It's been over a month that I heard anything from K.
I knew this was going to happen. She's never been the best at calling back. But we lived close, so I never thought anything of it. Now that I can't just up and visit whenever she calls...I feel the chasm deepening.
I feel the space that was already in our relationship widening.
She's always had me to lean on. I am always there when she calls. I always call her right back if I'm not.
Whenever I need to talk. I have to leave her a message. And wait. Until she returns my call...and usually by then, my problem is dealt with in some way and I don't need to talk about it with her anymore.
So the conversation usually leans in her favor.
I've thought long and hard about our friendship and I have come to some conclusions that I am not happy about.
I am a constant. She is floating.
I need a constant in my life. I have none of the female persuasion.
Yes, my family is a constant.
But real girlie BFF's? None.
All flighty and paper thin. Like a paper airplane let go in a windstorm.
Seems like a pattern.
I've spent years in therapy evaluating my patterns with boys and family...but never with girls as friends.
I never had many really close girlfriends. But I was always so proud of the 2-3 girls I had sister-like closeness with since childhood. I've lost every one of those in one way or another.
Now, I have begun to focus on that patterns with girls.
I have faced reality that my relationship has forever changed with K. It will never be the same. Not because she's in Texas. But because I realize she has never truly been there for me. Her leaving has finally made me see the spaces that have formed between us throughout the years. Geographical distance was never a problem. Emotional distance was.
Texas, NYC, Mars. She will always be the same. Floating. While I will be her constant. I'd never not be there for her, but I need to find a constant in my life that I can truly depend on...and she will never be it. She never has been. Our friendship depended on my being there. Not the other way 'round. Not collective, not mutual. All on me.
And I am saddened for many reasons.
I feel used. I feel lied to. I feel like our friendship is a one way sham and I was blind enough not to notice. Or needy enough not to care.
I'm tired of being so needy.
I wonder why my female relationships all end poorly. My therapist says it's because I don't want to get close for fear of abandonment. But once again, the only other 'maternal' relationship I have invested so much of my heart in has left me. Alone.
Why can't I keep a girlfriend?
Why do I have to keep enduring the loss?
Just another reason to keep my eyes wide open...