Tuesday, October 21, 2008

It just doesn't add up...or does it?

17: the age I was when my mother died.

31: the age we were when we had our daughters.

5: Fa's age (almost)

365: the days I think about leaving too soon, like my mother did.

12: the years I have left with her (according to the math). 

0: the probability I'll die the same age my mother was of the same disease.

67,991,345,999,672: times I day I think about this.

infinity squared: the love in my heart for my daughter plus the sadness I feel for my mother plus the guilt I feel for even the slightest chance I may leave her motherless.


  1. aw, hon. obviously there is no way that i can feel what you feel, since i didn't lose my mother at the young age you did.

    but i CAN tell you that it's time to smell the roses ... and try to stop looking at their thorns.

    enjoy your girl.

  2. 12 - the number of months maximum until I get my ass on a plane (with kidlet and mark) to New England for margaritas (do you have good margaritas in NY???) with you or until you and fa get your butts on a plane here.


  3. Okay...
    I worry about Matthew being taken from me....

    a lot..

    but then I remember what his cardiologist told me when I was begging him how long Matthew had to live...

    He said,

    "I can't tell you that. Do you know when you are going to die? Do you know when I'm going to die? You can die today driving home.
    None of us know how long we will be here on Earth... so..
    please try to enjoy him. None of us know how long we'll be here".

    I hope this helps you..
    this helps me about 20 times a day.

    I love you..
    and peace my friend.

  4. Oh honey. I'm sorry.
    On a smaller level I know this. My sister died at age 9 and my siblings and I all breathed a huge sigh of relief on our 9th birthdays. We'd made it. So morbid for such little kids, but true.
    Wishing peace and comfort for you.

  5. I'm sending you a (((BIG HUG))), bloggy friend.

    Mark 11:22
    "Have faith in God," Jesus answered.

    When I have questions, doubts, and insecurities about the events in my life, I pray about them, and although I still don't always like or understand the reasons "why" I am going through something so difficult, this verse tells me very plainly what I need to do in order to make it through. I pray today that Jesus' words will also comfort you.

    God Bless,

  6. Oh Sweets! Focus on that probability being 0 part, k? I know that's easier said than done... So I'm sending you a great big squishy hug too!

  7. Bless you sweetie. I have a similar worry. My father died when I was 3, leaving my jobless mother with 2 toddlers. When the Mountain Man survived beyond the Queen's age 3 1/2 mark, I breathed a bit easier, but it's always in the back of my mind. Of course it's probably irrational, but that doesn't make it less worrisome.

  8. Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you are thinking that way...though it's totally understandable. But, please try to stop because the anxiety isn't good for you. You are not your mother.

  9. From the mother who's reduced to a blubbering mess about things that didn't happen, or might never happen - I understand this tendency to focus on the negative 'what ifs?'.

    How about we both make a pledge to consciously focus on the postives? You really helped me a couple of weeks ago with your truly positive response to my questions. I want to do the same for you.

    Fa is the reason you're being so proactive with your health. She, and your mom, are the reasons that you could speak with knowledge and experience to my concerns a couple of weeks ago - they are making you into a very positive influence on others.

    Enjoy Fa - Enjoy you! and HAVE FUN :)

  10. Your thinking makes complete sense to me.

    My sisters and I each breathed a sigh of relief after we passed the age when my mother went crazy. We were all hoping the same thing wouldn't happen to us!

  11. I get the loneliness, although I think it is harder for you because you knew what it was like to have a mom.

    Hang in there girl. Love is what you have right now!

  12. I see you've already followed up with a positive post.. and that is good.

    I, too, want to encourage you not to waste another thought on what could be and instead see what is.



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