Mammographies Rock.

Not really.

But they do help in the early detection of breast cancer. So I go for them every year. Sonograms too. Those, I think I hate worse.

I've been going for 10 years now. I started at 30 because my mother passed away from breast cancer when I was 17. 23 years ago. 23. Years. Ago.

I'm living longer without her than I lived with her in my life.

There was a time when I was younger. 17, 18 ish. That I wanted to die. To be with her. (Kinda thinking was warped I know.) So I never performed breast self checks, or anything. I didn't care. That truly lasted til' I turned 30 when my gynie insisted I go for my very first mammogram due the the family history and all.

I cried during the entire process. (theres an ongoing theme in my life) AND I made my husband/boyfriend at the time go with me. Literally, in the waiting rooms where men weren't allowed and all. I was petrified. I insisted he be there.

All was fine, and I was literally forced to go yearly. I didn't care. I didn't want to go.

Then, I had my daughter.

It all changed from there.

I was obsessed with my boobies. Grabbing and checking and feeling like a freak. In the shower, out. In bed, getting dressed, undressed. I'd even make my husband feel once in a while to see if I was imagining things.

I didn't want to leave her like I was left. (Another psychological carnival, I know)

But eventually I learned that feeling once a month was okay to do. So I do. And if I feel something, my doctor makes me go for a mammo/sono even if it's not time. He's very sympathetic and I heart him.

click the image to learn how

I try to make the best of it because even though I'm getting better at accepting the loss of my mother, I still get very anxious at the diagnostic center. I wear my gown like a cape, I ask about what they do with women with big, hanging boobies, I even ask to see the images and make them explain everything they're doing. Even though I've heard it all before. And I "criggle". I cry and giggle mostly the entire time. 

But I do it. 

I do it for my daughter.

I do it for myself.

I do it for my husband.

I do it for my family.

I do it because I want to be proactive with my health. I want to know what's going on in my body.

So, I suggest you do it too.

And ask the technicians what they do with women with big, pendulous breasts. Unless of course you are one of those women. Then tell me what happens to you. or....Tell me the reaction you get. Because they laugh like crazy when I ask.

So I expected...

Ya know. When ya turn a new decade and yer life feels like its in the shitter and you just can't believe you got this far and feel this low. You kinda expect to squeeze into the new decade kinda like this guys face:

But. Everything's the same.

I feel the same. My job still sucks. I am still stuck in a rotten situation at work that I can't get out of and I am the same person as yesterday. Crying during my commute.

Big whoop.

Why did I work myself up into a frenzy.

Yes, I need to make a change. And I don't yet know what that change is.
Yes, I need to maintain balance in this life and continue to find joy in the small stuff.
Yes, I have the greatest little girl and husband in the whole wide world.
Yes, I know.

But at least I don't  look like this guy.

I'm 40 Today

I haven't really said it out loud to many people. I'm still in denial.

 Most days I feel 21. Some days I feel 80. Today, I'm just happy to be here.

 I've seen so many people my age not make it past 40 that I just feel grateful that I'm here.

 I'm struggling, yes. I am trying to *still* find my way. But I'm here and I'm a mom and a wife and a friend and a daughter and a niece and I am grateful for that today.

 Tomorrow, I'll be cranky again.

 But today. I'm 40.

 And my family showed me love, undeniably awesome, and made me feel special. And my husband has been my angel so many times, today is just another one of those times.

 I've received phone calls and texts and emails and facebook posts from friends and they showed me love.

And I feel joy.

Happy Birthday to me.

Is someone watching me?

Oh! By the way. On my 40th bday, this post was featured on Birthtouch.com by Kathy M., the moderator there. Here's the link to the amazing "share your story" segments of her website. Her writeup about my Postpartum experiences makes me proud to be a part of her internet home...if you need help, you can always start there for info...

Enjoy your day. I did.

Poor Kitteh

My kitteh has been sickly.

