Hookey Schmookey

We were planning to play hookey tomorrow.

Me and my girl.

But as Marsha Brady once said, "Something suddenly came up."

The kid doesn't want to miss school.

What she said: There's a "really special assembly tomorrow and I really don't want to miss it."
What I heard: "Mom, you suck. I'd rather spend time at the mill than be with you."

I know that's not what she meant.

But dammit if I wasn't looking forward to the day off.

And really? MY KID WANTS to go to SCHOOL? Have I not taught ANYthing?

I've failed as a parent.

Charts Shmarts

Me: Hey, Fa!

Fa: (Annoyed) Whaaaat!?

Me: You're doing such a great job with your chores. How 'bout we make a chart to help keep track of them.

Fa: What?

Me: (Excited like) This way, after the week is up and your chart is filled you can earn a reward!

Fa: *eyeroll* *snort* What kind of reward Mah? Tissues?

Me: (Frustrated) Yes Fa. Tissues. Used ones, green filled, goobery tissues!

(Smart Ass)

Pillow Pets

Everyone loves hanging out in Fa's room.

Must be her spirit and joy that attracts us to her. She radiates love.

We all want to be near her.

Pillow Pets

My Artist

My daughter loves art. 

She loves creating. 

She loves crafts. 

Any medium, any modality. 

And I love her for it.

Cat Feet

Go Girl

My daughter kicked ass on the basket ball court today.

I'm so proud.

From a shy, little girl with OT issues, she's grown into a self confident and athletic brainiac.

What?

She's dribbling, shooting, scoring, passing, rebounding and working that court like she was born there. How did that happen?

Loving Life At All Times

My daughter totally rocks. I am so lucky to be her mom. I can't believe that after all those "new mom" difficulties, I'm raising a fantastic little person.

Happy Saturday everyone...

December 20th

I can't believe I have a five year old daughter.

It seems like just yesterday she was born.

Now, I'm filling out the paperwork for kindergarten.

How fast does it go, really?

It's been over a month since I've put words to posts here at this blog, and it feels like I was just here yesterday. I miss you all.

In coming back, I find that one very good blogging friend is expecting her third child.

And...

My other very good blogging friend Margaret had a baby on the 17th. I've heard all about her journey from the day she found out she was having this beautiful boy, through some trying and scary stuff and now he's here.

I have hardly any advice for her. Just enjoy each and every moment like it is your last.

I spent the first 3 and a half years wishing my daughter would be old enough to understand. Wishing that the infant would stop crying. Wishing she would grow up. Now, she understands more than I thought possible and I feel I've lost some precious moments in my urge to rush.

She is very excited to be five. But in that excitement and maturity comes understanding. And she says she will miss having someone to "take care" of her. (Like I would ever stop doing that.) She says she worries that I will go to heaven like my mother did to me and she will be a young child, Motherless.

She is way to young to be worried about that stuff. And I have made her worry.

Yes, I have been honest with her about everything and told her all I can regarding her questions about life and love and loss. But she is smart. She puts stuff together that most 5 year olds don't. And I am left once again with guilt.

I know she is just starting to understand and it will all come clear to her one day. But my heart. It hurts for her. Her innocence lost. The time I rushed. The time wasted by wishing it away. Time WE will not get back.

Now here she is. Five. Ready to start her journey of independence. Questioning her role, but loving life. I see me in her. I see myself in her a lot. In the way she looks. Her actions. Her words.

And I want to instill in her the power to trust herself. I am still learning that. I hope we can learn together.

I asked her what her favorite part about being four was. She said she liked when I helped her clean her room. What kid says that?

I asked her what she was looking forward to at five. She wants to be a veterinarian. I love that about her. Time is no concept. And she is confident that whatever she wants she will get. It will not be given to her per se, but she will get it on her own.

She is confident. I love that. That helps her to forgive. Because she knows she is loved. And all you need is love.

I could have a total screaming fit at her for something so silly and in a moment, she has forgotten my madness. Time. Heals all wounds. For some faster than others. For her in an instant. For me, a little longer.

