Hookey Schmookey

We were planning to play hookey tomorrow.

Me and my girl.

But as Marsha Brady once said, "Something suddenly came up."

The kid doesn't want to miss school.

What she said: There's a "really special assembly tomorrow and I really don't want to miss it."
What I heard: "Mom, you suck. I'd rather spend time at the mill than be with you."

I know that's not what she meant.

But dammit if I wasn't looking forward to the day off.

And really? MY KID WANTS to go to SCHOOL? Have I not taught ANYthing?

I've failed as a parent.

I'm Off

No really, I'm off.

From work.

For a whole 5 days. + the weekends. Do they count?

I want to accomplish so much. I will get to do nothing. I'll sit. I'll veg. I'll do the laundry. The piles are deafening.

I'm off my rocker too.

So much in my head.

My daughter thinks I'm looney. In a good way. I think.

She laughs very hard at me. Most of the time. In a good way. I think.

This week, I plan to do a lot to entertain her. Ice skating. Roller skating. The mall. Wait. That one's for me. I will try my hardest not to be a lazy ass.

My nature is to be a lazy ass. My nurture says otherwise.

So this week. My winter break. I will entertain my daughter. Myself, and maybe even my husband. (If he's lucky.)
Prolly not.

My plans will be conquered. My goals will be met. Wait. I have work to do too. Will I do it? Nope. My bag will remain in my car the entire week. Then Monday I will drive to work staring at the bag. Wishing I would have been a tiny bit motivated.

Oh well. I'm only doing my best. My best may not be good enough. But it's MY best. Not anyone elses.

I'm off.

Why can't I just be a lazy ass anyway?

FaceTimeSuck

Facebook.

I can't quit you.

I have a blogging account. I have a personal account.

I am addicted to the latter.

On the upside, I have reconnected with some really cool people from my past that I have truly missed. I have gathered them under my wing and let them know how sorry I am for losing them in the first place. I have made great efforts to keep them close.

It is nice to catch up.

However, why do the people I DON'T want to befriend hound me?

I've ignored your request to play wordscramble once. How many times do I have to ignore you before I have to block you totally?

I love seeing friend's pictures. I love reading their updates.

But I have a life, no?

How do I incorporate real life into facelife?

This is the dilemma?

How will I continue the love affair once work starts up again? The major dilemma.

I can't lose those people all over again. Really.

How do you mange your internets and your reality?

Mom of the Year...Not

 

So Janet awarded me with this hysterical, well, award. I love it. I love it for many reasons. The title, the image...the fact that I am SO NOT "Mom of the year"! Thank you Janet. I will wear this proudly.

So, here’s what you do:

1. Admit that ONE thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you’ve written it down, you are NO LONGER allowed to feel bad. It’s over with, it’s in the past. Remember, you’re a good mom!


2. To remind yourself that you ARE a good mom, list SEVEN things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself of EVERY DAY that you rock!


3. Send this to FIVE other Moms of the Year that deserve forgiveness and a reminder that they, too, are the best moms they can be!!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you’ve selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you!

Hell, I have one bajillion things that I can name that I have done and felt awful about later on. But here's one: I feel like I don't spend enough time with my daughter. Gah. There, I said it. I feel guilty when I'm on the phone, when I plop her in front of the TV or computer, when I send her to the basement to play alone...Whenever I am NOT doing something, anything with her...Hell, while I'm writing this post. But I do it anyway, because I still need some MOM time, even after she's been in school...or out with her Dad...or well, anything not here.

I'm sorry. I do it and I guilt myself...but I continue to do it.

A vicious circle. I tell you.

Okay. There. That's that.

Now, the seven things I love about my daughter:
1. Her imagination. She is vivid and specific and creative and so interesting to listen to when she's telling a story or playing out a situation with her toys. I love listening to her.

2. Her vocabulary. She sucks up new words every day. She speaks better than I do. And I love that about her.

3. Her love of life.  Every day is fresh and exciting and fun for her. She loves life and school and her friends and loves sharing her joy with everyone.

4. The fact that she used to be shy...and isn't any more. What a different kid. She was so painfully shy it hurt ME to watch her be outside. But now, she has more friends and more social events and more to give than anyone I ever met.