IV inserted. :(

He's only 4 months old. He has a bad tummy. Or he has a pancreatic deficiency that renders his pancreas unable to produce certain digestive enzymes. It's treatable but we are hoping it's the tummy ache.

His older Brother...

I hated him when he was here, I miss him when he's gone.

...Could take him or leave him. But I will be devastated if little brother is suffering. 

I'm really trying to keep the boys healthy and happy, so hopefully they will live long, wonderful, snuggly lives.

Feb Photo Days 4 & 5

I like these. They make me happy.

Click to get to Jeroxie's site explaining a bit.

Day 4: A Stranger

Day 5: 10AM

Go Giants.*

*I could care less about the Giants. It just seems like the thing to do.

SE7EN

It's begun.

The horror movie of motherhood.

The Se7en year itch.

One minute I'm the best thing that has ever happened to her, the next, she wants to put my severed head in a cardboard box and mail it to my husband.

What the?

How did this little, easy going lady turn into an academy award winning drama queen?

Is it the year? Really? I wanna know. Is it because she's more aware of the world around her than ever before and let's face it. It's scary. Is it the fact that I am still treating her like a baby? (But she IS a baby!) Does she want to be treated like a "big girl" and how exactly do those things get treated anyhow?

I am at a total loss.

Can you tell?

All I know is I am savoring those moments when she says to me, "Mommy, I don't know what I would do without you in my life!"

Because the next minute she's screaming, "YOU WISH I WAS DEAD! I'LL KILL MYSELF SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME ANYMORE!!!!!" (That's when her head starts spinning and she's cursing me and Jesus and all that is holy.) I'm not kidding.

Those loving moments are still many. Yet, those horror movie dramas are also pretty prevalent in our lives right now. I'll take the good with the bad gladly. But some light shed on the subject of horror movies would benefit everyone in the household. No?

We had a wonderful 7th birthday celebration. It was an "everything I ever wanted in my whole life" kinda celebration. I got much praise for the party, the guests, the food choices...I was a rockstar.

Rock on!

Then, New Year's Eve came rolling around and we rang in the new year at exactly 11:46pm with a knock down, WWE, super tap out cage match. I was devastated that we brought in 2011 with such a scene. Of course, I blame myself. I blame my lack of patience, my lack of motherhood know-how, my lack of a mother to help me out with this crap...And I get down on myself.

But one thing I've learned while 7 crept up behind us...It's not all my fault. Sometimes she's just not gonna get her way, or be happy 24/7, or even accept everything I say as law anymore. Isn't that what growing up is all about. Feeling your oats at 7? Feeling your oats while your daughter feels her oats at motherhood?

I accept the things I can not change. I'm courageous enough to change the things I can. And I have some wisdom to know the difference between the two. I've come a LONG way baby!

I just hope the 7 year old doen't plan on decapitating my in my sleep.

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;...

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Damn That's Good Stuff

Got to the beach today. Yay. I needed that. What a nice day to veg. And play.

This image reminds me so much of me, it's crazy.

We love digging for crabs, sunning, collecting shells and rocks, catching the little minnows that nip at our feet in the water. It's a blast. Our best days are spent right here at this beach. Not 5 seconds from our front door. Lucky? Youbetchya.

As the Girl wades and swims, I am reading The Book Thief. 

I can't put it down. Read it. It's a book that you will never forget. It is a Historical Fiction Novel narrated by death. Can you imagine? Death with a voice and a sense of humor? And sometimes not. I love it.

Speaking of books, read this one too...The Help.

My first audio book from iTunes. I couldn't stop listening. It was heartwarming, heart wrenching and fun and another really great Historical Fiction piece.

Oh, and The girl reads now too. Like she's been reading her whole life. Her suggestions:

1) Diary of a Worm.

Her favorite parts, and I quote Doreen Cronin. "May 28th...Last night I went to the school dance...You put your head in, you put your head out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about...That's all that we can do."

and "June 15th...My older sister thinks she's so pretty. I thold her that no matter how much time she spends in the mirror, her face will always just look like her rear end."

Comical.