However, this time I have learned. Not to rush anything. And I am enjoying each and every moment of five that I can. I'll never have it again.

I will take this time to savor each flavor of five. The bad times and the overwhelming good times. The tears and the belly laughs.

I am so lucky to have this little girl in my life and I will not let that get passed me. Ever.

So today, I share five with all of you. I hope as a gift to my daughter, you take this moment to hug your children no matter how old. Or how young. Hug your parents, hug your partner, hug yourself.

Understand that time doesn't stop. Time will pass as our lives pass in the blink of an eye. Don't rush it and enjoy it. Envelop your time and keep your time precious in the folds of your soul. It's all we have. Time and Love.

Savor it.

All my love chelle...

I love you all.

Margaret, my dear friend enjoy this time. I wish I could be there to hug you.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl. You are my most precious gift. I'm sorry I will hug you too much today. But you will understand one day. I promise.

Love'ku

Little girl struggling
So many questions to ask
Many unanswered!

In an unsure world
learning about you in it
very scary stuff

I know you're confused
I know you're trying to find
your place in the world

It can be so hard
all that goes on around you
You soak it all in

I know of your fears
Your insecurities too.
You are a strong girl!

I'll help you through it.
I promise, no matter what
Always on your side.

You can talk to me
about anything you want
even if you're scared

You can come to me
to hold your hand when you're scared
I'll help you get through

You are my precious
little girl, my little heart
Huge tantrums and all.

***
This was supposed to
be posted for last Friday.
Been a tough few weeks.

I'll be back again
soon as we all get better.
We are all sick now.

Going to bed.

***

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Now THAT was a tantrum!

Oh I dunno, about two hours filled with screaming and yelling and crying.

Yeah, that was our Sunday night. And no it wasn't me.

It was her.

Door slamming, room confinement, "I'm gonna die in here" threats.

It was So. Much. Fun.

Cursing. Oh the cursing. (Now, that was me.)

I gave up. I did my best and I tried to keep calm with her yelling and him getting more mad by the second.

She was tired, we were tired.

I yelled at him, he cursed at me.

I made him deal with it the rest of the way through.

And ya know what?

He calmed her down, showered her and got her ready for bed. When she finally got to me again. She was weepy but calmer.

I should give up more often.

I learned my lesson.

And all for what?

We had a great day! A great weekend!

She played soccer. Pretty good too, may I add.

Her cousins came to cheer her on.

They ate ice cream and played in the basement.

The basement.

Unsupervised.

Uhm hum....That's how it happened.

She's the only child.

Three older cousins...2 sisters, one close enough sister. Her, the baby. Alone. Tired. Dirty. Cranky.

One of her chalk board drawings, "My most beautiful picture...EVER!" got accidentally erased. (I'm not so sure how accidentally, truthfully.)

Oh! The horror!

Now, I'm not trying to stick up for my only child or anything. I know she can be a little *ahem* dramatically challenged. But, she has never thrown that kinda fit over something that trivial before.

Or has she?

Maybe?

Maybe.

Okay, yes.

She has.

Over something quite similar actually. Not the chalk board, the magic magnet board. And it wasn't family she sent out with threats of hatred and evil screams. It was her best friend. And everyone cried that time too.

You see, she hates to throw ANYthing out. And when she saves something...she saves it.

Especially stuff that is supposed to be 'changed' when the mood strikes. DON'T you dare touch it, or all hell will break loose.

Drawn, originally July '07

Accidentally 'altered', Sept. '08

So, when I heard the piercing screams from my livingroom, you can only imagine what I initially thought?

So, you can also understand why I was skeptical about it being an 'accident'...until I processed the situation. This morning. While I was typing this post.

So, can you see why I let him handle it?

So, Yeah. Now THAT was a tantrum.

It's Way Too Soon

I can't even TRY to change the subject.

She won't let me get away with this much longer.

Avoidance and plain talk doesn't fly with this kid.

