Wednesday, April 2, 2008


It's been over a month that I heard anything from K.

I knew this was going to happen. She's never been the best at calling back. But we lived close, so I never thought anything of it. Now that I can't just up and visit whenever she calls...I feel the chasm deepening.

I feel the space that was already in our relationship widening.

She's always had me to lean on. I am always there when she calls. I always call her right back if I'm not.

Whenever I need to talk. I have to leave her a message. And wait. Until she returns my call...and usually by then, my problem is dealt with in some way and I don't need to talk about it with her anymore.

So the conversation usually leans in her favor.

I've thought long and hard about our friendship and I have come to some conclusions that I am not happy about.

I am a constant. She is floating.

I need a constant in my life. I have none of the female persuasion.

Yes, my family is a constant.

But real girlie BFF's? None.

All flighty and paper thin. Like a paper airplane let go in a windstorm.

Seems like a pattern.

I've spent years in therapy evaluating my patterns with boys and family...but never with girls as friends.

I never had many really close girlfriends. But I was always so proud of the 2-3 girls I had sister-like closeness with since childhood. I've lost every one of those in one way or another.

Now, I have begun to focus on that patterns with girls.

I have faced reality that my relationship has forever changed with K. It will never be the same. Not because she's in Texas. But because I realize she has never truly been there for me. Her leaving has finally made me see the spaces that have formed between us throughout the years. Geographical distance was never a problem. Emotional distance was.

Texas, NYC, Mars. She will always be the same. Floating. While I will be her constant. I'd never not be there for her, but I need to find a constant in my life that I can truly depend on...and she will never be it. She never has been. Our friendship depended on my being there. Not the other way 'round. Not collective, not mutual. All on me.

And I am saddened for many reasons.

I feel used. I feel lied to. I feel like our friendship is a one way sham and I was blind enough not to notice. Or needy enough not to care.

I'm tired of being so needy.

I wonder why my female relationships all end poorly. My therapist says it's because I don't want to get close for fear of abandonment. But once again, the only other 'maternal' relationship I have invested so much of my heart in has left me. Alone.

Why can't I keep a girlfriend?

Why do I have to keep enduring the loss?

Just another reason to keep my eyes wide open...


  1. My best friends have always been guys. I think when you are young, tomboys are intimidating to other girls. (I am the tomboy here)

    Recently, I have opened myself up to friendships with women. They've been great! I'm still getting used to it ... after all, they have about 30 more years of experience with this than I do.

    Hang in there. In the meanwhile, you have the unending support of the bloggy world.

  2. Well, you saw this coming. That doesn't make it any easier, though.

    I have two very close friends (females) who are "floaters" as well. I miss talking to them, but they have obviously moved on with their lives.

    Make that your new goal. Get out and meet some people. I'm sure you will find a new "BFF."

  3. I can relate to so much of what you've said here. I have found that fostering relationships with women is really hard. I used to have a BFF in grammar school and high school and we had a huge fight before college and never regained the friendship as it was. I still mourn that. Since then, I have not been able to get close enough to someone to call them my best friend - with the exception of my husband. But life is so much richer with a best girlfriend. I wish I had one too. You're not alone.

  4. Awww I'm sorry. I too had a friend who I thought I was much closer to. Until she moved. Then it became really hard to keep the connection. She was the type that always has to be the dominant one. Then I got married. Had my own daughter.. realized that I don't much care for her parenting and we really don't have all that much in common. And I haven't spoken to her in a year. I was sad at first that we seemed to drift... until I realized, I didn't really need her that much and didn't have anything to feel badly about.

  5. she's out there.
    maybe even next door. who knows?

  6. if i were closer, i'd be ringing your doorbell with a bottle of wine and a pie.

    and we would be bffs for sure.

  7. hi JJ -- it is good that you are realizing this. you don't need this kind of one-sided relationship. there are some fantastic people out there who will knock your socks off with how much they care about you ... you will cross their paths. you are a sweetheart and soon, someone in your local life is going to grasp on to you and not let go ... but just love their new JJ friend.

    but it will happen, i am sure of it. stay open, yes.

    blessings, kathleen

  8. It is good that you are realizing this...although that doesn't necessarily make you feel any better.

    I am much in the same boat as you are :) I passed through earlier doing the bloghunt, but wanted to come back :) You can find me at

    My email is :)


  9. I am going through the same thing with my BFF. He's a guy and he's really floating right now. I know I'll be there for him when he needs me, but it's not always the other way around and it hurts.

    :( I very much understand, love.

  10. big hugs to you, my friend. And a glass of wine.

    If you need anything, email, IM, whatever. I am here if you need to talk.

    Yes, I am essentially a total stranger - BUT.... Houston is a great place to visit! Bring Fa...come hang out with all us wacky women here. Galveston (while it sucks itself) has a giant indoor water park. Supposed to be way fun.

    You are the best...and if you don't start recognizing that, I am gonna kick your tushie.

  11. *hugs*

    I am so sorry; I wish we lived closer. I'd be your constant! Or at least more of one than what you had. I dealt with so many of the same issues you are dealing with, and consider myself very lucky to have at last found some women who I know are truly there for me should I need them. And I've even been lucky enough to find some friends from my past, though with one or two of them, I doubt our friendships will ever be the same.

    I know it is lonely and so hard; I've been there. I hope you are able to find some wonderful friends who are every bit as good to you as you are to your friends!

  12. Those one sided friendships are really draining. I think some women put less importance on having those female friend relationships, so it isn't a priority for them. It isn't anything you and I do, just a different set of priorities.

    I have my family and my great family of 3 boys (counting the hubs) but there is still something about a girlfriend. And it's important to me, yet I can't expect it to be as an important to every woman I meet that I'd want to be friends with.

    Plus, when you live apart, it's hard to keep that day-to-day connection.

    And sometimes I wonder if this need I feel to have a girlfriend to do lots of things with is just a crutch of sorts. If that makes sense? Like I'm keeping myself from being really comfortable being with myself. Am i talking crazy?


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