Tuesday, September 2, 2008

My Apologies

It's been a while. I know.

Since I came back from my vacation (three weeks is it now?), I have been in the dumps. I'm not sure why. Well, I am kinda sure why I just don't feel like writing about it. Funny, I agree. Since I usually feel like writing about it.

I have been a horrific blog citizen and haven't read anyone's blogs in forever. I am sorry about that too.

Thank you for checking up on me. I really appreciate that.

Fa is starting her last year of pre-school and she is way ready for kindergarten already. Damn cut off dates. I am melancholy that the summer is over and life will get hectic again. I miss my little girl terribly. She is so big now. It hurts to watch her grow these days.

She is terribly clumsy and falls over her own two feet. (and air). Her body is way too big for her brain. And her attitude is way to old for her little body. But she has turned into a sweet, caring, considerate little lady this summer. She is concerned for others feelings, she is kind and meaningful in her relations with others. She is such a joy to know. I love this age. She picked me flowers yesterday because she thought they would cheer me up. (She thought I was mad at her!) I really can't be mad at her these days.

She starts soccer this weekend. She's learned to swim like a fish and will continue swimming through the fall. She's not sure what she likes better, gymnastics or dance and she is not sure which activity to choose between for the fall. As her mother I want to give her everything, but that's just not possible with scheduling and finances. So I am FORCING her to choose. Bad mommy.

Where did this little lady come from? And where have I gone?

I'm feeling very insecure these days. Not feeling like I am showing her my best side. Not being, I guess you could call it, the "supermom" that I want to be for her. I am lazy, scared and unsure of myself and I feel that she doesn't have the best role model to learn from. Being a stay at home mom can sure rake you of your confidence and talents. I feel like I have faded into the background of life and I can't even hold up my end of any conversation without glazing over. It's difficult.

I have had not one real adult conversation without a child being the main topic all summer and my head feels like it's going to explode. The Pro has been working extra hard and leaving me to deal with most of the parenting responsibilities and I can't blame him. We have taken on these roles in order for Fa and our lives to run as smoothly as possible. But I am feeling left behind. I am feeling like a stranger in a strange land who doesn't speak the language and is having trouble finding the hotel. All I keep repeating is: "Donde esta el quarto de bano?" And I am getting strange looks from all angles.

I don't know how to break free.

Don't get me wrong. I have had a wonderful summer. Filled with activities and games. Swimming and playing and playdates.

For Fa.

Fa and I have been inseparable sinnce June. 24 hours a day. 

I have not done a thing for myself all summer. I have not been alone all summer. Give or take a few minutes when The Pro takes Fa to the park or to dinner. I wake up to Fa, I go to sleep to Fa. And I love her to death.

And I am starting to feel it.

I sound like I'm complaining.

I'm not.

I'm just lost.

Everyone needs some rejuving time. Time to catch up and reflect on what's been going on. I have not done that. Yet.

I need to do that soon. I wish I could just take a day and go to the beach and watch the sun set onto the waves and not worry about Fa running into the water and having to chase after her.

How do you do it?

How do you rejuvinate your spirit without feeling guilty for wanting five minutes to yoruself?


  1. I take the five minutes!!

    Sometimes and hour, sometimes three, sometimes an afternoon. You need time alone to rejuvenate and rediscover who you are outside of mom. I am fortunate that I have family that takes the kids for a night or weekend. I have that this weekend in fact and I am, dare I say it, EXCITED about my time alone.

    It doesn't make you a bad mom to want a break. It makes you a GREAT mom to know that you need one!


  2. I could have written along these lines myself - it is so easy to get lost - and wonder who you are anymore? I've been thinking of blogging it too, but struggle even to articulate it so that it makes sense for anyone else. You have done a fine job.

    For now, my escape in blogging - mine and reading others is my little 'selfish' thing to do - and I don't feel guilty about it anymore.

    I'm also planning a haircut soon - and a pedicure - small things - but big things really.

    Nice to see you back - you were missed!

  3. We've all been there....

    For me, I always have the First Day of School Pedicure. Nice treat. :) But the rest of the time I have my music.

    It does get a little easier to carve out that time when they are older, but in the meantime, you need to take care of it. How many days is she in preschool? When my younger one was in four days per week, I always made one of those days MY DAY. No errands, just a relaxing few hours. And it really made a difference.

    Hang in there, and glad to see you back!

  4. Glad you had such a busy and fun filled summer. I think there are a LOT of Moms feeling the same way as you are right now (myself included). I haven't been around in bloggerland this summer because I have been fighting off my demons. I will stop back in again soon to see how you are making out. Remember to give yourself a break...everyone needs a little time to themselves.

  5. Wow ... you are like so NORMAL! The end of summer I think will always and forever (well as long as they are home for summer) feel this way. Elated, happy and exhausted and drained. This is Motherhood.