She wants answers. Answers to questions that her little mind can't possiby compute.

Answers that will for sure cause a raucus in her innocent little mind and not translate very well to her preschool friends.

How do I explain how she was made?

How does "We wanted a baby and mommy and daddy made you" become not good enough for an almost 5 year old?

How do I explain that she's not adopted (where the hell does she learn this?) and that she is ours, made from us?

How do I explain why she was in my belly and how she got there and how she got out?

'Cause lemme tell ya, she ain't havin' the short version for much longer people.

It is way too soon for this, dear me.

School is Cool...and other reasons to let go.

...At least that's what I think.

But then again, I need a break.

Don't get me wrong, Fa loves school too. Should I be offended that she runs right into the classroom to play with her friends and ignores the likes of me?

I leave feeling a little deflated, but so proud of her independence. It's all I could ask of her, really.

Strange dichotomy isn't it?

Wanting her to love it so much and feel comfortable enough to let go. But then, wanting her to need me just a little longer.

You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

This weekend she had her first sleepover at her grandmother's house. With her cousins. All girls. (Poor woman.)

Fa enjoyed herself so much that she; a) didn't want to leave and b) wanted to have "another sleepover next weekend"...Hello? Wanna know what I did during the sleepover?

I missed her. I stressed. I hyperventilated a bit.

Well, The Pro and I did have a very nice "date". That was one good thing. It was really nice to reconnect again. I love our dates. They are always so much fun. And I start to feel like we're on the 'same page' again after some time of reading two different books.

I got drunk, of course.

Then I woke up at 6am ready to go and pick her up.

Not reasonable, I know. But I was missing her terribly. And I couldn't breath all that well.

She didn't even ask to call us.

And when we got there, she seemed, well...disappointed. Damn it.

But my Dad gave me a really good pep talk. He said that's what I want. I want to see her strong and independent. He said "You know, you have to let go."

I know it.

But it's so hard.

How did he do it? He seemed quite good at it, honestly.

I feel by letting go it's making her stronger and more self sufficient. But in the same breath, by letting her go, my heart breaks into shards each time I see her leave. Even if for just a little while. It's a sign of the future. Having to let go. For good.

Oh!

My aching heart.

Is school the precurser to and independant life for her, or for me?

Prescku'

First day of school rocked
I knew that it would for you
You are my hero

You are stronger than
I ever was at your age
and beyond your age

How do you do it?
Conquer the worst of your fears
With ease and a grace

A grace I've not known
until you've entered my heart
You are so cherished

So happy for you
Having experiences
that not only help...

...to grow stronger
but to grow more confident
I WILL learn from you.

***

Go here or here for Mr.Linky (these 'kuers rock)...to add your own piece of artful writing.

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky at one of the above chickie's blogs with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your generic blog URL). We will delete your link if it doesn’t go to a haiku. If you need help with this, contact Christina.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

Mom's Don't Leave (1)

(This was originally posted on my very first blog in May of 2007 (that I can't link to)...but I have more to add now. So I'll start you off here....)

How do I convince my daughter of that when I am living proof that indeed some moms leave?

Schnuggling before a nap recently, she asked me if I loved my Mommy and Daddy. (Red flags raised..she never mentions my Mom even when I talk about her) Of course, I said yes. She continued to ask, "Who's your Daddy?" (She knows full well the answer to this since we play this game often enough) "Papa" I answered with a smile. Then, she asked a question that I knew was coming but it still totally threw me for a loop.

"Who's your Mommy?"

"Well, my Mommy is 'Bunny'." I replied stiffly, waiting for her next question that was inevitably coming.

"Where is Bunny? My grandma?"

Here we go....

In my head I'm screaming, "I'm not ready for this" repeatedly...over an over. "She's only 3 years and 5 months old! 41 months! How has this concept entered her head so soon? How do I answer her?" "She may not be too young to ask the questions but she is too young to comprehend the answers..."

I began to tell her that Bunny, her grandma, my Mommy is in Heaven. (A concept I'm not too sure of myself...but I was thrown and caught off guard.)