5. Her hair. Damn I love her hair. It's thick and long and luxurious and I'd give anything for a head of hair like hers.

6. Her heart. She cares. Truly cares about other people's feelings and making them happy. She wants everyone to feel loved and cared for. It's an amazing quality for a child to possess. And she HAS it 100%.

7. Her focus. She gets into something and stays in it until it is done. A game, a project, a book. Anything. Once she starts something, she must finish it. Especially when she is truly in love with whatever she's doing. I envy her focus. I envy her passion for things.

I want every mom who comes to this blog to accept this award from me. I think we are all too hard on ourselves and it's nice to know there are others out there who feel the way we do. If you do this..let me know so I can link to you here...

About A Mom. Me.

I totally snatched this from "Problem Girl".
I think this fits perfectly with my goal to maintain a journal for Fa....

1. What is something mom always says to you? You love me.

2. What makes mom happy? Me.

3. What makes mom sad? Not me.

4. How does your mom make you laugh? You make funny faces.

5. What was mom like as a child? Like me.

6. How old is your mom? 76

7. How tall is your mom? 60 feet

8. What is her favorite thing to do? Kiss me.

9. What does your mom do when you are not around? Lay on the couch.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what would it be for? Me.

11. What is your mom really good at? Punching the dog in the head.

12. What is your mom not very good at? Not punching the dog in the head.

13. What does your mom do for work? Nothing.

14. What is your mom's favorite food? Salad.

15. What makes you proud of your mom? You're mommy.

16. If your mom was a cartoon character, who would she be? I don't know.

17. What do you and your mom do together? Hug.

18. How are you and your mom alike? We both have brown hair.

19. How are you and your mom different? She has short hair and I have long hair.

20. How do you know your mom loves you? 'Cause I know.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? He hugs her.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? Home.

She's not a girl of many words this morning...I'm shocked.
Actually, this is quite accurate. Except! I am SO not 76. I feel 76, but I'm NOT 76.

"I wrote this song/blog for you"

I started blogging to keep track of the things that go on with my toddler. I started blogging for that toddler to have something to look back on one day, maybe when I'm not here... I started blogging to maintain some sanity. I met so many cool people while blogging... I started blogging for many reasons, mostly to keep my life with my child relevant...long after I'm gone. I've always wanted Fa to know how loved she is.

Then Fa got bigger. She's no longer that toddler that takes two naps a day. She no longer sits in one spot and plays for hours on end. She needs constant movement, action. She's busy. She has a social calendar busier than I ever had. She's learning to play the drums. She's going to school almost full time. She starts Kindergarten in September. Then, there has been soccer, gymnastics, swimming... all with one child.

I've lost myself again.

And I've lost track of all the goings on around here and this blog has a gap in time. And I regret not journaling the time Fa started swimming on her own without the floaties...I regret not writing about how great she's improving due to her OT sessions. I hate that I haven't posted about all the birthday parties that she's gone to...without fear, able to process the sensation without crying for hours. I hate that.

But I'm emerging again. Smarter, more experienced. Less fearful? (I don't know. I have a lot of baggage in that department.)

I am still grieving after 20 years over the loss of my mother.

I am now grieving over a loss I wasn't even ready for.

I am trying to gather up my senses and make this life worth living. I am trying to show my daughter that this life is worth living.

It is hard.

The whole fucking thing is hard.

But in the end, I just want this blog to be there for my daughter.

She sees me going through crap that I can't explain. She knows I'm off center. She knows Mommy's sad, sick, or crying again...But I don't want her to ever think it's her fault.

So, here I am again at the keyboard. Hoping that not now, but one day she will look at this and maybe even remember "that February when it was Mommy's birthday but she couldn't stop crying...THAT'S what that was about...now I get it."

I am even going over and fixing up some posts from my old blog in order to attach it here so it is all in one place for her one day. Look for the link in my sidebar soon ------->.

This is a journal of my heart for my daughter...

She may not get it now. But one day she will.

If only she knew

If only she knew that when I lose my patience, it's not at her..it's at regret, at fear, at doubt.

If only she knew that I hold her back not because she'll hurt herself, but because seeing her suffer is a pain I can not bear.

If only she knew the fears I carry deep in my heart that I long to protect her from, only stops me from being the best I can be.

If only she knew how I've changed my life for her well being.

If only she knew how pride, love, joy, and treasure doesn't even begin to explain what I feel for her.