2) Junie B. Jones Books. Since she's going into 1st grade, The Girl is into Junie B's. First Grade adventures.

3) Anything from this knucklehead:

Hey, it's promoting her literacy skills...Don't judge.

Since elementarty school started she's into the "Big Girl" Nick shows like iCarly, Big Time Rush and Victorious just to name a few. And I gotta say, I like them. They are cute and harmless and she loves to dance and sing to the music. And okay so there's a little kissing between the sexes, but what evs? She's gonna see it anyway. Make it taboo and it becomes something born out of curiosity. Then where am I?

Listen, this kid knew where babies came from at 3. I'm not holding back any info here. Ignorance may be bliss but Knowledge is Power.

She's one smart cookie. I can't hide anything from her. And I won't. I'd rather her fird out from me than some stupid kid in her class.

Speaking of growing up. We've had that "stranger danger" talk again. I've come up with two good rules for detecting trouble. Yes, you may use them. 

1) An adult will NEVER ask a child for help with anything. Finding a puppy, kitten, lost child...period.

2) If a Stranger approaches, run. How do you define a stranger you ask? Well, a stranger is someone you've never sat at a table with to have dinner.

I know, kids can be abused by family members and people they know also. We talk about that too. I've told her the deal. I can only hope I've armed her enough. She's already had to deal with bullying kids and kids who can't keep their hands to themselves in school, I think she's getting it. I think she's toughening up too. It's hard and it takes time. But I try to get her to talk to me as much as I can. All the more now because when she's a crabby teenager, I'm lucky if I get a grunt.

That's why bonding on days like today. Rocks. I love these summer days. The ones where we can enjoy each others company and chit chat and giggle...

I love 6. 6 Rocks.

Oh, I gotta go...iCarly is on and I want to watch it....

About A Mom. Me.

I totally snatched this from "Problem Girl".
I think this fits perfectly with my goal to maintain a journal for Fa....

1. What is something mom always says to you? You love me.

2. What makes mom happy? Me.

3. What makes mom sad? Not me.

4. How does your mom make you laugh? You make funny faces.

5. What was mom like as a child? Like me.

6. How old is your mom? 76

7. How tall is your mom? 60 feet

8. What is her favorite thing to do? Kiss me.

9. What does your mom do when you are not around? Lay on the couch.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what would it be for? Me.

11. What is your mom really good at? Punching the dog in the head.

12. What is your mom not very good at? Not punching the dog in the head.

13. What does your mom do for work? Nothing.

14. What is your mom's favorite food? Salad.

15. What makes you proud of your mom? You're mommy.

16. If your mom was a cartoon character, who would she be? I don't know.

17. What do you and your mom do together? Hug.

18. How are you and your mom alike? We both have brown hair.

19. How are you and your mom different? She has short hair and I have long hair.

20. How do you know your mom loves you? 'Cause I know.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? He hugs her.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? Home.

She's not a girl of many words this morning...I'm shocked.
Actually, this is quite accurate. Except! I am SO not 76. I feel 76, but I'm NOT 76.

What hiatus?

So, after the meeting with the friend after seven years?

Yeah, after about an hour...it was like we saw each other last week. Not seven years ago.

The kids got along great, the moms chatted and caught up. We had lunch.

I found out that when you are showing off at two, you're adorable and when you are showing off at almost five...not so much.

We really did have fun. Her family is good, we shared pictures and happenings.

We planned to see each other next week again. It was nice.

Turns out she's not all that far from me so get-together's are not only possible but totally easy to do.

So yeah, so far so good. Forgive me for being guarded but this is still new here and I really don't know what to expect. It all happened so fast. One minute she's gone for good, the next I'm on her couch eating a bagel...She knows more about me from the past than anyone other than K (who moved far, far away) So it's nice to reconnect to that. I know more about her the same way. So having her back in my life would really be a treat for me. Especially since you are all aware of my IRL friend situation, or lack thereof...