She asked me if I missed her and again, if I loved her and was I sad that she was not here?

How the hell does she do this?

I told her I do miss my Mommy terribly because she isn't here with me and I love her and I wish she was still here with us. I told her I was sad because she never got to meet her and I just know she would love her... the conversation went on for a few more minutes before Fa told me "Not to worry because I'll make you feel better!" She said it to me. To my face. 3.5 years old. She even punctuated it with strong, neck-hugs! I am floored!

Then, she wouldn't let me leave her. She screamed bloody murder like I died a thousand deaths right in front of her, "Papa, Bunny, Mamma...Don't leave me!" "I'm scared you'll leave me!" "Mamma come back, don't leave me alone!"

Heartbreak.

Sheer shattered chest muscle.

You're not breathing, JJ. Breathe.

As I sat there rocking her close to my chest trying my damndest not to smother her with my kisses and trying even harder to convince her that I would never leave her and I will be her mommy forever...I felt guilty.

What if I do leave her?

What if I make her a motherless daughter?

I'm lying to her face.

How will she forgive me for telling her moms don't leave? When they do.

She is too young to be worried about this. She is too smart to not figure it out. She is too sensitive to forget this conversation any time soon.

I am sad that I have left her a legacy of loss and fear of being left alone by mother.

How could I do this to her?

How do I help her understand?

How do I rest her fears?

...Assure her that I am here for her...until she is older and better able to understand...that moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart.

My Girl

When Fa was born. I knew something was up with her. Her colicky issues weren't your run of the mill issues. She cried hard. She grew older and more sensitive to noise and crowds and over stimulation. And her social development was a concern of mine. I tried to have her evaluated by EI and they came to my house and told me that there was no evidence of a developmental delay and I should wait until she reaches preschool to try again.

When Fa started pre-school, I had many concerns.

Separating (from her) would be a huge problem (for me). Loud noises like the vacuum and fire drill would totally give the teachers a run for their money. Fa's love for talking. Her shyness...yeah right. I prepared them all for it. She adapted quite well. I did too.

In January, Fa's preschool teacher suggested I stay aware of her Fine Motor Skills because she was showing a little delay in her pencil grip and scissors grip. Since she wrote her letters and words so well, she didn't want Fa getting stuck in the wrong grip. And she also suggested while I'm at it, keep an eye on her Gross Motor Skills because she trips over her own two feet (a whole friggin' lot). I chalked it up to many different facts. She's a lefty, I'm a righty. She doesn't allow me to teach her the correct way to grip. Her body's too big for her brain, she's just as clumsy as her dad...etc.

Then in May, the teacher brought it up again.

This time I couldn't ignore it.

I love this teacher. She loves Fa. She knows Fa really well and she knows how to work with Fa. I trust her. Her biggest concern was when Fa hits kindergarten and the teachers don't coddle as preschool teachers do, it might turn Fa off of school early on and cause difficulties. Kindergarten teachers have no time to perfect a kid's pencil grip it seems. When did kindergarten get so serious?

So I made the initial phone call to the proper channels in order to start evaluating my precious daughter's skills. It all happened very fast after that.

Two full days of Physical Therapy Evaluations, Occupational Therapy Evaluations, Psychological Evaluations and Social/Emotional Evaluations. I was tired. Fa was handling it all like a pro.

The OT therapist said on the spot that she shows a significant delay in her fine motor skills and thought as of that day that she would qualify for OT services. I was not shocked. I knew this was the way it would be.

She did not automatically suggest therapy...she knew all the paperwork would have to go through the loop of the School System and our district.

The Physical Therapist took fast notice of Fa's turned in feet. She's not this bad, but it is prominent and does inhibit her movement. He admitted that she scored too high in the Gross Motor portion of the test but should be seen for her weak ankles and feet.

Then, I forgot about it. I don't know how I did, I just assumed Fa was not going to receive services.

