Sunday Blues.

The Sunday Blues have turned into the Monday thru Sunday Blues for me.

However, I had a week off and even though it was a bust with medical tests and trying to figure out why I'm dizzy and nauseous all the time...(I think I have the answer)...I STILL had a week off. Heaven.

I got to sleep late (as late as you can with an 8 year old in the house).

I got to get in some extra yoga at home and at the studio.

I got to watch endless amounts of TV.

I got to spend endless time with my lovely 8 year old heart.

I got to cuddle with the naked boys.

I went to the mall during the DAY.

I used the couch as my daytime bed.

I played catch with my daughter.

I met a long time friend for lunch.

I didn't think of work for a second. (Only that ONE nightmare...)

However, it's Sunday.

The last day of freedom.

My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My eye is twitching again.

I need a serious change. Yet I'm stuck.

Any ideas for getting over the Sunday Blues?

So I expected...

Ya know. When ya turn a new decade and yer life feels like its in the shitter and you just can't believe you got this far and feel this low. You kinda expect to squeeze into the new decade kinda like this guys face:

But. Everything's the same.

I feel the same. My job still sucks. I am still stuck in a rotten situation at work that I can't get out of and I am the same person as yesterday. Crying during my commute.

Big whoop.

Why did I work myself up into a frenzy.

Yes, I need to make a change. And I don't yet know what that change is.
Yes, I need to maintain balance in this life and continue to find joy in the small stuff.
Yes, I have the greatest little girl and husband in the whole wide world.
Yes, I know.

But at least I don't  look like this guy.

February is a time for me to reminisce...

Since my birthday is in 6 days, it seems February and the weeks following my birthday makes me melancholy. (it doesn't take much)...but I'm noticing that my meloncholy state runs throughout the year...

This post was written in Feb. Makes me cry.

This post gives me goosebumps.

This one is a reminder to me every day.

And this one truly opened up my heart and healing for probably the very first time on here.

There are so many depressing posts on here, intertwined with some joy and laughter...But I wrote this blog for my daughter and I'm starting to think she may only see a darkness in her mother that I have been trying to hide form her from day one.

Maybe it's just my temperament. Husband says my default mood... is.... bad.

He's not wrong.

I'll be 40 in 6 days. Half my life is over. I've lived longer without my mother than I have with her. I miss her every single second of every singel day and it's 23 years she's gone. She was 48 when she died.

There goes that whole, It'll happen to me fear too.

I need a change of scenery.  A new career, one that gives me pleasure, not pain. I have some ideas. Ideas that take time from work and money. I need to figure out a plan.

I can't let the last half of my life be a repeat of the first half. Otherwise, I've let my daughter down.

Any suggestions?

I don't care.

I'm really stressed out.
Work is kicking my ass.

I'm worried I'll be stuck in a school that I'm not happy to be in.
I love my co-teacher. She gets me through. But the place itself. Oh.

I'm really in a place of introspection. Why did I choose this career? Why do I dislike it so? Why can't I really do what I payed thousands of dollars to do? (My master's degree is basically useless.) I'm stuck in a place literally and figuratively that I'm not happy with. How do I get out? I really hate being a working mom. Do I continue to be a working mom and try for another child? Do I just cut my losses and dredge on? Do I try to make a change in my career?

All this (and more) circles my brain on a daily basis. And I can't get out of my head. Makes getting to work almost impossible.

If it weren't for work, I'd be pretty content right now. But I have to make a living. We need my income and my medical benefits. That's the only reason I'm working.

Is that a reason to teach? Little kids are depending on me being present emotionally and physically every day. And I'm disappointing them. At least I feel like I'm disappointing them.

I went to my old school yesterday to try and get back there. It looks optimistic, but it's not definitive yet. I need an answer. I hate being in limbo. The position I really want, I can't have. No special ed degree. Why did I spend so much money on a useless degree? I even sent out resumes. Big deal. If I start in a new place, I lose tenure (something seemingly impossible to reattain) I can't afford to start over again.

I hate feeling like this. I need to clear my head and my aura. I need a fresh outlook. I need to find the good in the place I'm in right now. I need to meditate. On a better place. In life and in work. Because if work is good, then life is good. I deserve that. My family deserves that.

The ongoing joke with my friend and co-teacher is "I don't care".



It clears the negative energy from the room...and makes us laugh. But in reality, I DO care. I want to make a difference. I want to be universally happy. I want to want to care.

However, for now to get me through...I'm gonna belt it out whenever I feel tense....

SING IT...I DON'T CAAAAAAAREEEEE!