    I run. That is the me time I need. Before running I took off every Sunday morning to knit with a friend. You need to find your YOU thing. Something you do not WILL not share with anyone. Yoga, joins a dance class, art, whatever floats your boat! DO IT!

    You have been missed. I am glad you had such a great summer!

  6. I get this way too sometimes. I spend so much time with the kids that I feel like if I take time to do something for me I'm somehow letting them down. Perhaps it's because we want them to need us so we do everything we possibly can and then when we do take the much needed and deserved break we wonder why everything didn't fall apart in our absense.

    I dropped my baby off at kindergarten this morning and i feel so...alone and unneeded right now. Like I've just lost a really great job or something. I've got all that time I've complained about in the past, and I just want them home to drive me nuts.

  7. Being a stay at home mom for over 16 years now, I know exactly how you feel. You are definitely not alone.

    Just "try" to make a point to do something nice for yourself each day...Whether it be reading a chapter of a good book, a good blog, or painting your toenails, just something for you. Ultimately, obviously, it is nice when you can go to Starbucks by yourself with a good book , or go to see a girly movie with friends, but practically speaking, that's not always possible. So it's important to do small things that lift your spirits each day. Light a nice smelling candle while watching an old teevee rerun that you like (I do that a lot!). I know these are just suggestions, but some of them have helped me through the rough days. We all have them, friend. And you are a wonderful mother....Your love for Fa shows in every post you write.

    God Bless,

  8. A good, long, hot shower does wonders for me. That or a run. It doesn't sound like much but I just don't get a lot of time so I take what I can get. I know you know what I'm talking about. ;)

  9. honey, you owe it to fa to take the five minutes.

    that is not being selfish, it is staying sane. and a saner mommy is a happier mommy. and a happier mommy is a happier fa.

  10. Oh My sistah in muthahood! I agree with every other person that commented. I feel ya girl, I know exactly how you feel, before I went back to work, I felt like I was on the merry-go-round from hell. The world was going on with their daily goings on and I was spinning out of control! I felt like I had no voice at least one that would be loud enuf to hear me. Where do I fit in? Does anyone care? All I knew was that I was MIles' mommy and that was it.
    Now that I work, I'm not Miles' mommy, I'm Melanie the Center Director of Brightside Academy beeotch :) Don't get me wrong, I hate it but it allows me to be me.

    I agree with Chelle and Lilltl Bill, you need to find your thiiiiiiiiiing! Ceramics/pottery or how about Writing a book of Haiku cuz ya hilarious. get it self published , hell I'd buy it! Yo shi? is funny!

    Lub U sistah!

  11. You need to get out of the house and find something, anything, for YOU now that Fa's in school.

    And as for her? It sounds like she's learning well from her mom.

  12. you owe it to YOU to take way more than 5 minutes. If I could, I'd jump my ass on a plane and make you take a day or two for YOU.

    Or, I'd find someone to help w/ Fa and you and I'd go do somethin fun. Which would involve me being the designated driver. :)


    Email me if you need. k? Promise?

  13. Sorry you;re not up to speed. Get better soon okay, and write me some funny shit.

  14. Hey, my husband heard the other day on NPR that being a Mom actually makes you smarter! Now, if weren't so tired we might actually be able to do something with that smart... :)

  15. I don't think that I have EVER read a post and felt the EXACT same way before. Ever. We have been on the run all summer- I work full time and have all the parenting responsibilites to myself 95% of the time. I feel ya. I know exactly what you are going through. And I have not figured out how to really feel better. So if you find a great way- Don't be afraid to share it! Hope you feel better soon...

  16. Ilike to take a quiet bath with candles and soft music. My kids are older now, but back when they were little and I was a single mom, this worked wonders.
    Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself. You need it every now and then.

  17. I'd be more worried about you if you didn't want five minutes for yourself.

  18. *hugs*

    With Fa going back to school, that sounds like the perfect time for rejuvenation. Make every effort to see that sunset and not feel guilty. Easier said than done, I know.

    I used to feel so bad for wanting time for myself, especially when the boys were younger. But I finally saw that I was a better, more relaxed parent and able to more easily deal with stresses when I did take time for myself.

    It's good to see you back!

  19. Sorry I've been out of pocket. The Great Flea Invasion of 2008 is still kicking our butts.
    I do theatre. One production a year is usually enough to get my ham out of the way and I can settle back into being the chauffeur/sherpa for the Queen and her punching bag, DeBoy. But then, I've never had a job/career that I enjoyed or felt like I belonged in, so I don't miss the daily working for a living. (Except the money part, but based on the salary at my last job, I wouldn't have any left once I paid for daycare. They call it non-profit for a reason.)


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