year, my first year back after 5 years off. I struggled. I cried daily. I complained. By June I had my footing and I was forced to change once again.

I must be stronger than I think.

I've re-joined the gym for physical and emotional motivation. I think that helps me a lot.

I am thankful for my daughter and all the joy she brings to my heart. I am looking forward to watching her grow this year. I am looking forward to seeing her succeed.

I am always looking forward. 3 weeks from now, a year from now, a decade from  now...

This was the first summer I lived the moment. And I liked it.

I'm going to try to live the moment this school year (even though I'm thinking forward as I type those words). It's a good way to do it.

And  a lot of deep breathing.

We'll see.

Damn That's Good Stuff

Got to the beach today. Yay. I needed that. What a nice day to veg. And play.

This image reminds me so much of me, it's crazy.

We love digging for crabs, sunning, collecting shells and rocks, catching the little minnows that nip at our feet in the water. It's a blast. Our best days are spent right here at this beach. Not 5 seconds from our front door. Lucky? Youbetchya.

As the Girl wades and swims, I am reading The Book Thief. 

I can't put it down. Read it. It's a book that you will never forget. It is a Historical Fiction Novel narrated by death. Can you imagine? Death with a voice and a sense of humor? And sometimes not. I love it.

Speaking of books, read this one too...The Help.

My first audio book from iTunes. I couldn't stop listening. It was heartwarming, heart wrenching and fun and another really great Historical Fiction piece.

Oh, and The girl reads now too. Like she's been reading her whole life. Her suggestions:

1) Diary of a Worm.

Her favorite parts, and I quote Doreen Cronin. "May 28th...Last night I went to the school dance...You put your head in, you put your head out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about...That's all that we can do."

and "June 15th...My older sister thinks she's so pretty. I thold her that no matter how much time she spends in the mirror, her face will always just look like her rear end."

Comical.

2) Junie B. Jones Books. Since she's going into 1st grade, The Girl is into Junie B's. First Grade adventures.

3) Anything from this knucklehead:

Hey, it's promoting her literacy skills...Don't judge.

Since elementarty school started she's into the "Big Girl" Nick shows like iCarly, Big Time Rush and Victorious just to name a few. And I gotta say, I like them. They are cute and harmless and she loves to dance and sing to the music. And okay so there's a little kissing between the sexes, but what evs? She's gonna see it anyway. Make it taboo and it becomes something born out of curiosity. Then where am I?

Listen, this kid knew where babies came from at 3. I'm not holding back any info here. Ignorance may be bliss but Knowledge is Power.

She's one smart cookie. I can't hide anything from her. And I won't. I'd rather her fird out from me than some stupid kid in her class.

Speaking of growing up. We've had that "stranger danger" talk again. I've come up with two good rules for detecting trouble. Yes, you may use them. 

1) An adult will NEVER ask a child for help with anything. Finding a puppy, kitten, lost child...period.

2) If a Stranger approaches, run. How do you define a stranger you ask? Well, a stranger is someone you've never sat at a table with to have dinner.

I know, kids can be abused by family members and people they know also. We talk about that too. I've told her the deal. I can only hope I've armed her enough. She's already had to deal with bullying kids and kids who can't keep their hands to themselves in school, I think she's getting it. I think she's toughening up too. It's hard and it takes time. But I try to get her to talk to me as much as I can. All the more now because when she's a crabby teenager, I'm lucky if I get a grunt.

That's why bonding on days like today. Rocks. I love these summer days. The ones where we can enjoy each others company and chit chat and giggle...

I love 6. 6 Rocks.

Oh, I gotta go...iCarly is on and I want to watch it....

I have no excuse.

My suckage is magnified. I miss you all. I really do.

My Google Reader was just opened (since March) and I felt like I was home.

Facebook has taken over. Life has taken over. Time refuses to stand still for me.

But I just read a post from my dear friend Margaret that prompted me to say. I miss you all...

Who know's if anyone will ever realize that I posted something? I hope some of you do. If not.

Just know I am still here...Still breathing, sometimes hyperventilating.