Free Wheelin'

I'm trying to teach my daughter how to ride a two wheeler. It seems like just yesterday we took out her tricycle and she didn't know how to pedal it.

This is very difficult for me since I have major issues with "letting go". And that is just what you have to do to the bicycle seat once she gathers her balance and energy and pedals off...

She is a whiz at the bike with training wheels. I admire her for just jumping into anything that she loves to do. (Biking, swimming, reading, anything that comes easy for her, she loves...if she has to struggle just a tad...forget it though.)

This weekend I took off ONE training wheel. She's now trying to balance on three wheels. Well, two with a little help.

She's getting it. She can balance for quite a while without the one training wheel hitting the ground.

I watch her in the schoolyard pedalling around and finding her balance atop that bike and I am in awe.

I think by the end of the week she'll be two wheelin' it. If we practice every day.

Thing is, I'm finding it very hard to relax and enjoy the moment. (Once again.)

I can't let go.

I have theses issues with many 'mother-daughter' concepts. Bike riding just magnifies my deal.

Watching her riding that bike with the threat of falling reminds me of all of the crap she'll have to face in her little life. All the falls she'll endure. All the broken pieces she'll have to put back together again for herself.

How do I just watch her from afar? How do I let her fall yet still be strong to help her back up without my heart bleeding all over the place? How will I help her get through? How do I do all this without her seeing how weak I really am?

I watch her riding that bike and I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "NO! Come back! Stay here next to me where you are safe!" But I know that I can't. I know stifling her will only hurt her more than a scraped knee or a broken heart ever will.

But my heart. It hurts so much. Letting go.

Then there's 4 more weeks until school starts. Real school with homework and class bullies. And my class with grades and parent teacher conferences to hold. I'm losing her a little every day as it is...Biking is just one other way.

She's going to HAVE to be more and more independent. I'm going to HAVE to be farther and farther away. I don't think my poor heart will be able to handle it.

I feel her slipping. In her attitude and impatience with me. I hear myself nagging and I hate the sound of my own voice. I can imagine how she hears me. I'm losing her. I'm losing my baby. That little girl I couldn't bond with when she was born. That infant I was waiting to get picked up by her real parents...I couldn't deal with her. I wanted sometimes to be rid of her.

Now I'm losing her little by little and my heart. Aches. Why did I let myself be so sad in the beginning? Why did I wish away the time? How did I ever doubt my feelings for her?

Because I see us now and I am sad. I want that time back. I want that baby back.

But I can't have that baby back. I can just try to relax and enjoy this little girl that is raring to pedal off into the sunset. Because she does always come back to me at the end.

And I can envelope her into my hug and tell her how proud I am of her. Even if my heart is aching on the inside for that baby that is no more. I know the mistakes I've already made as her mother and will continue to make. I understand that we are not perfect and we both will fall and get back up again. I can be strong for her because that is what she needs from me.

Oh, but my heart does ache for that little girl on that bicycle.

Hello Out There

Ahem, is this thing on? *Brushing off the dust from the keyboard*

Hi.

I'm here. Things have been crazy lately. But I guess that's a good thing. Or not. I don't know.

SO, so, so very much going on. I'm on the Executive Board at Fa's school. (Busy-ness magnified.) I've had a miscarriage. (I don't even want to go there.) I'm constantly running around with Fa. (Fun in the middle of the storm.) Business is not good and money is tighter than ever. (Nothing you all don't know about)... However, there is still not enough time energy to write a decent post and I refuse to just give a laundry list of ALL the crap that's been going on. I've been trying my best to get it all organized enough for the people who still stop by here now and then. Maybe this is my way of getting rid of the cobwebs and starting again!!!

In the meantime...Here's a few of my older posts that explain what I'm going through...

There is oh so much more to say.

Thank you for stopping by my friends!

I'll be back.

It just doesn't add up...or does it?

17: the age I was when my mother died.

31: the age we were when we had our daughters.

5: Fa's age (almost)

365: the days I think about leaving too soon, like my mother did.

12: the years I have left with her (according to the math). 

0: the probability I'll die the same age my mother was of the same disease.

67,991,345,999,672: times I day I think about this.

infinity squared: the love in my heart for my daughter plus the sadness I feel for my mother plus the guilt I feel for even the slightest chance I may leave her motherless.

School is Cool...and other reasons to let go.

...At least that's what I think.

But then again, I need a break.

Don't get me wrong, Fa loves school too. Should I be offended that she runs right into the classroom to play with her friends and ignores the likes of me?

I leave feeling a little deflated, but so proud of her independence. It's all I could ask of her, really.

Strange dichotomy isn't it?