I harbor no hard feelings toward her, it seems she feels the same. I look forward to catching up. But you know me...Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As of right now, I am grateful for the reunion that we had. I look forward to other shared moments. I hope that we can remain friends and share the rest of our lives together.

I am happy we found each other again and I am happy it feels like 'old times' all over again.

But I would not be all that surprised if it just for some reason, didn't work out. Ya know?

I'll keep you all posted. Promise.

Oh Gourd. You Devil.

Happy Halloween.
My favorite holiday.
I must be happy.

You'd never know it
by the way I've been acting.
Crazy stuff happ'nen.



Some of my favorite scenes from my favorite cartoon:



Fa wants to know why Lucy is so mean to her brother...Great question.

And my favorite Quotes from the same show:



Enjoy your day.
Boo!

***

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Smart TV

Peek-a-BooI see you.

Hi.
We are obsessed with this show these days.

Duck is me. In blue. A lot sarcastic and smart assed. Peep is Fa. Inquisitive and curious and a problem solver.


It's a smart show too. Have you seen it? Scientific discoveries in a real life setting. Making learning about science real by connecting it to real life situations... using cute as a button characters. Every kid big and small will fall in love with them. I love it.

Know what else Fa and I totally crack up at:

I love that monkey. And the show is really smart too. Builds vocabulary and word recognition.

Oh! And this too:

Click it to get to the site.

Why didn't I think of that? Actually I did. When I was in a classroom I used to do a project like that with the kids...Drawing the words inside the shapes that they represent like 'apple' and 'fish'. Now there's a show that does just that.

Teaches reading and word building skills. Helps the visual learner (as I am) to recognize letters and words and their sounds and meanings. Brilliant, I tell you.

Whaddya think? Is too much of THIS kind of TV a bad thing? I think you know my opinion. What's yours?

Now THAT was a tantrum!

Oh I dunno, about two hours filled with screaming and yelling and crying.

Yeah, that was our Sunday night. And no it wasn't me.

It was her.

Door slamming, room confinement, "I'm gonna die in here" threats.

It was So. Much. Fun.

Cursing. Oh the cursing. (Now, that was me.)

I gave up. I did my best and I tried to keep calm with her yelling and him getting more mad by the second.

She was tired, we were tired.

I yelled at him, he cursed at me.

I made him deal with it the rest of the way through.

And ya know what?

He calmed her down, showered her and got her ready for bed. When she finally got to me again. She was weepy but calmer.

I should give up more often.

I learned my lesson.

And all for what?

We had a great day! A great weekend!

She played soccer. Pretty good too, may I add.

Her cousins came to cheer her on.

They ate ice cream and played in the basement.

The basement.

Unsupervised.

Uhm hum....That's how it happened.

She's the only child.

Three older cousins...2 sisters, one close enough sister. Her, the baby. Alone. Tired. Dirty. Cranky.

One of her chalk board drawings, "My most beautiful picture...EVER!" got accidentally erased. (I'm not so sure how accidentally, truthfully.)

Oh! The horror!

Now, I'm not trying to stick up for my only child or anything. I know she can be a little *ahem* dramatically challenged. But, she has never thrown that kinda fit over something that trivial before.

Or has she?

Maybe?

Maybe.

Okay, yes.

She has.

Over something quite similar actually. Not the chalk board, the magic magnet board. And it wasn't family she sent out with threats of hatred and evil screams. It was her best friend. And everyone cried that time too.

You see, she hates to throw ANYthing out. And when she saves something...she saves it.

Especially stuff that is supposed to be 'changed' when the mood strikes. DON'T you dare touch it, or all hell will break loose.

Drawn, originally July '07

Accidentally 'altered', Sept. '08

So, when I heard the piercing screams from my livingroom, you can only imagine what I initially thought?

So, you can also understand why I was skeptical about it being an 'accident'...until I processed the situation. This morning. While I was typing this post.

So, can you see why I let him handle it?

So, Yeah. Now THAT was a tantrum.

Too much (clap,clap) time on my hands...