Last Wednesday, I went to the Evaluation Meeting at the elementary school that she will be attending in a year. She qualifies for OT. Just like that. No questions, no fighting for our IDEA rights as tax paying citizens, no begging for some help in catching her up to kids her own age.

Done.

She starts in September and will be getting her therapy in a Sensory Gym for her fine motor skills and Sensory Integration. Plus they will come to her preschool when needed.

Since she was an infant I knew she had problems with her sensory intake and she would get overloaded too quickly. Her coping skills left her crying for hours. Me too.

Just as easy as that. My daughter has OT/Sensory issues that according to the special education department in our district qualifies her for services twice a week until she tests out.

My daughter just like that, has a IEP and a therapist.

I am not in the least bit upset, concerned or worried. Don't get me wrong. I am happy that her teacher had the foresight to see her problems and suggest a plan of action. And I'm proud that I did what I had to do to get her the help she needs. Really, I can't help but be surprised it all happened so fast and so easily.

Free therapy can be hard to come by.

Which means... She really has a developmental delay. The girl who has an above average IQ according to the tests, the girl who has a keenly developed vocabulary. My artist. My girl.

My. Girl.

Even for my girl, I would not have made a move if it weren't for her teacher. I knew there was a problem. But I just truly thought she'd "grow out" of it. She's so big for her age, I just thought that her 4.5 year old brain was working overtime with a 6+ year old body.

Goes to show you what I know. Goes to show you how I should have followed my gut over a year ago.

I'm so happy I took that teacher's advice and didn't let my pride in "knowing my child" get in the way. But you know what? I think about it as I'm writing this and I see that I made the move because I "knew my child" had a problem. All I needed was that extra push in the right direction.

Tomorrow, I wall call around for a few gyms in the neighborhood to see if we can fit two therapy days a week into Fa's already busy fall schedule.

I did it. As her mother and her advocate, I did it. For my girl. I did it.

Don't question yourselves friends. Always follow your gut. It's never wrong. Thank God I did.

'Create' by Fa

We've been at it again..This time Fa is the Arteest on display.

Care Bear Art
7/08

Bird
7/08



Butterfly
7/08

Papa
7/08

RT
6/08

Those were some of my faves.

She's come a long way...

Mommy Jumping Rope
8/24/06

Pondering

Why can't she keep her feet clean?

She showers regularly. She wears shoes/slippers most of the time. My floors are NOT that filthy.

Yet, the bottoms of her feet are always charcoal.

How does that happen? I have to wipe her feet down with baby wipes ALL the time.

I'm starting to call myself "Foot Patrol".

And why do I care?

***

How did I become the chauffeur?

I went from dropping her off at school to taking her to swimming, gymnastics, dance...and having to WAIT for her. I should charge her for "wait time".

This happened way to fast. I don't even get to have fun with her anymore at these classes...

***

Why do I have to repeat myself 3-4 times with every request/demand/reprimand?

I know she hears me. I know she knows what I'm saying. But I find myself saying the same crap over until she actually does what I've asked.

"Put your clothes in the hamper."
"Put your clothes in the hamper."
"Put your clothes in the hamper."
"Put your clothes in the hamper."

"Pick up your shoes."
"Pick up your shoes."
"Pick up your shoes."

"Brush your teeth."
"Brush your teeth."
"Brush your teeth."
"Brush your teeth."

I'm amazed by how many times I can say the same thing over and over again.

***

Yet, when she wants something...If I don't move fast enough...I get yelled at.

I'm huuuungryyyyyy, why aren't you making my sandwich yeeeeeeeeeettt?

I'm waiiiit-tiiinnng!!!

Holy hell.

Guilty

So you know how mommy guilt can totally take over your senses and you begin to start acting like a mental patient?

Yeah, me too.

After the doctor and the confirmation of my ignorance last week, I took Fa to the toy store. I mean really, she's a friggin' trooper. As if suffering through the itchy virus and her mother's inability to...well, mother. PLUS the lab taking about a gallon of blood for further testing etc. I felt horrible.

Don't judge.

