Thursday, September 4, 2008

"So the days float through my eyes... But still the days seem the same"

My Fa's schedule is about to take off. I We have very many days in September filled with places to be and things to do.

I guess this is just the calm before the storm. Sorry for the horrible pun, Gustav victims.

In this moment of calm I am thinking. Too hard. I am looking (once again) to find something that completes me. Something that makes me worthwhile. To myself.

I've tried ceramics, book clubs, mom's night out and of course the gym. I still love the gym, it makes me feel good. But. What next?

How long can I keep searching for that thing? That thing that I love. That thing that defines me. Not that person, but that thing. Hobby, talent, dare I say career?

When does life finally get content? It seems that I will realize my "thing" when I am waiting for the bright light to take me away. By then, it will be too late. How do I grab it now? And enjoy it now? And revel in it forever?

Forever is a frickin' long time. For some. And for some it's just not. Some don't get to feel that notion of forever. Am I being selfish or even nit-picky over the wrong things in life? Should I be worried more about the generalities of the world or just the isolation of my world, in my mind and heart. After all, my head and my heart is where my world stems from.

So how do I know when I have that thing?

And how will it make the monotony of the everyday seem bearable?

Our schedule is changing along with the seasons and it is that time of year (I guess) for taking inventory of myself again. This may take me a while.

They say change is good. I ask when does change start to feel good? Does it ever get "just right"?


  1. So how do I know when I have that thing?

    That’s a rhetorical question right? I’m turning 53 on the 24th. I traveled Europe in my youth, danced at Lincoln Center with American Ballet Theater, was on every newsstand in America possibly some parts of Europe during the summer of 1977 modeling a men’s line for Oscar De la Renta, commissioned by an artist to record music in a recording studio, played music I wrote every week at bar called the Blind Pig on Santa Monica Blvd, had babes all over the place, laid everything but the TransAtlantic Cable, also played at a place on Hollywood and Vine, what else, oh got a real job and rose to the top of my profession at a young age (without a degree) finally got a degree at night, lived for 15 years in a private country club, formed a golf club company for grin-grins and made high tech drivers, had a 6 handicap, (did you just yawn?) , married twice, lived in some of the most beautiful surroundings, now semi-retired at age 53 and guess what? I’M STILL LOOKING FOR MY THING!!! (No, not that thing, I know where that thing is, the other thing).

    So, I know, ya know??? I feel the same way. Is it at all possible to have a good run that tickles my wiggle without it eventually getting all fupped duck?

  2. I would suggest trying different things. Don't find something and commit to that right away (ceramics, book club or whatever). Try a little bit of several things, and then decide if you REALLY like any of those.

    If not, keep looking. Perhaps the uncertainty and the chance of finding something new will help until you find that one thing.

  3. I don't know if this is anything anyone can help you with or even comment on. That is what makes it so difficult too. It is something you have to find for yourself.

    Ugh. I'm so helpful, huh? ;)

  4. I do understand your heart. I am also searching for that thing, and I think perhaps there are more than one of those "things." Don't lose focus of the fact that the journey to that thing is a big part of that fulfillment you search for.

    I wish you peace on your journey.

    Signed, an old friend with a new blog and a different name. I'm sure you can figure out who I am

    Glad to be back reading your stuff, babe. Take good care, and I look forward to joining you again on your journey.

    Bree XOXO

  5. Its that itchy feeling that I am so with you on. Whats do you figure out who you are? I ahve no idea Im lost too

  6. I TOTALLY understand. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what *I* like. Here's to finding out... and soon!

  7. I detest is so difficult for me. I hope you find your spark!

    Please share the secret if you discover it!

  8. OK, so I have this -
    1. Take the PRo and Fa and the pooch and move to Houston.
    2. Ummm....
    3. I dunno....
    4. Write a book. Your writing rocks sista.
    5. Plan a really fun margarita day when I get my ass up to New England. We can leave kidlet w/ Fa or Mark or whoever and you and I can consume mass quantities of liquor. Fa will be old enough to watch a 6 month old, right? The pooch can help, huh?
    6. Or, if you talk real sweet to mark and tell him about the cool weather you guys have there, he might want to move. But it would have to be really worth it. No state income tax here. Cheaper (WAY) houses.

    That's all I got sista.

  9. I totally feel your pain! My husband was just saying the other day that I have a dozen 'projects' that are only 80% done.

    I keep moving on to other things, searching for something!

  10. I don't know how to tell when you've got it 'right'. But you know about my similar issues with my own life. I am still searching, too. Sometimes it doesn't bother me much, and other times, thoughts of what I should/want/wish I could be doing consume me.

    Seems like it would help to just keep trying different things. If something sticks and brings you joy, for however long, then that is great. And if not, it's not like you have to keep at it.

    I'd personally LOVE to be able to turn something I love into a career. I haven't come across anything yet that could be all that lucrative, but sometimes these things just fall into place.

  11. I so relate to this ... I often wonder if I will ever feel the way you do since at this point there always seems to be something, with moving, now looking for a house and all that jazz. I really really think that you have to find your thing. You will know once you find it :)

  12. Oh Friend, I know what you're talking about...What usually helps me is when I think how temporary things are...the good and the bad. That the only thing that's constant is change...And...You know what? I don 't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

    I need a drink. And I can't drink.

    Damn it.

  13. You're not the only one, I feel the same way! Hopefully I'll figure it out before I hit 80.


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