Wanting her to love it so much and feel comfortable enough to let go. But then, wanting her to need me just a little longer.

You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

This weekend she had her first sleepover at her grandmother's house. With her cousins. All girls. (Poor woman.)

Fa enjoyed herself so much that she; a) didn't want to leave and b) wanted to have "another sleepover next weekend"...Hello? Wanna know what I did during the sleepover?

I missed her. I stressed. I hyperventilated a bit.

Well, The Pro and I did have a very nice "date". That was one good thing. It was really nice to reconnect again. I love our dates. They are always so much fun. And I start to feel like we're on the 'same page' again after some time of reading two different books.

I got drunk, of course.

Then I woke up at 6am ready to go and pick her up.

Not reasonable, I know. But I was missing her terribly. And I couldn't breath all that well.

She didn't even ask to call us.

And when we got there, she seemed, well...disappointed. Damn it.

But my Dad gave me a really good pep talk. He said that's what I want. I want to see her strong and independent. He said "You know, you have to let go."

I know it.

But it's so hard.

How did he do it? He seemed quite good at it, honestly.

I feel by letting go it's making her stronger and more self sufficient. But in the same breath, by letting her go, my heart breaks into shards each time I see her leave. Even if for just a little while. It's a sign of the future. Having to let go. For good.

Oh!

My aching heart.

Is school the precurser to and independant life for her, or for me?

Mom's Don't Leave (2)

We're schnuggling in bed again.

A year later.

Except this time Fa comes right out with it. No more beating around the bush.

Fa: "Do you miss your mom?"

Oh god, don't cry J, don't cry...

Me: "Yes, baby I do miss her terribly."

F: "Where is she? What happened to her?"

M: "Well baby, my mommy was very sick, too sick for her body to keep her here with me and well baby, she died."

What the hell DO I say? This kid knows about death now. Her fish died a few months ago.

M: "Remember when Goldie died?"

F: "Yeah, and we flushed her down the toilet?"

M: "Well, that's what happens when you are very, very old or very sick. But we don't flush people down the toilet."

F: "Do you miss her? Why can't I see her? Why can't I meet her? Will you get sick? What if you die? Will I die? Will Daddy Die?"

How does she do that? How does she ask these thoughtful questions?

M: "Baby, death is a part of life and when we get very, very, very, very old. SO old we won't be able to dance anymore, then our bodies stop working because they can't take care of us anymore, and we die."

F: "How old were you when your mom died?"

Holy shit!

M: "Well baby, my mom died when I was pretty young. I was a teenager...way older than you are now. But remember, she was very sick. And I had my daddy, (Papa) and Auntie and other family and friends to take care of me when that happened."

F: "What will I do when you die? Where will you go when you die? Why can't I see your mom? I won't see you either!"

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck.

M: "Honey, you are stuck with me forever! I'm sticking around here until I'm all old, and wrinkly and mean and nasty because I don't like being old and wrinkly. You think I'm cranky NOW? I'm gonna be so annoying to you that you'll be trying to run away from me, I'll be so old. And I'll be screaming after you in my electric wheel chair telling you to come and change my diaper."

You see, humor saves everything in my head.

M: (Watching her crack a smile) "And you know, my mommy is tucked deep in my heart and I have her with me all the time now. Even when I miss her most and I can't see her. I know she is in my heart and keeping me safe and happy. Because she will ALWAYS be with me, even if she isn't here to talk to."

F: "So since you are already in my heart, you'll stay there forever?"

Damn, she's good.

M: "Yes baby! You know when we kiss each other we always say we'll keep it in our hearts forever? Well, think about all the smooching we do, our hearts are already filled up with kisses and love...think about that." (As I proceed to kiss her all over her face and shoulders and just practically smothering her with kisses...so she will laugh and change the fricken' subject already.) "See, all that love? It will be with you forever."

F: "I'll be your mom, I'll take care of you?"

GOD DAMN, this kid is awesome.

M: "Thank you so much sweet, sweet baby! But I don't want you to be my mom. I want you to be my baby girl so I can keep being your mommy and love you and take care of you as long as you need me. Remember, I have a mommy we just can't see her. But we can talk to her and talk about her whenever you want to. I love talking about my mom, especially with you."

That pretty much ended that conversation. She seemed content with all that I told her and didn't freak out like the last time.

So I kissed her goodnight one more time, so proud that I held it together to maintain calm and cool while touching upon something that is still so raw in my chest all these years later.

But I'll do anything for this child. Even if its ripping my own heart to shreds.

Then, I went into the bathroom and proceeded to cry for a half hour.

