It's been a while. I know.
Since I came back from my vacation (three weeks is it now?), I have been in the dumps. I'm not sure why. Well, I am kinda sure why I just don't feel like writing about it. Funny, I agree. Since I usually feel like writing about it.
I have been a horrific blog citizen and haven't read anyone's blogs in forever. I am sorry about that too.
Thank you for checking up on me. I really appreciate that.
Fa is starting her last year of pre-school and she is way ready for kindergarten already. Damn cut off dates. I am melancholy that the summer is over and life will get hectic again. I miss my little girl terribly. She is so big now. It hurts to watch her grow these days.
She is terribly clumsy and falls over her own two feet. (and air). Her body is way too big for her brain. And her attitude is way to old for her little body. But she has turned into a sweet, caring, considerate little lady this summer. She is concerned for others feelings, she is kind and meaningful in her relations with others. She is such a joy to know. I love this age. She picked me flowers yesterday because she thought they would cheer me up. (She thought I was mad at her!) I really can't be mad at her these days.
She starts soccer this weekend. She's learned to swim like a fish and will continue swimming through the fall. She's not sure what she likes better, gymnastics or dance and she is not sure which activity to choose between for the fall. As her mother I want to give her everything, but that's just not possible with scheduling and finances. So I am FORCING her to choose. Bad mommy.
Where did this little lady come from? And where have I gone?
I'm feeling very insecure these days. Not feeling like I am showing her my best side. Not being, I guess you could call it, the "supermom" that I want to be for her. I am lazy, scared and unsure of myself and I feel that she doesn't have the best role model to learn from. Being a stay at home mom can sure rake you of your confidence and talents. I feel like I have faded into the background of life and I can't even hold up my end of any conversation without glazing over. It's difficult.
I have had not one real adult conversation without a child being the main topic all summer and my head feels like it's going to explode. The Pro has been working extra hard and leaving me to deal with most of the parenting responsibilities and I can't blame him. We have taken on these roles in order for Fa and our lives to run as smoothly as possible. But I am feeling left behind. I am feeling like a stranger in a strange land who doesn't speak the language and is having trouble finding the hotel. All I keep repeating is: "Donde esta el quarto de bano?" And I am getting strange looks from all angles.
I don't know how to break free.
Don't get me wrong. I have had a wonderful summer. Filled with activities and games. Swimming and playing and playdates.
Fa and I have been inseparable sinnce June. 24 hours a day.
I have not done a thing for myself all summer. I have not been alone all summer. Give or take a few minutes when The Pro takes Fa to the park or to dinner. I wake up to Fa, I go to sleep to Fa. And I love her to death.
And I am starting to feel it.
I sound like I'm complaining.
I'm just lost.
Everyone needs some rejuving time. Time to catch up and reflect on what's been going on. I have not done that. Yet.
I need to do that soon. I wish I could just take a day and go to the beach and watch the sun set onto the waves and not worry about Fa running into the water and having to chase after her.
How do you do it?
How do you rejuvinate your spirit without feeling guilty for wanting five minutes to yoruself?