Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Opening my eyes

What's wrong with me these days?


I feel good.

I took a break. I got back into some good cognitive therapy.

I figured out some stuff...A LOT of stuff...

I thought, I played, I read.

I'm rejuved, man.

I am enjoying motherhood once again, guilt free. (for now)

I've had some time to bond with my family. My daughter is the most amazing little girl I have ever met. She is officially a BIG girl. A 50lb - 4 year old!

She is smart and happy and being a generally good kid. She loves school and is doing a most amazing job. I am so proud of her. She's into Hi-5 now...I kinda like 'em too...(You should check 'em out.) Great tunes! We dance around the living room singing at the top of our lungs together...My favorite time of day. Except I can't pick her up anymore...

I feel calm and cozy in my life right now and my head is clear. I know what I want and I know what makes me happy. You know what makes me happy? Making my OWN decisions...without worrying about what other people think. How simple, right? If only it was that easy...but I'm working on it.

I am staying away from outside influences and making decisions that suit ME best. No one else.
I only have this one life and I intend to make the best of it.

You know what else makes me happy? FINALLY figuring out that this is my life and I really enjoy it. I am the only one that can make me happy and no one else. Truth be told, I don't know anyone that wants to MAKE me happy...they just want to SEE me happy. Big difference.

I am done depending on others to make me feel good. I need to make myself feel good. It's hard and sometimes I fail, but I know what has to be done...My eyes have been opened to a lot this time around and I am more accepting than ever before.

My expectations of others has diminished. There's a line in the song "Hey Jealousy" from the Gin Blossoms: "If you don't expect too much from me, you may not be let down." I have always loved that quote, but now I get it. Finally. I am done expecting others to meet up to my expectations. I always get let down.

I have standards for my family that yes, I will always expect. But that's it. And those standards are set to only make my family members strive. Not to make me happy. If my daughter and husband succeed, that's great, that will make me happy. But it's not the ONLY thing about them that will bring me joy.

It's good to be back.

Oh, and It's April fool's day...anything fun going on?


  1. Well, I knew you would get everything straightened out and back to your usual self.

    Welcome back...

  2. Yay! Glad you're ironing out some things. heehee

    "Hi5 is my favorite," my girl says.

    It's better than "Yo Gabba Gabba." We're also into the Winx Club here, but we only have one DVD and I can't find it on TV anywhere.

    We are the Winx, We are the Winx, come join the club...


  3. YAY!!! you're back!

    and you sound great.


  4. I am glad you are happier and in a better place now! I know that my eyes sure were opened when I stopped expecting/hoping for others to make me happy. As you can tell, I occasionally still slip. But for the most part, it's been a liberating and life-changing-for-the-better thing.

    I love me some Gin Blossoms!

  5. Bravo Sister! Those are some hard learned lessons. Glad you're back!

  6. So glad you have gotten some clarity!

  7. YAHOO! I am glad you are feeling better. I am clawing my way back too ... thank you for you kind words and encouragement. Life is just so much pressure if I let the outside noises in too much!


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