Hookey Schmookey

We were planning to play hookey tomorrow.

Me and my girl.

But as Marsha Brady once said, "Something suddenly came up."

The kid doesn't want to miss school.

What she said: There's a "really special assembly tomorrow and I really don't want to miss it."
What I heard: "Mom, you suck. I'd rather spend time at the mill than be with you."

I know that's not what she meant.

But dammit if I wasn't looking forward to the day off.

And really? MY KID WANTS to go to SCHOOL? Have I not taught ANYthing?

I've failed as a parent.

Go Girl

My daughter kicked ass on the basket ball court today.

I'm so proud.

From a shy, little girl with OT issues, she's grown into a self confident and athletic brainiac.

What?

She's dribbling, shooting, scoring, passing, rebounding and working that court like she was born there. How did that happen?

Loving Life At All Times

My daughter totally rocks. I am so lucky to be her mom. I can't believe that after all those "new mom" difficulties, I'm raising a fantastic little person.

Happy Saturday everyone...

Bucket Wha?

Am I supposed to have a bucket list?
All the things I want to do/accomplish before I'm 40?

I don't have one.

I don't even have a bucket item.

I'm just perfectly fine in my suburban life. My daughter. My husband. My cat. My home. My (feh.) Job.

What more can I ask for?

I've lost so much in my life. I'm finally content where I am. Why do I need a bucket list?

I don't want to travel.

I don't want to meet anyone famous. (Except Russel Brand and maybe Johnny Depp)

I don't want to DO anything in particular. (Except Russel Brand and maybe Johnny Depp)

I'm perfectly fine.

Why ruin a good thing?

I have one more year until I'm 40. One more year to potentially create a bucket list. I love lists why haven't I created one before?

Any suggestions? Do you have a bucket list?

I'm Off

No really, I'm off.

From work.

For a whole 5 days. + the weekends. Do they count?

I want to accomplish so much. I will get to do nothing. I'll sit. I'll veg. I'll do the laundry. The piles are deafening.

I'm off my rocker too.

So much in my head.

My daughter thinks I'm looney. In a good way. I think.

She laughs very hard at me. Most of the time. In a good way. I think.

This week, I plan to do a lot to entertain her. Ice skating. Roller skating. The mall. Wait. That one's for me. I will try my hardest not to be a lazy ass.

My nature is to be a lazy ass. My nurture says otherwise.

So this week. My winter break. I will entertain my daughter. Myself, and maybe even my husband. (If he's lucky.)
Prolly not.

My plans will be conquered. My goals will be met. Wait. I have work to do too. Will I do it? Nope. My bag will remain in my car the entire week. Then Monday I will drive to work staring at the bag. Wishing I would have been a tiny bit motivated.

Oh well. I'm only doing my best. My best may not be good enough. But it's MY best. Not anyone elses.

I'm off.

Why can't I just be a lazy ass anyway?

SE7EN

It's begun.

The horror movie of motherhood.

The Se7en year itch.

One minute I'm the best thing that has ever happened to her, the next, she wants to put my severed head in a cardboard box and mail it to my husband.

What the?

How did this little, easy going lady turn into an academy award winning drama queen?

Is it the year? Really? I wanna know. Is it because she's more aware of the world around her than ever before and let's face it. It's scary. Is it the fact that I am still treating her like a baby? (But she IS a baby!) Does she want to be treated like a "big girl" and how exactly do those things get treated anyhow?

I am at a total loss.

Can you tell?

All I know is I am savoring those moments when she says to me, "Mommy, I don't know what I would do without you in my life!"

Because the next minute she's screaming, "YOU WISH I WAS DEAD! I'LL KILL MYSELF SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME ANYMORE!!!!!" (That's when her head starts spinning and she's cursing me and Jesus and all that is holy.) I'm not kidding.

Those loving moments are still many. Yet, those horror movie dramas are also pretty prevalent in our lives right now. I'll take the good with the bad gladly. But some light shed on the subject of horror movies would benefit everyone in the household. No?

We had a wonderful 7th birthday celebration. It was an "everything I ever wanted in my whole life" kinda celebration. I got much praise for the party, the guests, the food choices...I was a rockstar.

Rock on!

Then, New Year's Eve came rolling around and we rang in the new year at exactly 11:46pm with a knock down, WWE, super tap out cage match. I was devastated that we brought in 2011 with such a scene. Of course, I blame myself. I blame my lack of patience, my lack of motherhood know-how, my lack of a mother to help me out with this crap...And I get down on myself.