If only she knew that I am just as scared as she is.

If only she knew that I'm making ALL of this up as I go along.

If only she knew that even when I am scolding her, I am laughing inside at how resourceful she is with the toothpaste, how clever she is for dressing the dog in a tutu, and how artistic she is even when her paints get on my walls.

If only she knew that most of my yelling stems from fear and grief.

If only she knew my love is endless, boundless, limitless even when I am angry and screaming.

If only she knew how hard I work to show her that she is loved and so needed.

If only she knew the joy she brings me, even in my darkest days and my most helpless moments.

If only she knew....If only she knew.

Happy New Year

 

To all my friends!

I hope your New Year Rocks!

December 20th

I can't believe I have a five year old daughter.

It seems like just yesterday she was born.

Now, I'm filling out the paperwork for kindergarten.

How fast does it go, really?

It's been over a month since I've put words to posts here at this blog, and it feels like I was just here yesterday. I miss you all.

In coming back, I find that one very good blogging friend is expecting her third child.

And...

My other very good blogging friend Margaret had a baby on the 17th. I've heard all about her journey from the day she found out she was having this beautiful boy, through some trying and scary stuff and now he's here.

I have hardly any advice for her. Just enjoy each and every moment like it is your last.

I spent the first 3 and a half years wishing my daughter would be old enough to understand. Wishing that the infant would stop crying. Wishing she would grow up. Now, she understands more than I thought possible and I feel I've lost some precious moments in my urge to rush.

She is very excited to be five. But in that excitement and maturity comes understanding. And she says she will miss having someone to "take care" of her. (Like I would ever stop doing that.) She says she worries that I will go to heaven like my mother did to me and she will be a young child, Motherless.

She is way to young to be worried about that stuff. And I have made her worry.

Yes, I have been honest with her about everything and told her all I can regarding her questions about life and love and loss. But she is smart. She puts stuff together that most 5 year olds don't. And I am left once again with guilt.

I know she is just starting to understand and it will all come clear to her one day. But my heart. It hurts for her. Her innocence lost. The time I rushed. The time wasted by wishing it away. Time WE will not get back.

Now here she is. Five. Ready to start her journey of independence. Questioning her role, but loving life. I see me in her. I see myself in her a lot. In the way she looks. Her actions. Her words.

And I want to instill in her the power to trust herself. I am still learning that. I hope we can learn together.

I asked her what her favorite part about being four was. She said she liked when I helped her clean her room. What kid says that?

I asked her what she was looking forward to at five. She wants to be a veterinarian. I love that about her. Time is no concept. And she is confident that whatever she wants she will get. It will not be given to her per se, but she will get it on her own.

She is confident. I love that. That helps her to forgive. Because she knows she is loved. And all you need is love.

I could have a total screaming fit at her for something so silly and in a moment, she has forgotten my madness. Time. Heals all wounds. For some faster than others. For her in an instant. For me, a little longer.

However, this time I have learned. Not to rush anything. And I am enjoying each and every moment of five that I can. I'll never have it again.

I will take this time to savor each flavor of five. The bad times and the overwhelming good times. The tears and the belly laughs.

I am so lucky to have this little girl in my life and I will not let that get passed me. Ever.

So today, I share five with all of you. I hope as a gift to my daughter, you take this moment to hug your children no matter how old. Or how young. Hug your parents, hug your partner, hug yourself.

Understand that time doesn't stop. Time will pass as our lives pass in the blink of an eye. Don't rush it and enjoy it. Envelop your time and keep your time precious in the folds of your soul. It's all we have. Time and Love.

Savor it.

All my love chelle...

I love you all.

Margaret, my dear friend enjoy this time. I wish I could be there to hug you.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl. You are my most precious gift. I'm sorry I will hug you too much today. But you will understand one day. I promise.

Just Poetik

So iPhone has this app. where you can create your own poems using Shakespeare's words. I love it.

And I wrote this in the throes of an almost 5 year old tantrum.

Yes, I was actually playing with it while she was screaming and kicking and thrashing about.

Not bad huh?

Yeh, she calmed down. Eventually. But she is having a hard time of this growing up thing. Me too.

Now THAT was a tantrum!

Oh I dunno, about two hours filled with screaming and yelling and crying.