I wanted to appease my own sense of guilt. She had no friggin' clue.

So, the toy store.

Took about 30 minutes for Fa to pick just one little, simple, pity-gift from her sorry ass mother.

What did she pick?

Yeah, if you knew my daughter, this would be easy peasy.

Can you figure it out yet?

Maybe my artistic, clown-like talents can help you out.

No?

She picked a balloon animal kit.

I know.

But look how talented her pitiful mother can become when racked with guilt.

Can you notice a trend?

Yeah, they pretty much all look the same.
Either dogs or kitties.... or

Yeah, I don't know either.

Mice or...

Penises.

Call me. I do parties.

*sniff*

If you love somebody (or five), set them free...

I'm too sad. Here's how it went.

They were ready! You know they were crazy caterpillars. Well, they were even crazier butterflies.

Here they are enjoying the last of the sugar water I set out for them.

He's totally enjoying the nectar from the flower I'm holding.

See his proboscis? (You can totally click on the images to biggen them) It's acting as a straw to retrieve the nectar from the center of the flower.

On the sugar soaked cotton ball, she was not ready to leave.

She stayed there for a good 10 minutes before she flew the coop and joined her four other friends in the great big world.

I was so sad letting them go. I didn't want to do it.
But Fa was ready and I knew if I showed her that I was hesitant, she might get worried. So, I told her I was sad but it was what we had to do. They deserved to live a free life and since we raised them, it was now time to set them off.

Besides, I wasn't dealing with 5 butterfly corpses by the end of this week. That would have thrown me over the edge.

Thank you for joining us on this amazing journey. We'll do it again next year!

Day 18 and we have a winner.

Whew! The one that I thought was most kaput. Is here.

See how dark that right guy (Earl) is compared to the guy on the left?
I thought he was a goner.

Well,

Heeeeeeerrrrre's Earl!!!!

Fa discovered him right before we left for school on Friday.
She wanted to go say goodbye to them and she saw the guy above.

Turns out, I didn't remember from last year, but the darker the chrysalis gets, the closer they are to emerging. You can even see their wings underneath the layer of the chrysalis. Too cool.

Here he is about 4pm on Friday. Day 18.

Smile for the camera!

Whew! Now I can breathe.

And now Fa (not me) is wondering, "What's taking the others so long, Mom?"

The one that was getting bullied the most, was the biggest caterpillar and the first butterfly to emerge a winner. Yay for the underdog! We shall overcome!

***

And because I love you all and couldn't keep you all hanging over the weekend....

Day 19 in the morning.

This is what we all woke up to:

And then there was one...

The guy on the leaf!

"New Born"

See the red colored droplet underneath him?
It's from his chrysalis. It's not blood. It's from his wet wings.

Awww, how cuuuute.

We are waiting for the last guy/gal to emerge, then we will set them free in the garden.

Stay tuned.

Sigh 'ku

I have no corpses?
I pray that is not the case
How sad we'll all be!

Nothing has happened
to my little chrysalis
Or 'tis chrysali?

Waiting patiently
to see what emerges here
five painted ladies.

I had five 'pillars
I have five chrysalises
just laying quiet

It's all too peaceful
Not a creature is stirring
I want some action!

***

Go here or here for Mr.Linky (these 'kuers rock)...to add your own piece of artful writing.

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky at the above link with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your generic blog URL). We will delete your link if it doesn’t go to a haiku. If you need help with this, contact Christina.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

Nothing so far

It's been a few days since 'day ten' and they are just hanging in their pupa. pupas, pupi?

We had a little accident on Friday and Fa slipped off her chair and made the netting go plop. One guy projectiled fell off the cover and is now laying on a leaf. Not sure if anyone is mortally wounded or just in shock.


Fa was collecting leaves and flowers for them and when she was putting them inside the netting...slap, drop, roll...

It is officially, day 16 but really, nothing has happened. So I have nothing to report just yet.

I don't remember it taking this long from 'pupa to wings' last year. But what does my memory serve me anyway? Nada.