But one thing I've learned while 7 crept up behind us...It's not all my fault. Sometimes she's just not gonna get her way, or be happy 24/7, or even accept everything I say as law anymore. Isn't that what growing up is all about. Feeling your oats at 7? Feeling your oats while your daughter feels her oats at motherhood?

I accept the things I can not change. I'm courageous enough to change the things I can. And I have some wisdom to know the difference between the two. I've come a LONG way baby!

I just hope the 7 year old doen't plan on decapitating my in my sleep.

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;...

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Summa Time Revelation

It's summer.

It's the BEST summer ever.

I got through a year of teaching after 6 years off. I made it. I did it.

Never thought I would.

Just ask the Provider. He'd have bet I would have given up after 3 days. I didn't.

It's been a long time since I've last blogged. Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned.
But I've been a bit busy. My apologies. I miss you though, dear blogger. I miss you terribly. I have so much to tell you but I just don't know where to begin. Work was TOUGH. The Litigator ROCKED kindergarten. She already can't wait for 1st grade. I can. My baby is growing up before my eyes. I have no control.

That's the one thing I've learned this year. I have no control. I let go. (A little)... I'm trying, I swear.

Having to be at work every day has given me the opportunity to let The Litigator be. She has HAD to become more and more independent and she has been a trooper. She loves school, loves her friends, loves the play-dates she goes on...in SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR. Loves that she can go to the afterschool program or be picked up by a friend or family member...or babysitter. And I have to let it happen.

It hurts. To let that happen. It hurts in my chest like fire. It makes me want to rip my skin off and give by aching chest some relief. But I let it happen. I have to.

And I've discovered that she CAN be her own person and still come home to me (and NEED me). She loves to see me at the end of the day. We can bond in a different way now. We can talk about her day and I can talk about mine. Every time I pick her up from afterschool, do you know what she asks? She asks, "Mom, how were your 5th graders today?"...She asked me that every single day after school. How much did she want me to have a good day? Oh, she wanted so much for me to have a good day like she had. She has such a heart. She cares like nothing I've ever seen before. If I could only be like her.

My daughter is closer to 7 than 6 now. She's a big girl. She's loving and smart and caring and gives the world's greatest hugs. I am so happy that she is thriving. I am so lucky that I have her in my life. I can't believe how we get along and how we are a true team. I am her mother and I have to be strong for her. It makes her strong. It gives her confidence that everything is gonna be alright. I have to give her that, even if I don't believe it.

Would I rather be home waiting for her, just in case...? YES. Can I be? No. Do I have to make the best of a crappy, unwanted situation? Yes. Am I? I'm trying.

So yes, this is the best summer ever. This is the summer of my motherly awakening. The summer that I can truly appreciate being a mother and a person with a - dare I say, LIFE? This is the summer that I see my daughter becoming a real person. A smart person, a giving person, a loving person. AN INDEPENDENT person.

And I am so proud of her. I am so proud of me. I am so very, very proud of US.

What to do? What to do?

I woke up this morning at 8am.

F woke me up actually. With hugs and kisses and a nice warm cuddle. Heaven.

Then, I realized with a slight fear in my heart.

I have nothing to do today.

I have a 5.5 year old here. Asking, "What are we doing today?"

What the?

I think we may go bike riding. We may go to the park. Maybe even walk the dog. Maybe we'll have a playdate later.

We may go see a friend's new home.

Okay. This is shaping up to be a nice day.

I need to savor this moment. It won't last forever. I know that.

Have a good day.

Gimme a Break

Ya know, some people need re"ass"urance and some just know you're there.
Some people get mad when you don't call them every day and some just don't care.

Needy people piss me off. I have no time patience to be coddling you.
I wish I could do what you want, but I have more important things to do.

Don't take it personally when I don't call you right back.
Sometimes I just don't feel like talking, but I'll get back on track.

If you are disappointed by not hearing from me, I understand.
But don't be mad at me for not holding your hand.

I wish I could make you happy but that is not my job.
You need to do that for yourself don't make me feel like a slob.

This was initially a rant that I felt needed to be aired.
Turned into a poem, who knew I was so damn prepared.

:)
Consider this my St. Paddy's Day Limerick for ya.

December 20th

I can't believe I have a five year old daughter.

It seems like just yesterday she was born.

Now, I'm filling out the paperwork for kindergarten.

How fast does it go, really?