Yeah, that was our Sunday night. And no it wasn't me.

It was her.

Door slamming, room confinement, "I'm gonna die in here" threats.

It was So. Much. Fun.

Cursing. Oh the cursing. (Now, that was me.)

I gave up. I did my best and I tried to keep calm with her yelling and him getting more mad by the second.

She was tired, we were tired.

I yelled at him, he cursed at me.

I made him deal with it the rest of the way through.

And ya know what?

He calmed her down, showered her and got her ready for bed. When she finally got to me again. She was weepy but calmer.

I should give up more often.

I learned my lesson.

And all for what?

We had a great day! A great weekend!

She played soccer. Pretty good too, may I add.

Her cousins came to cheer her on.

They ate ice cream and played in the basement.

The basement.

Unsupervised.

Uhm hum....That's how it happened.

She's the only child.

Three older cousins...2 sisters, one close enough sister. Her, the baby. Alone. Tired. Dirty. Cranky.

One of her chalk board drawings, "My most beautiful picture...EVER!" got accidentally erased. (I'm not so sure how accidentally, truthfully.)

Oh! The horror!

Now, I'm not trying to stick up for my only child or anything. I know she can be a little *ahem* dramatically challenged. But, she has never thrown that kinda fit over something that trivial before.

Or has she?

Maybe?

Maybe.

Okay, yes.

She has.

Over something quite similar actually. Not the chalk board, the magic magnet board. And it wasn't family she sent out with threats of hatred and evil screams. It was her best friend. And everyone cried that time too.

You see, she hates to throw ANYthing out. And when she saves something...she saves it.

Especially stuff that is supposed to be 'changed' when the mood strikes. DON'T you dare touch it, or all hell will break loose.

Drawn, originally July '07

Accidentally 'altered', Sept. '08

So, when I heard the piercing screams from my livingroom, you can only imagine what I initially thought?

So, you can also understand why I was skeptical about it being an 'accident'...until I processed the situation. This morning. While I was typing this post.

So, can you see why I let him handle it?

So, Yeah. Now THAT was a tantrum.

It's Way Too Soon

I can't even TRY to change the subject.

She won't let me get away with this much longer.

Avoidance and plain talk doesn't fly with this kid.

She wants answers. Answers to questions that her little mind can't possiby compute.

Answers that will for sure cause a raucus in her innocent little mind and not translate very well to her preschool friends.

How do I explain how she was made?

How does "We wanted a baby and mommy and daddy made you" become not good enough for an almost 5 year old?

How do I explain that she's not adopted (where the hell does she learn this?) and that she is ours, made from us?

How do I explain why she was in my belly and how she got there and how she got out?

'Cause lemme tell ya, she ain't havin' the short version for much longer people.

It is way too soon for this, dear me.

School is Cool...and other reasons to let go.

...At least that's what I think.

But then again, I need a break.

Don't get me wrong, Fa loves school too. Should I be offended that she runs right into the classroom to play with her friends and ignores the likes of me?

I leave feeling a little deflated, but so proud of her independence. It's all I could ask of her, really.

Strange dichotomy isn't it?

Wanting her to love it so much and feel comfortable enough to let go. But then, wanting her to need me just a little longer.

You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

This weekend she had her first sleepover at her grandmother's house. With her cousins. All girls. (Poor woman.)

Fa enjoyed herself so much that she; a) didn't want to leave and b) wanted to have "another sleepover next weekend"...Hello? Wanna know what I did during the sleepover?

I missed her. I stressed. I hyperventilated a bit.

Well, The Pro and I did have a very nice "date". That was one good thing. It was really nice to reconnect again. I love our dates. They are always so much fun. And I start to feel like we're on the 'same page' again after some time of reading two different books.

I got drunk, of course.

Then I woke up at 6am ready to go and pick her up.

Not reasonable, I know. But I was missing her terribly. And I couldn't breath all that well.

She didn't even ask to call us.

And when we got there, she seemed, well...disappointed. Damn it.

But my Dad gave me a really good pep talk. He said that's what I want. I want to see her strong and independent. He said "You know, you have to let go."

I know it.

But it's so hard.

How did he do it? He seemed quite good at it, honestly.

I feel by letting go it's making her stronger and more self sufficient. But in the same breath, by letting her go, my heart breaks into shards each time I see her leave. Even if for just a little while. It's a sign of the future. Having to let go. For good.