My daughter starts Kindergarten in September. And I am going back to work the exact same day as her. I am dreading this new phase in our lives. I have so much guilt and regret for certain things this past year and I feel unable to change things at this point. So work it is. For now.

So. I will need a venting place. This will be it. I hope you are all still along for the ride. I would hate it if you weren't.

Yesterday was my 8th wedding anniversary. And there are some days that I can't believe we are still married then there are most other times when I realize I really can't live without him. How have I fallen so hard? I dunno. But I am grateful for his presence.

Summer is almost over. I have so much to do for the fall. School supplies for her have been purchased. For me, not so much. I am stalling. I don't want to go back.

I lie. I would like to want to go back. I am looking forward to the company of adults and using my brain again. I miss teaching.

But I am afraid I'll be missing so much of my little girl's first school year. I can't let that happen. Any suggestions? Help.

Well, off to swim class now, then a playdate. I am truly busy. But you are all on my mind. Daily.

About A Mom. Me.

I totally snatched this from "Problem Girl".
I think this fits perfectly with my goal to maintain a journal for Fa....

1. What is something mom always says to you? You love me.

2. What makes mom happy? Me.

3. What makes mom sad? Not me.

4. How does your mom make you laugh? You make funny faces.

5. What was mom like as a child? Like me.

6. How old is your mom? 76

7. How tall is your mom? 60 feet

8. What is her favorite thing to do? Kiss me.

9. What does your mom do when you are not around? Lay on the couch.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what would it be for? Me.

11. What is your mom really good at? Punching the dog in the head.

12. What is your mom not very good at? Not punching the dog in the head.

13. What does your mom do for work? Nothing.

14. What is your mom's favorite food? Salad.

15. What makes you proud of your mom? You're mommy.

16. If your mom was a cartoon character, who would she be? I don't know.

17. What do you and your mom do together? Hug.

18. How are you and your mom alike? We both have brown hair.

19. How are you and your mom different? She has short hair and I have long hair.

20. How do you know your mom loves you? 'Cause I know.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? He hugs her.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? Home.

She's not a girl of many words this morning...I'm shocked.
Actually, this is quite accurate. Except! I am SO not 76. I feel 76, but I'm NOT 76.

Hello Out There

Ahem, is this thing on? *Brushing off the dust from the keyboard*

Hi.

I'm here. Things have been crazy lately. But I guess that's a good thing. Or not. I don't know.

SO, so, so very much going on. I'm on the Executive Board at Fa's school. (Busy-ness magnified.) I've had a miscarriage. (I don't even want to go there.) I'm constantly running around with Fa. (Fun in the middle of the storm.) Business is not good and money is tighter than ever. (Nothing you all don't know about)... However, there is still not enough time energy to write a decent post and I refuse to just give a laundry list of ALL the crap that's been going on. I've been trying my best to get it all organized enough for the people who still stop by here now and then. Maybe this is my way of getting rid of the cobwebs and starting again!!!

In the meantime...Here's a few of my older posts that explain what I'm going through...

There is oh so much more to say.

Thank you for stopping by my friends!

I'll be back.

What hiatus?

So, after the meeting with the friend after seven years?

Yeah, after about an hour...it was like we saw each other last week. Not seven years ago.

The kids got along great, the moms chatted and caught up. We had lunch.

I found out that when you are showing off at two, you're adorable and when you are showing off at almost five...not so much.

We really did have fun. Her family is good, we shared pictures and happenings.

We planned to see each other next week again. It was nice.

Turns out she's not all that far from me so get-together's are not only possible but totally easy to do.

So yeah, so far so good. Forgive me for being guarded but this is still new here and I really don't know what to expect. It all happened so fast. One minute she's gone for good, the next I'm on her couch eating a bagel...She knows more about me from the past than anyone other than K (who moved far, far away) So it's nice to reconnect to that. I know more about her the same way. So having her back in my life would really be a treat for me. Especially since you are all aware of my IRL friend situation, or lack thereof...