Mom's Don't Leave (1)

(This was originally posted on my very first blog in May of 2007 (that I can't link to)...but I have more to add now. So I'll start you off here....)

How do I convince my daughter of that when I am living proof that indeed some moms leave?

Schnuggling before a nap recently, she asked me if I loved my Mommy and Daddy. (Red flags raised..she never mentions my Mom even when I talk about her) Of course, I said yes. She continued to ask, "Who's your Daddy?" (She knows full well the answer to this since we play this game often enough) "Papa" I answered with a smile. Then, she asked a question that I knew was coming but it still totally threw me for a loop.

"Who's your Mommy?"

"Well, my Mommy is 'Bunny'." I replied stiffly, waiting for her next question that was inevitably coming.

"Where is Bunny? My grandma?"

Here we go....

In my head I'm screaming, "I'm not ready for this" repeatedly...over an over. "She's only 3 years and 5 months old! 41 months! How has this concept entered her head so soon? How do I answer her?" "She may not be too young to ask the questions but she is too young to comprehend the answers..."

I began to tell her that Bunny, her grandma, my Mommy is in Heaven. (A concept I'm not too sure of myself...but I was thrown and caught off guard.)

She asked me if I missed her and again, if I loved her and was I sad that she was not here?

How the hell does she do this?

I told her I do miss my Mommy terribly because she isn't here with me and I love her and I wish she was still here with us. I told her I was sad because she never got to meet her and I just know she would love her... the conversation went on for a few more minutes before Fa told me "Not to worry because I'll make you feel better!" She said it to me. To my face. 3.5 years old. She even punctuated it with strong, neck-hugs! I am floored!

Then, she wouldn't let me leave her. She screamed bloody murder like I died a thousand deaths right in front of her, "Papa, Bunny, Mamma...Don't leave me!" "I'm scared you'll leave me!" "Mamma come back, don't leave me alone!"

Heartbreak.

Sheer shattered chest muscle.

You're not breathing, JJ. Breathe.

As I sat there rocking her close to my chest trying my damndest not to smother her with my kisses and trying even harder to convince her that I would never leave her and I will be her mommy forever...I felt guilty.

What if I do leave her?

What if I make her a motherless daughter?

I'm lying to her face.

How will she forgive me for telling her moms don't leave? When they do.

She is too young to be worried about this. She is too smart to not figure it out. She is too sensitive to forget this conversation any time soon.

I am sad that I have left her a legacy of loss and fear of being left alone by mother.

How could I do this to her?

How do I help her understand?

How do I rest her fears?

...Assure her that I am here for her...until she is older and better able to understand...that moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart.

"So the days float through my eyes... But still the days seem the same"

My Fa's schedule is about to take off. I We have very many days in September filled with places to be and things to do.

I guess this is just the calm before the storm. Sorry for the horrible pun, Gustav victims.

In this moment of calm I am thinking. Too hard. I am looking (once again) to find something that completes me. Something that makes me worthwhile. To myself.

I've tried ceramics, book clubs, mom's night out and of course the gym. I still love the gym, it makes me feel good. But. What next?

How long can I keep searching for that thing? That thing that I love. That thing that defines me. Not that person, but that thing. Hobby, talent, dare I say career?

When does life finally get content? It seems that I will realize my "thing" when I am waiting for the bright light to take me away. By then, it will be too late. How do I grab it now? And enjoy it now? And revel in it forever?

Forever is a frickin' long time. For some. And for some it's just not. Some don't get to feel that notion of forever. Am I being selfish or even nit-picky over the wrong things in life? Should I be worried more about the generalities of the world or just the isolation of my world, in my mind and heart. After all, my head and my heart is where my world stems from.

So how do I know when I have that thing?

And how will it make the monotony of the everyday seem bearable?

Our schedule is changing along with the seasons and it is that time of year (I guess) for taking inventory of myself again. This may take me a while.

They say change is good. I ask when does change start to feel good? Does it ever get "just right"?

My Apologies

It's been a while. I know.

Since I came back from my vacation (three weeks is it now?), I have been in the dumps. I'm not sure why. Well, I am kinda sure why I just don't feel like writing about it. Funny, I agree. Since I usually feel like writing about it.

I have been a horrific blog citizen and haven't read anyone's blogs in forever. I am sorry about that too.

Thank you for checking up on me. I really appreciate that.

Fa is starting her last year of pre-school and she is way ready for kindergarten already. Damn cut off dates. I am melancholy that the summer is over and life will get hectic again. I miss my little girl terribly. She is so big now. It hurts to watch her grow these days.