Oh!

My aching heart.

Is school the precurser to and independant life for her, or for me?

Mom's Don't Leave (2)

We're schnuggling in bed again.

A year later.

Except this time Fa comes right out with it. No more beating around the bush.

Fa: "Do you miss your mom?"

Oh god, don't cry J, don't cry...

Me: "Yes, baby I do miss her terribly."

F: "Where is she? What happened to her?"

M: "Well baby, my mommy was very sick, too sick for her body to keep her here with me and well baby, she died."

What the hell DO I say? This kid knows about death now. Her fish died a few months ago.

M: "Remember when Goldie died?"

F: "Yeah, and we flushed her down the toilet?"

M: "Well, that's what happens when you are very, very old or very sick. But we don't flush people down the toilet."

F: "Do you miss her? Why can't I see her? Why can't I meet her? Will you get sick? What if you die? Will I die? Will Daddy Die?"

How does she do that? How does she ask these thoughtful questions?

M: "Baby, death is a part of life and when we get very, very, very, very old. SO old we won't be able to dance anymore, then our bodies stop working because they can't take care of us anymore, and we die."

F: "How old were you when your mom died?"

Holy shit!

M: "Well baby, my mom died when I was pretty young. I was a teenager...way older than you are now. But remember, she was very sick. And I had my daddy, (Papa) and Auntie and other family and friends to take care of me when that happened."

F: "What will I do when you die? Where will you go when you die? Why can't I see your mom? I won't see you either!"

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck.

M: "Honey, you are stuck with me forever! I'm sticking around here until I'm all old, and wrinkly and mean and nasty because I don't like being old and wrinkly. You think I'm cranky NOW? I'm gonna be so annoying to you that you'll be trying to run away from me, I'll be so old. And I'll be screaming after you in my electric wheel chair telling you to come and change my diaper."

You see, humor saves everything in my head.

M: (Watching her crack a smile) "And you know, my mommy is tucked deep in my heart and I have her with me all the time now. Even when I miss her most and I can't see her. I know she is in my heart and keeping me safe and happy. Because she will ALWAYS be with me, even if she isn't here to talk to."

F: "So since you are already in my heart, you'll stay there forever?"

Damn, she's good.

M: "Yes baby! You know when we kiss each other we always say we'll keep it in our hearts forever? Well, think about all the smooching we do, our hearts are already filled up with kisses and love...think about that." (As I proceed to kiss her all over her face and shoulders and just practically smothering her with kisses...so she will laugh and change the fricken' subject already.) "See, all that love? It will be with you forever."

F: "I'll be your mom, I'll take care of you?"

GOD DAMN, this kid is awesome.

M: "Thank you so much sweet, sweet baby! But I don't want you to be my mom. I want you to be my baby girl so I can keep being your mommy and love you and take care of you as long as you need me. Remember, I have a mommy we just can't see her. But we can talk to her and talk about her whenever you want to. I love talking about my mom, especially with you."

That pretty much ended that conversation. She seemed content with all that I told her and didn't freak out like the last time.

So I kissed her goodnight one more time, so proud that I held it together to maintain calm and cool while touching upon something that is still so raw in my chest all these years later.

But I'll do anything for this child. Even if its ripping my own heart to shreds.

Then, I went into the bathroom and proceeded to cry for a half hour.

Mom's Don't Leave (1)

(This was originally posted on my very first blog in May of 2007 (that I can't link to)...but I have more to add now. So I'll start you off here....)

How do I convince my daughter of that when I am living proof that indeed some moms leave?

Schnuggling before a nap recently, she asked me if I loved my Mommy and Daddy. (Red flags raised..she never mentions my Mom even when I talk about her) Of course, I said yes. She continued to ask, "Who's your Daddy?" (She knows full well the answer to this since we play this game often enough) "Papa" I answered with a smile. Then, she asked a question that I knew was coming but it still totally threw me for a loop.

"Who's your Mommy?"

"Well, my Mommy is 'Bunny'." I replied stiffly, waiting for her next question that was inevitably coming.

"Where is Bunny? My grandma?"

Here we go....