It's been over a month since I've put words to posts here at this blog, and it feels like I was just here yesterday. I miss you all.

In coming back, I find that one very good blogging friend is expecting her third child.

And...

My other very good blogging friend Margaret had a baby on the 17th. I've heard all about her journey from the day she found out she was having this beautiful boy, through some trying and scary stuff and now he's here.

I have hardly any advice for her. Just enjoy each and every moment like it is your last.

I spent the first 3 and a half years wishing my daughter would be old enough to understand. Wishing that the infant would stop crying. Wishing she would grow up. Now, she understands more than I thought possible and I feel I've lost some precious moments in my urge to rush.

She is very excited to be five. But in that excitement and maturity comes understanding. And she says she will miss having someone to "take care" of her. (Like I would ever stop doing that.) She says she worries that I will go to heaven like my mother did to me and she will be a young child, Motherless.

She is way to young to be worried about that stuff. And I have made her worry.

Yes, I have been honest with her about everything and told her all I can regarding her questions about life and love and loss. But she is smart. She puts stuff together that most 5 year olds don't. And I am left once again with guilt.

I know she is just starting to understand and it will all come clear to her one day. But my heart. It hurts for her. Her innocence lost. The time I rushed. The time wasted by wishing it away. Time WE will not get back.

Now here she is. Five. Ready to start her journey of independence. Questioning her role, but loving life. I see me in her. I see myself in her a lot. In the way she looks. Her actions. Her words.

And I want to instill in her the power to trust herself. I am still learning that. I hope we can learn together.

I asked her what her favorite part about being four was. She said she liked when I helped her clean her room. What kid says that?

I asked her what she was looking forward to at five. She wants to be a veterinarian. I love that about her. Time is no concept. And she is confident that whatever she wants she will get. It will not be given to her per se, but she will get it on her own.

She is confident. I love that. That helps her to forgive. Because she knows she is loved. And all you need is love.

I could have a total screaming fit at her for something so silly and in a moment, she has forgotten my madness. Time. Heals all wounds. For some faster than others. For her in an instant. For me, a little longer.

However, this time I have learned. Not to rush anything. And I am enjoying each and every moment of five that I can. I'll never have it again.

I will take this time to savor each flavor of five. The bad times and the overwhelming good times. The tears and the belly laughs.

I am so lucky to have this little girl in my life and I will not let that get passed me. Ever.

So today, I share five with all of you. I hope as a gift to my daughter, you take this moment to hug your children no matter how old. Or how young. Hug your parents, hug your partner, hug yourself.

Understand that time doesn't stop. Time will pass as our lives pass in the blink of an eye. Don't rush it and enjoy it. Envelop your time and keep your time precious in the folds of your soul. It's all we have. Time and Love.

Savor it.

All my love chelle...

I love you all.

Margaret, my dear friend enjoy this time. I wish I could be there to hug you.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl. You are my most precious gift. I'm sorry I will hug you too much today. But you will understand one day. I promise.

What hiatus?

So, after the meeting with the friend after seven years?

Yeah, after about an hour...it was like we saw each other last week. Not seven years ago.

The kids got along great, the moms chatted and caught up. We had lunch.

I found out that when you are showing off at two, you're adorable and when you are showing off at almost five...not so much.

We really did have fun. Her family is good, we shared pictures and happenings.

We planned to see each other next week again. It was nice.

Turns out she's not all that far from me so get-together's are not only possible but totally easy to do.

So yeah, so far so good. Forgive me for being guarded but this is still new here and I really don't know what to expect. It all happened so fast. One minute she's gone for good, the next I'm on her couch eating a bagel...She knows more about me from the past than anyone other than K (who moved far, far away) So it's nice to reconnect to that. I know more about her the same way. So having her back in my life would really be a treat for me. Especially since you are all aware of my IRL friend situation, or lack thereof...

I harbor no hard feelings toward her, it seems she feels the same. I look forward to catching up. But you know me...Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As of right now, I am grateful for the reunion that we had. I look forward to other shared moments. I hope that we can remain friends and share the rest of our lives together.

I am happy we found each other again and I am happy it feels like 'old times' all over again.

But I would not be all that surprised if it just for some reason, didn't work out. Ya know?

I'll keep you all posted. Promise.

Now THAT was a tantrum!

Oh I dunno, about two hours filled with screaming and yelling and crying.

Yeah, that was our Sunday night. And no it wasn't me.

It was her.

Door slamming, room confinement, "I'm gonna die in here" threats.

It was So. Much. Fun.