Playgroupie got me hooked. She introduced me to this site and now I can't stop.
Picnk, the new photo editing service...yeah, I'm addicted.

I've made some pretty damn beautiful edits of pictures of Fa using just the basic package, without paying a cent. Plus:

Previously, I took this series of photos...and now I did this:

What do you like to play with?

Summer Lovin'

I love summer.

This is how we've been spending our latest days.

Butterfly watching in our very own garden.

Making ourselves 'wrinkled as raisins' from all the water.

Keeping all the wildlife happy.

Celebrating the birth of new life

(our new baby cardinals: see Mamma?)

That's Daddy keeping a watchful eye all day long.

They live in this tree right off of our porch.

And they have neighbors.

All leaving lasting impressions on my heart.

For the Love of All That is Holy...Why Oh Why? But so much fun to get on camera.

At least 10 minutes.

That's the approximate amount of time I waited behind "Mary" (Swear that's her real name) and her poor pussy whipped husband in the yogurt aisle. And they were planted there waaaay before I got there.

Poor PW'ed husband: "But Mary, they're all mixed up, I don't know where the sale yogurts are!"

All I wanted was to get in and get out with some yogurt. I don't ask for much.

Am I complaining? Over something as trivial as this? You bet your ass. I snapped them with my iPhone....stealth paparazzi. I love it.

I was thinking.

If I poured this

Into one of these pineapple flavors...


Could I get this?

Inquiring minds want to know.

What I love...

I've been taking inventory lately of things that have made me smile in the past few months...I decided that besides my husband and my daughter these are the things that do it for me, keep me happy and make my day. I want to share them with you. Maybe you'll find something new to make you smile.

Weezer

Mario

California Baby

My new phone

Classic Movies

New Movies

Hair Bands

Coffee

Food Shopping

The Beach

The Allstar Game

Vacations

The zoo

Strawberry Field

Toys

Makeup

Laughing

Reading

Big Stores

Furniture Stores

Flat Screens

Computer screens

Reality TV

and all of you.

Happy Thursday.

I'm showing off again.

We made cards for the pro for his birthday. (And the cake, I know. You can't stand my talents.)

He took Fa's to work with him...Mine are still here...hmmm...

But I'll show you.

This is the inside. It's pop-up.



Why are they not at work with him too?
I guess I know where I stand.

I'm so talented

Celebrating the Pro's birthday was fun. He enjoyed his present: 'Landscaping done for him until the end of the summer'. He said it was the best present he's ever gotten. Yay me.

I got brave and I actually tried to bake a cake. A real one. From a box. But nonetheless edible and frosted.

See:

Nom Nom Nom

Way better than last year's Birthday Blunder which started out alright:



But ended up looking like frosted crap.

Atrocious.

And since I had a whole entire year to contemplate my baking errors...I got creative.

I know. I know. You are amazed at my bakin' skillz.

He was too.

I am even quite the resourceful one when I can't find a piping head that works with the crap-tastic red piping that I bought without reading the label. It was missing a plastic head that piped out the red frosting in a thick tube to make the baseball stitiching...So what did I do you ask?

Thank goodness Fa takes her meds from a spoon now. Looks like something from a horror movie.

Should I start a business? Heh Heh.

He needs pants.

And a dentist.

Remember all the complaints?

So the new vet? Not bad.

I liked him. He was down to earth and he'll squeeze the dog's ass every two months for free! This will avoid major surgery in the long run. I like that. So does my wallet. Or my husband's wallet.

He gave the dog MORE antibiotics for his skin allergies and he told us to try new dog food.

We'll see.

The dog came with us to the Hamptons this weekend and he did fine in the car. No puking or shitting. And he played nice with the other dogs and kids. Good dog.

I still find him irritating and he boils my blood.

Maybe it's the way Fa tortures him and he gets all riled up and outta control. I should crate Fa but I don't think CPS would agree. And he ate his crate literally to pieces.

So I haven't gotten rid of him yet. But if this new vet doesn't work out...I can't make you any promises.

"Gulp!"