In my head I'm screaming, "I'm not ready for this" repeatedly...over an over. "She's only 3 years and 5 months old! 41 months! How has this concept entered her head so soon? How do I answer her?" "She may not be too young to ask the questions but she is too young to comprehend the answers..."

I began to tell her that Bunny, her grandma, my Mommy is in Heaven. (A concept I'm not too sure of myself...but I was thrown and caught off guard.)

She asked me if I missed her and again, if I loved her and was I sad that she was not here?

How the hell does she do this?

I told her I do miss my Mommy terribly because she isn't here with me and I love her and I wish she was still here with us. I told her I was sad because she never got to meet her and I just know she would love her... the conversation went on for a few more minutes before Fa told me "Not to worry because I'll make you feel better!" She said it to me. To my face. 3.5 years old. She even punctuated it with strong, neck-hugs! I am floored!

Then, she wouldn't let me leave her. She screamed bloody murder like I died a thousand deaths right in front of her, "Papa, Bunny, Mamma...Don't leave me!" "I'm scared you'll leave me!" "Mamma come back, don't leave me alone!"

Heartbreak.

Sheer shattered chest muscle.

You're not breathing, JJ. Breathe.

As I sat there rocking her close to my chest trying my damndest not to smother her with my kisses and trying even harder to convince her that I would never leave her and I will be her mommy forever...I felt guilty.

What if I do leave her?

What if I make her a motherless daughter?

I'm lying to her face.

How will she forgive me for telling her moms don't leave? When they do.

She is too young to be worried about this. She is too smart to not figure it out. She is too sensitive to forget this conversation any time soon.

I am sad that I have left her a legacy of loss and fear of being left alone by mother.

How could I do this to her?

How do I help her understand?

How do I rest her fears?

...Assure her that I am here for her...until she is older and better able to understand...that moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart.

"So the days float through my eyes... But still the days seem the same"

My Fa's schedule is about to take off. I We have very many days in September filled with places to be and things to do.

I guess this is just the calm before the storm. Sorry for the horrible pun, Gustav victims.

In this moment of calm I am thinking. Too hard. I am looking (once again) to find something that completes me. Something that makes me worthwhile. To myself.

I've tried ceramics, book clubs, mom's night out and of course the gym. I still love the gym, it makes me feel good. But. What next?

How long can I keep searching for that thing? That thing that I love. That thing that defines me. Not that person, but that thing. Hobby, talent, dare I say career?

When does life finally get content? It seems that I will realize my "thing" when I am waiting for the bright light to take me away. By then, it will be too late. How do I grab it now? And enjoy it now? And revel in it forever?

Forever is a frickin' long time. For some. And for some it's just not. Some don't get to feel that notion of forever. Am I being selfish or even nit-picky over the wrong things in life? Should I be worried more about the generalities of the world or just the isolation of my world, in my mind and heart. After all, my head and my heart is where my world stems from.

So how do I know when I have that thing?

And how will it make the monotony of the everyday seem bearable?

Our schedule is changing along with the seasons and it is that time of year (I guess) for taking inventory of myself again. This may take me a while.

They say change is good. I ask when does change start to feel good? Does it ever get "just right"?

My Apologies

It's been a while. I know.

Since I came back from my vacation (three weeks is it now?), I have been in the dumps. I'm not sure why. Well, I am kinda sure why I just don't feel like writing about it. Funny, I agree. Since I usually feel like writing about it.

I have been a horrific blog citizen and haven't read anyone's blogs in forever. I am sorry about that too.

Thank you for checking up on me. I really appreciate that.

Fa is starting her last year of pre-school and she is way ready for kindergarten already. Damn cut off dates. I am melancholy that the summer is over and life will get hectic again. I miss my little girl terribly. She is so big now. It hurts to watch her grow these days.

She is terribly clumsy and falls over her own two feet. (and air). Her body is way too big for her brain. And her attitude is way to old for her little body. But she has turned into a sweet, caring, considerate little lady this summer. She is concerned for others feelings, she is kind and meaningful in her relations with others. She is such a joy to know. I love this age. She picked me flowers yesterday because she thought they would cheer me up. (She thought I was mad at her!) I really can't be mad at her these days.

She starts soccer this weekend. She's learned to swim like a fish and will continue swimming through the fall. She's not sure what she likes better, gymnastics or dance and she is not sure which activity to choose between for the fall. As her mother I want to give her everything, but that's just not possible with scheduling and finances. So I am FORCING her to choose. Bad mommy.