Cursing. Oh the cursing. (Now, that was me.)

I gave up. I did my best and I tried to keep calm with her yelling and him getting more mad by the second.

She was tired, we were tired.

I yelled at him, he cursed at me.

I made him deal with it the rest of the way through.

And ya know what?

He calmed her down, showered her and got her ready for bed. When she finally got to me again. She was weepy but calmer.

I should give up more often.

I learned my lesson.

And all for what?

We had a great day! A great weekend!

She played soccer. Pretty good too, may I add.

Her cousins came to cheer her on.

They ate ice cream and played in the basement.

The basement.

Unsupervised.

Uhm hum....That's how it happened.

She's the only child.

Three older cousins...2 sisters, one close enough sister. Her, the baby. Alone. Tired. Dirty. Cranky.

One of her chalk board drawings, "My most beautiful picture...EVER!" got accidentally erased. (I'm not so sure how accidentally, truthfully.)

Oh! The horror!

Now, I'm not trying to stick up for my only child or anything. I know she can be a little *ahem* dramatically challenged. But, she has never thrown that kinda fit over something that trivial before.

Or has she?

Maybe?

Maybe.

Okay, yes.

She has.

Over something quite similar actually. Not the chalk board, the magic magnet board. And it wasn't family she sent out with threats of hatred and evil screams. It was her best friend. And everyone cried that time too.

You see, she hates to throw ANYthing out. And when she saves something...she saves it.

Especially stuff that is supposed to be 'changed' when the mood strikes. DON'T you dare touch it, or all hell will break loose.

Drawn, originally July '07

Accidentally 'altered', Sept. '08

So, when I heard the piercing screams from my livingroom, you can only imagine what I initially thought?

So, you can also understand why I was skeptical about it being an 'accident'...until I processed the situation. This morning. While I was typing this post.

So, can you see why I let him handle it?

So, Yeah. Now THAT was a tantrum.

It's Way Too Soon

I can't even TRY to change the subject.

She won't let me get away with this much longer.

Avoidance and plain talk doesn't fly with this kid.

She wants answers. Answers to questions that her little mind can't possiby compute.

Answers that will for sure cause a raucus in her innocent little mind and not translate very well to her preschool friends.

How do I explain how she was made?

How does "We wanted a baby and mommy and daddy made you" become not good enough for an almost 5 year old?

How do I explain that she's not adopted (where the hell does she learn this?) and that she is ours, made from us?

How do I explain why she was in my belly and how she got there and how she got out?

'Cause lemme tell ya, she ain't havin' the short version for much longer people.

It is way too soon for this, dear me.

Today

I hope wherever you are, you are in peace.

Mom's Don't Leave (2)

We're schnuggling in bed again.

A year later.

Except this time Fa comes right out with it. No more beating around the bush.

Fa: "Do you miss your mom?"

Oh god, don't cry J, don't cry...

Me: "Yes, baby I do miss her terribly."

F: "Where is she? What happened to her?"

M: "Well baby, my mommy was very sick, too sick for her body to keep her here with me and well baby, she died."

What the hell DO I say? This kid knows about death now. Her fish died a few months ago.

M: "Remember when Goldie died?"

F: "Yeah, and we flushed her down the toilet?"

M: "Well, that's what happens when you are very, very old or very sick. But we don't flush people down the toilet."

F: "Do you miss her? Why can't I see her? Why can't I meet her? Will you get sick? What if you die? Will I die? Will Daddy Die?"

How does she do that? How does she ask these thoughtful questions?

M: "Baby, death is a part of life and when we get very, very, very, very old. SO old we won't be able to dance anymore, then our bodies stop working because they can't take care of us anymore, and we die."

F: "How old were you when your mom died?"

Holy shit!

M: "Well baby, my mom died when I was pretty young. I was a teenager...way older than you are now. But remember, she was very sick. And I had my daddy, (Papa) and Auntie and other family and friends to take care of me when that happened."

F: "What will I do when you die? Where will you go when you die? Why can't I see your mom? I won't see you either!"

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck.

M: "Honey, you are stuck with me forever! I'm sticking around here until I'm all old, and wrinkly and mean and nasty because I don't like being old and wrinkly. You think I'm cranky NOW? I'm gonna be so annoying to you that you'll be trying to run away from me, I'll be so old. And I'll be screaming after you in my electric wheel chair telling you to come and change my diaper."

You see, humor saves everything in my head.

