What hiatus?

So, after the meeting with the friend after seven years?

Yeah, after about an hour...it was like we saw each other last week. Not seven years ago.

The kids got along great, the moms chatted and caught up. We had lunch.

I found out that when you are showing off at two, you're adorable and when you are showing off at almost five...not so much.

We really did have fun. Her family is good, we shared pictures and happenings.

We planned to see each other next week again. It was nice.

Turns out she's not all that far from me so get-together's are not only possible but totally easy to do.

So yeah, so far so good. Forgive me for being guarded but this is still new here and I really don't know what to expect. It all happened so fast. One minute she's gone for good, the next I'm on her couch eating a bagel...She knows more about me from the past than anyone other than K (who moved far, far away) So it's nice to reconnect to that. I know more about her the same way. So having her back in my life would really be a treat for me. Especially since you are all aware of my IRL friend situation, or lack thereof...

I harbor no hard feelings toward her, it seems she feels the same. I look forward to catching up. But you know me...Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As of right now, I am grateful for the reunion that we had. I look forward to other shared moments. I hope that we can remain friends and share the rest of our lives together.

I am happy we found each other again and I am happy it feels like 'old times' all over again.

But I would not be all that surprised if it just for some reason, didn't work out. Ya know?

I'll keep you all posted. Promise.

Hey, come on over....

Hi friends...Have a good weekend?

Good. That's nice.

I'm somewhere else today...come visit me. I'm blog sitting.

Leave me lots of comments and let me know you were there...

Oh, you look so nice today. Did you do something different with your hair? Well, whatever it is, you look mahvelous dahling.

BFF's?

It's been over a month that I heard anything from K.

I knew this was going to happen. She's never been the best at calling back. But we lived close, so I never thought anything of it. Now that I can't just up and visit whenever she calls...I feel the chasm deepening.

I feel the space that was already in our relationship widening.

She's always had me to lean on. I am always there when she calls. I always call her right back if I'm not.

Whenever I need to talk. I have to leave her a message. And wait. Until she returns my call...and usually by then, my problem is dealt with in some way and I don't need to talk about it with her anymore.

So the conversation usually leans in her favor.

I've thought long and hard about our friendship and I have come to some conclusions that I am not happy about.

I am a constant. She is floating.

I need a constant in my life. I have none of the female persuasion.

Yes, my family is a constant.

But real girlie BFF's? None.

All flighty and paper thin. Like a paper airplane let go in a windstorm.

Seems like a pattern.

I've spent years in therapy evaluating my patterns with boys and family...but never with girls as friends.

I never had many really close girlfriends. But I was always so proud of the 2-3 girls I had sister-like closeness with since childhood. I've lost every one of those in one way or another.

Now, I have begun to focus on that patterns with girls.

I have faced reality that my relationship has forever changed with K. It will never be the same. Not because she's in Texas. But because I realize she has never truly been there for me. Her leaving has finally made me see the spaces that have formed between us throughout the years. Geographical distance was never a problem. Emotional distance was.

Texas, NYC, Mars. She will always be the same. Floating. While I will be her constant. I'd never not be there for her, but I need to find a constant in my life that I can truly depend on...and she will never be it. She never has been. Our friendship depended on my being there. Not the other way 'round. Not collective, not mutual. All on me.

And I am saddened for many reasons.

I feel used. I feel lied to. I feel like our friendship is a one way sham and I was blind enough not to notice. Or needy enough not to care.

I'm tired of being so needy.

I wonder why my female relationships all end poorly. My therapist says it's because I don't want to get close for fear of abandonment. But once again, the only other 'maternal' relationship I have invested so much of my heart in has left me. Alone.

Why can't I keep a girlfriend?

Why do I have to keep enduring the loss?

Just another reason to keep my eyes wide open...