Who? Me? *a rant*

I have a 6 year old.

How did that happen?

Where did it all go?

She is loving kindergarten. I am hating work.

She has friends and fun and enjoys playing with the babysitter. She enjoys the after school program.

I am missing it all.

Work sucks. (How true)

I hate it. I feel guilty that my students have a teacher that truly doesn't care. I hate being their teacher. I hate working. It takes me away from being a mommy.

I hate not being there for her when she gets out of school. I hate not being able to take her to school in the morning.

Why can't I get it right?

No matter what happens, I'm complaining.

2009 sucked.

2010 doesn't promise to be any better.

When do I stop wishing it all away? ... Only to be wishing it right back again after I've realized what I've missed.

When will I learn?

I am so proud of my daughter for rockin' kindergarten from day one. She worries about me. She asks how my students were...every day. She wonders if I am doing okay.

I am making her crazy with worry about me.

How terrible.

But do I change. Of course not. I'm not happy unless I'm miserable.

I'm writing every word down for my daughter so she one day will understand. She reads now.

She's capable of reading this blog. But she in so NOT capable of understanding. Yet.

One day.

She'll understand.

Then will it all make sense? To me?

Free Wheelin'

I'm trying to teach my daughter how to ride a two wheeler. It seems like just yesterday we took out her tricycle and she didn't know how to pedal it.

This is very difficult for me since I have major issues with "letting go". And that is just what you have to do to the bicycle seat once she gathers her balance and energy and pedals off...

She is a whiz at the bike with training wheels. I admire her for just jumping into anything that she loves to do. (Biking, swimming, reading, anything that comes easy for her, she loves...if she has to struggle just a tad...forget it though.)

This weekend I took off ONE training wheel. She's now trying to balance on three wheels. Well, two with a little help.

She's getting it. She can balance for quite a while without the one training wheel hitting the ground.

I watch her in the schoolyard pedalling around and finding her balance atop that bike and I am in awe.

I think by the end of the week she'll be two wheelin' it. If we practice every day.

Thing is, I'm finding it very hard to relax and enjoy the moment. (Once again.)

I can't let go.

I have theses issues with many 'mother-daughter' concepts. Bike riding just magnifies my deal.

Watching her riding that bike with the threat of falling reminds me of all of the crap she'll have to face in her little life. All the falls she'll endure. All the broken pieces she'll have to put back together again for herself.

How do I just watch her from afar? How do I let her fall yet still be strong to help her back up without my heart bleeding all over the place? How will I help her get through? How do I do all this without her seeing how weak I really am?

I watch her riding that bike and I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "NO! Come back! Stay here next to me where you are safe!" But I know that I can't. I know stifling her will only hurt her more than a scraped knee or a broken heart ever will.

But my heart. It hurts so much. Letting go.

Then there's 4 more weeks until school starts. Real school with homework and class bullies. And my class with grades and parent teacher conferences to hold. I'm losing her a little every day as it is...Biking is just one other way.

She's going to HAVE to be more and more independent. I'm going to HAVE to be farther and farther away. I don't think my poor heart will be able to handle it.

I feel her slipping. In her attitude and impatience with me. I hear myself nagging and I hate the sound of my own voice. I can imagine how she hears me. I'm losing her. I'm losing my baby. That little girl I couldn't bond with when she was born. That infant I was waiting to get picked up by her real parents...I couldn't deal with her. I wanted sometimes to be rid of her.

Now I'm losing her little by little and my heart. Aches. Why did I let myself be so sad in the beginning? Why did I wish away the time? How did I ever doubt my feelings for her?

Because I see us now and I am sad. I want that time back. I want that baby back.

But I can't have that baby back. I can just try to relax and enjoy this little girl that is raring to pedal off into the sunset. Because she does always come back to me at the end.

And I can envelope her into my hug and tell her how proud I am of her. Even if my heart is aching on the inside for that baby that is no more. I know the mistakes I've already made as her mother and will continue to make. I understand that we are not perfect and we both will fall and get back up again. I can be strong for her because that is what she needs from me.

Oh, but my heart does ache for that little girl on that bicycle.

FaceTimeSuck

Facebook.

I can't quit you.

I have a blogging account. I have a personal account.

I am addicted to the latter.

On the upside, I have reconnected with some really cool people from my past that I have truly missed. I have gathered them under my wing and let them know how sorry I am for losing them in the first place. I have made great efforts to keep them close.

It is nice to catch up.

However, why do the people I DON'T want to befriend hound me?

I've ignored your request to play wordscramble once. How many times do I have to ignore you before I have to block you totally?

I love seeing friend's pictures. I love reading their updates.

But I have a life, no?

How do I incorporate real life into facelife?

This is the dilemma?

How will I continue the love affair once work starts up again? The major dilemma.

I can't lose those people all over again. Really.

How do you mange your internets and your reality?

What to do? What to do?

I woke up this morning at 8am.

F woke me up actually. With hugs and kisses and a nice warm cuddle. Heaven.

Then, I realized with a slight fear in my heart.

I have nothing to do today.

I have a 5.5 year old here. Asking, "What are we doing today?"

What the?

I think we may go bike riding. We may go to the park. Maybe even walk the dog. Maybe we'll have a playdate later.

We may go see a friend's new home.

Okay. This is shaping up to be a nice day.

I need to savor this moment. It won't last forever. I know that.

Have a good day.

I have no excuse.

My suckage is magnified. I miss you all. I really do.

My Google Reader was just opened (since March) and I felt like I was home.

Facebook has taken over. Life has taken over. Time refuses to stand still for me.

But I just read a post from my dear friend Margaret that prompted me to say. I miss you all...

Who know's if anyone will ever realize that I posted something? I hope some of you do. If not.

Just know I am still here...Still breathing, sometimes hyperventilating.

My daughter starts Kindergarten in September. And I am going back to work the exact same day as her. I am dreading this new phase in our lives. I have so much guilt and regret for certain things this past year and I feel unable to change things at this point. So work it is. For now.

So. I will need a venting place. This will be it. I hope you are all still along for the ride. I would hate it if you weren't.

Yesterday was my 8th wedding anniversary. And there are some days that I can't believe we are still married then there are most other times when I realize I really can't live without him. How have I fallen so hard? I dunno. But I am grateful for his presence.

Summer is almost over. I have so much to do for the fall. School supplies for her have been purchased. For me, not so much. I am stalling. I don't want to go back.

I lie. I would like to want to go back. I am looking forward to the company of adults and using my brain again. I miss teaching.

But I am afraid I'll be missing so much of my little girl's first school year. I can't let that happen. Any suggestions? Help.

Well, off to swim class now, then a playdate. I am truly busy. But you are all on my mind. Daily.