M: (Watching her crack a smile) "And you know, my mommy is tucked deep in my heart and I have her with me all the time now. Even when I miss her most and I can't see her. I know she is in my heart and keeping me safe and happy. Because she will ALWAYS be with me, even if she isn't here to talk to."

F: "So since you are already in my heart, you'll stay there forever?"

Damn, she's good.

M: "Yes baby! You know when we kiss each other we always say we'll keep it in our hearts forever? Well, think about all the smooching we do, our hearts are already filled up with kisses and love...think about that." (As I proceed to kiss her all over her face and shoulders and just practically smothering her with kisses...so she will laugh and change the fricken' subject already.) "See, all that love? It will be with you forever."

F: "I'll be your mom, I'll take care of you?"

GOD DAMN, this kid is awesome.

M: "Thank you so much sweet, sweet baby! But I don't want you to be my mom. I want you to be my baby girl so I can keep being your mommy and love you and take care of you as long as you need me. Remember, I have a mommy we just can't see her. But we can talk to her and talk about her whenever you want to. I love talking about my mom, especially with you."

That pretty much ended that conversation. She seemed content with all that I told her and didn't freak out like the last time.

So I kissed her goodnight one more time, so proud that I held it together to maintain calm and cool while touching upon something that is still so raw in my chest all these years later.

But I'll do anything for this child. Even if its ripping my own heart to shreds.

Then, I went into the bathroom and proceeded to cry for a half hour.

Mom's Don't Leave (1)

(This was originally posted on my very first blog in May of 2007 (that I can't link to)...but I have more to add now. So I'll start you off here....)

How do I convince my daughter of that when I am living proof that indeed some moms leave?

Schnuggling before a nap recently, she asked me if I loved my Mommy and Daddy. (Red flags raised..she never mentions my Mom even when I talk about her) Of course, I said yes. She continued to ask, "Who's your Daddy?" (She knows full well the answer to this since we play this game often enough) "Papa" I answered with a smile. Then, she asked a question that I knew was coming but it still totally threw me for a loop.

"Who's your Mommy?"

"Well, my Mommy is 'Bunny'." I replied stiffly, waiting for her next question that was inevitably coming.

"Where is Bunny? My grandma?"

Here we go....

In my head I'm screaming, "I'm not ready for this" repeatedly...over an over. "She's only 3 years and 5 months old! 41 months! How has this concept entered her head so soon? How do I answer her?" "She may not be too young to ask the questions but she is too young to comprehend the answers..."

I began to tell her that Bunny, her grandma, my Mommy is in Heaven. (A concept I'm not too sure of myself...but I was thrown and caught off guard.)

She asked me if I missed her and again, if I loved her and was I sad that she was not here?

How the hell does she do this?

I told her I do miss my Mommy terribly because she isn't here with me and I love her and I wish she was still here with us. I told her I was sad because she never got to meet her and I just know she would love her... the conversation went on for a few more minutes before Fa told me "Not to worry because I'll make you feel better!" She said it to me. To my face. 3.5 years old. She even punctuated it with strong, neck-hugs! I am floored!

Then, she wouldn't let me leave her. She screamed bloody murder like I died a thousand deaths right in front of her, "Papa, Bunny, Mamma...Don't leave me!" "I'm scared you'll leave me!" "Mamma come back, don't leave me alone!"

Heartbreak.

Sheer shattered chest muscle.

You're not breathing, JJ. Breathe.

As I sat there rocking her close to my chest trying my damndest not to smother her with my kisses and trying even harder to convince her that I would never leave her and I will be her mommy forever...I felt guilty.

What if I do leave her?

What if I make her a motherless daughter?

I'm lying to her face.

How will she forgive me for telling her moms don't leave? When they do.

She is too young to be worried about this. She is too smart to not figure it out. She is too sensitive to forget this conversation any time soon.

I am sad that I have left her a legacy of loss and fear of being left alone by mother.

How could I do this to her?

How do I help her understand?

How do I rest her fears?

...Assure her that I am here for her...until she is older and better able to understand...that moms may leave this earth, but they can never be taken from your heart.

Rah! Rah! Rah!

Game one.

We beat the other team by 9 points. 9 points!

Our soccer team kicks ass!

The other team got two measly points. Guess who scored their first goal?

Fa.

Then after I almost kicked some douche bag father in the neck for making a sly comment, his daughter scored the other team their second goal. Ha. Sweet karma, baby.

So it's official. In just 48 hours, I have become "A soccer mom".

Hold me.