I harbor no hard feelings toward her, it seems she feels the same. I look forward to catching up. But you know me...Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As of right now, I am grateful for the reunion that we had. I look forward to other shared moments. I hope that we can remain friends and share the rest of our lives together.

I am happy we found each other again and I am happy it feels like 'old times' all over again.

But I would not be all that surprised if it just for some reason, didn't work out. Ya know?

I'll keep you all posted. Promise.

Halloween Hangover

So I'm still hungover from all the candy. Or am I crashing? I'm not sure.

All I do know is Soccer is over for the season, I'm on a sugar high, I found out this week that my father has prostate cancer and I have potentially reconnected with a friend after a 7 year hiatus. Wish me luck on that one.

I have a lot going on and not enough stamina to type it all out there.

But I am meeting up with said friend tomorrow. After 7 years. After a huge fight that ended bitterly. After kids. After marriages. After just being grownups.

I hope things work out for the best.

I'll keep you posted.

As for Dad. Yeah, I am not processing that one yet. I'll hafta get back to you on that one. Would I be selfish if I asked you to send good vibes all around?

I pledge...

Ok. So now that I got that off my chest... I want to thank you all for your amazing comments.

And in a very special comment from a very special blog friend about my last post. I was challenged to make a pledge.

So, today I pledge to Annie to remain positive even when I feel very negative.

And my very first positive thought to this pledge is this:

The very best thing about blogging is all the wonderful connections I've made while airing out my "Dirty Laundry". I am grateful to all of my special blogging friends. And I am thankful to be a part of their lives.

(Quite appropriate don't you think, for a first blog pledge?)

Thank you Annie for your kind words and your idea to stay positive. I needed that.

Smart TV

Peek-a-BooI see you.

Hi.
We are obsessed with this show these days.

Duck is me. In blue. A lot sarcastic and smart assed. Peep is Fa. Inquisitive and curious and a problem solver.


It's a smart show too. Have you seen it? Scientific discoveries in a real life setting. Making learning about science real by connecting it to real life situations... using cute as a button characters. Every kid big and small will fall in love with them. I love it.

Know what else Fa and I totally crack up at:

I love that monkey. And the show is really smart too. Builds vocabulary and word recognition.

Oh! And this too:

Click it to get to the site.

Why didn't I think of that? Actually I did. When I was in a classroom I used to do a project like that with the kids...Drawing the words inside the shapes that they represent like 'apple' and 'fish'. Now there's a show that does just that.

Teaches reading and word building skills. Helps the visual learner (as I am) to recognize letters and words and their sounds and meanings. Brilliant, I tell you.

Whaddya think? Is too much of THIS kind of TV a bad thing? I think you know my opinion. What's yours?

It's Way Too Soon

I can't even TRY to change the subject.

She won't let me get away with this much longer.

Avoidance and plain talk doesn't fly with this kid.

She wants answers. Answers to questions that her little mind can't possiby compute.

Answers that will for sure cause a raucus in her innocent little mind and not translate very well to her preschool friends.

How do I explain how she was made?

How does "We wanted a baby and mommy and daddy made you" become not good enough for an almost 5 year old?

How do I explain that she's not adopted (where the hell does she learn this?) and that she is ours, made from us?

How do I explain why she was in my belly and how she got there and how she got out?

'Cause lemme tell ya, she ain't havin' the short version for much longer people.

It is way too soon for this, dear me.

I was thinking.

If I poured this

Into one of these pineapple flavors...


Could I get this?

Inquiring minds want to know.

What I love...

I've been taking inventory lately of things that have made me smile in the past few months...I decided that besides my husband and my daughter these are the things that do it for me, keep me happy and make my day. I want to share them with you. Maybe you'll find something new to make you smile.

Weezer

Mario

California Baby

My new phone

Classic Movies

New Movies

Hair Bands

Coffee

Food Shopping

The Beach

The Allstar Game

Vacations

The zoo

Strawberry Field

Toys

Makeup

Laughing

Reading

Big Stores

Furniture Stores

Flat Screens

Computer screens

Reality TV

and all of you.

Happy Thursday.