Where did this little lady come from? And where have I gone?

I'm feeling very insecure these days. Not feeling like I am showing her my best side. Not being, I guess you could call it, the "supermom" that I want to be for her. I am lazy, scared and unsure of myself and I feel that she doesn't have the best role model to learn from. Being a stay at home mom can sure rake you of your confidence and talents. I feel like I have faded into the background of life and I can't even hold up my end of any conversation without glazing over. It's difficult.

I have had not one real adult conversation without a child being the main topic all summer and my head feels like it's going to explode. The Pro has been working extra hard and leaving me to deal with most of the parenting responsibilities and I can't blame him. We have taken on these roles in order for Fa and our lives to run as smoothly as possible. But I am feeling left behind. I am feeling like a stranger in a strange land who doesn't speak the language and is having trouble finding the hotel. All I keep repeating is: "Donde esta el quarto de bano?" And I am getting strange looks from all angles.

I don't know how to break free.

Don't get me wrong. I have had a wonderful summer. Filled with activities and games. Swimming and playing and playdates.

For Fa.

Fa and I have been inseparable sinnce June. 24 hours a day. 

I have not done a thing for myself all summer. I have not been alone all summer. Give or take a few minutes when The Pro takes Fa to the park or to dinner. I wake up to Fa, I go to sleep to Fa. And I love her to death.

And I am starting to feel it.

I sound like I'm complaining.

I'm not.

I'm just lost.

Everyone needs some rejuving time. Time to catch up and reflect on what's been going on. I have not done that. Yet.

I need to do that soon. I wish I could just take a day and go to the beach and watch the sun set onto the waves and not worry about Fa running into the water and having to chase after her.

How do you do it?

How do you rejuvinate your spirit without feeling guilty for wanting five minutes to yoruself?

I was thinking.

If I poured this

Into one of these pineapple flavors...


Could I get this?

Inquiring minds want to know.

I'm so talented

Celebrating the Pro's birthday was fun. He enjoyed his present: 'Landscaping done for him until the end of the summer'. He said it was the best present he's ever gotten. Yay me.

I got brave and I actually tried to bake a cake. A real one. From a box. But nonetheless edible and frosted.

See:

Nom Nom Nom

Way better than last year's Birthday Blunder which started out alright:



But ended up looking like frosted crap.

Atrocious.

And since I had a whole entire year to contemplate my baking errors...I got creative.

I know. I know. You are amazed at my bakin' skillz.

He was too.

I am even quite the resourceful one when I can't find a piping head that works with the crap-tastic red piping that I bought without reading the label. It was missing a plastic head that piped out the red frosting in a thick tube to make the baseball stitiching...So what did I do you ask?

Thank goodness Fa takes her meds from a spoon now. Looks like something from a horror movie.

Should I start a business? Heh Heh.

Pondering

Why can't she keep her feet clean?

She showers regularly. She wears shoes/slippers most of the time. My floors are NOT that filthy.

Yet, the bottoms of her feet are always charcoal.

How does that happen? I have to wipe her feet down with baby wipes ALL the time.

I'm starting to call myself "Foot Patrol".

And why do I care?

***

How did I become the chauffeur?

I went from dropping her off at school to taking her to swimming, gymnastics, dance...and having to WAIT for her. I should charge her for "wait time".

This happened way to fast. I don't even get to have fun with her anymore at these classes...

***

Why do I have to repeat myself 3-4 times with every request/demand/reprimand?

I know she hears me. I know she knows what I'm saying. But I find myself saying the same crap over until she actually does what I've asked.

"Put your clothes in the hamper."
"Put your clothes in the hamper."
"Put your clothes in the hamper."
"Put your clothes in the hamper."

"Pick up your shoes."
"Pick up your shoes."
"Pick up your shoes."

"Brush your teeth."
"Brush your teeth."
"Brush your teeth."
"Brush your teeth."

I'm amazed by how many times I can say the same thing over and over again.

***

Yet, when she wants something...If I don't move fast enough...I get yelled at.

I'm huuuungryyyyyy, why aren't you making my sandwich yeeeeeeeeeettt?

I'm waiiiit-tiiinnng!!!

Holy hell.