She is terribly clumsy and falls over her own two feet. (and air). Her body is way too big for her brain. And her attitude is way to old for her little body. But she has turned into a sweet, caring, considerate little lady this summer. She is concerned for others feelings, she is kind and meaningful in her relations with others. She is such a joy to know. I love this age. She picked me flowers yesterday because she thought they would cheer me up. (She thought I was mad at her!) I really can't be mad at her these days.

She starts soccer this weekend. She's learned to swim like a fish and will continue swimming through the fall. She's not sure what she likes better, gymnastics or dance and she is not sure which activity to choose between for the fall. As her mother I want to give her everything, but that's just not possible with scheduling and finances. So I am FORCING her to choose. Bad mommy.

Where did this little lady come from? And where have I gone?

I'm feeling very insecure these days. Not feeling like I am showing her my best side. Not being, I guess you could call it, the "supermom" that I want to be for her. I am lazy, scared and unsure of myself and I feel that she doesn't have the best role model to learn from. Being a stay at home mom can sure rake you of your confidence and talents. I feel like I have faded into the background of life and I can't even hold up my end of any conversation without glazing over. It's difficult.

I have had not one real adult conversation without a child being the main topic all summer and my head feels like it's going to explode. The Pro has been working extra hard and leaving me to deal with most of the parenting responsibilities and I can't blame him. We have taken on these roles in order for Fa and our lives to run as smoothly as possible. But I am feeling left behind. I am feeling like a stranger in a strange land who doesn't speak the language and is having trouble finding the hotel. All I keep repeating is: "Donde esta el quarto de bano?" And I am getting strange looks from all angles.

I don't know how to break free.

Don't get me wrong. I have had a wonderful summer. Filled with activities and games. Swimming and playing and playdates.

For Fa.

Fa and I have been inseparable sinnce June. 24 hours a day. 

I have not done a thing for myself all summer. I have not been alone all summer. Give or take a few minutes when The Pro takes Fa to the park or to dinner. I wake up to Fa, I go to sleep to Fa. And I love her to death.

And I am starting to feel it.

I sound like I'm complaining.

I'm not.

I'm just lost.

Everyone needs some rejuving time. Time to catch up and reflect on what's been going on. I have not done that. Yet.

I need to do that soon. I wish I could just take a day and go to the beach and watch the sun set onto the waves and not worry about Fa running into the water and having to chase after her.

How do you do it?

How do you rejuvinate your spirit without feeling guilty for wanting five minutes to yoruself?

I'm showing off again.

We made cards for the pro for his birthday. (And the cake, I know. You can't stand my talents.)

He took Fa's to work with him...Mine are still here...hmmm...

But I'll show you.

This is the inside. It's pop-up.



Why are they not at work with him too?
I guess I know where I stand.

GuilTriple Play

So, the first week with the fever and the second week with the pox has passed. Now, we are into our third week.

With an ear infection.


Hold me.

Will this ever end?

Last night was not pretty. She was up most of the night crying and rubbing her ear. Oh! And refusing to take a pain reliever/fever reducer. The joy.

I wound up sleeping in her bed to get her to take her medicine. (Yeah, I'm not above bribery.) I slept on the wooden part of her bed frame. All night. The agony. My back is now screwed.

I really am not complaining. Or searching for pity. Just rationalizing the fact that this is not my fault.

I couldn't stop any of this from happening short of keeping her in a plastic bubble. So why do I feel so bad?

Remember that movie?

I don't know.

I sound like him:
I guess I'll just shower her with love. Makes me feel better. Makes her happy. What more can I really ask for?

Isn't that what a mommy's job is?

Guilty

So you know how mommy guilt can totally take over your senses and you begin to start acting like a mental patient?

Yeah, me too.

After the doctor and the confirmation of my ignorance last week, I took Fa to the toy store. I mean really, she's a friggin' trooper. As if suffering through the itchy virus and her mother's inability to...well, mother. PLUS the lab taking about a gallon of blood for further testing etc. I felt horrible.

Don't judge.

I wanted to appease my own sense of guilt. She had no friggin' clue.

So, the toy store.

Took about 30 minutes for Fa to pick just one little, simple, pity-gift from her sorry ass mother.

What did she pick?

Yeah, if you knew my daughter, this would be easy peasy.

Can you figure it out yet?

Maybe my artistic, clown-like talents can help you out.

No?

She picked a balloon animal kit.

I know.

But look how talented her pitiful mother can become when racked with guilt.

Can you notice a trend?

Yeah, they pretty much all look the same.
Either dogs or kitties.... or

Yeah, I don't know either.

Mice or...

Penises.

Call me. I do parties.