Wednesday, April 16, 2008

In control

I have been examining this life lately.

I believe I have finally come to the realization that I must enjoy it now. For I won't have another chance.

I have been given a clinical name for what I have been suffering for all of these years.


And when Fa was born, Post Partum Psychosis.

I hate labels.

But for some reason. These labels in particular have helped me to let go of all the pain and insecurities I have held deep for so long. There are reasons for why I felt the way I did. I am not the only one who has felt this way. Experienced this. I am awakened to this new found security.

A funny kind of security. It's more of an "ah-ha!" then an "I can do this" thing.

When Fa was born, I was severely misdiagnosed and I wasn't given the correct line of treatment, which may have saved me from years of insecurity and fear vs. what I've gone through. I thought I was losing my mind. And no one even made a blip about my symptoms. I am surprised I got through it as well as I did. Goes to show what your heart can take for your child.

Today, it has a name and symptoms that I actually had, and a cure. A cure that I am finally receiving after 4+ years.

I am relieved. I am justified. I am secure.

I am so happy with being a mother these days that I almost feel jipped. I should have felt this way much earlier. I've lost precious moments due to the visions, fears, insecurities and thoughts.

I can't get those moments back. But I sure as shit can enjoy the ones I am having now.

I am proud of myself for finally, finally taking steps to figure this out. I knew it. I knew it was something more than depression after Fa was born.

Looking back and examining my life so far, I also realize that after the trauma of losing my mother at such a young age, I have done pretty good for myself...even if it took longer than I'd have liked. I survived a loss that led me through a downward spiral of depression and suicidal ideations and I was strong enough (without therapy, back then) to get through it.

I'm one tough bitch.

And finally. Finally. Thanks to Fa and the Pro, (and some damn good psychiatrists and therapists) I have finally begun to step into the light...To enjoy my life and thrive on the events that make it mine and only mine. This is my one and only life.

I am finally strong enough to live it to the fullest.

I am breathing again, for the first time in years. I've taken control and I love every second of it.


  1. awesome !!! you go girl. so helpful you are sharing as well. i can not believe that NO ONE diagnosed you after the birth of Fa, that is so scary to me. However I am realizing how much you have to take your own health and your chidlren's health into your own hands or you may end up in trouble.

    yea for you.

  2. I am so happy for you!

    Go JJ!

  3. I'm so happy and proud for you! All you can do is go forward from here. You rock!

  4. That's so amazing & inspiring. So often doctors don't want to put a name or diagnosis on illnesses, and tend not to completely listen to their patients. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Thanks for sharing.

  5. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    this is awesome. i'm so proud -- and happy for you too.

    i know how it feels to think you are the only one ... and how wonderful it can feel to find out you aren't alone.


  6. Your post gave me goosebumps on my arms and legs. This post of yours? Will be the one that's going to stick with me for the next few weeks.

    And am very happy for you. You ARE one tough cookie. And I'm proud to know you!

  7. So awesome that you can finally jump beyond this and appreciate what you have. love it. live it. Be the amazing woman, wife and mother that you are :) Maybe your blog will help another mother in the future ... many hugs.

  8. This is so wonderful to hear! I am so proud of you!

  9. Hey, congratulations for finally getting the right diagnosis! And feeling good about life.
    I have a one year old son and going from a full time career to stay at home mom I've been feeling pretty blah about life. No diagnosis, but wondering if it's some kind of depression or PPD. Ugh. Not sure where it'll go from here.

    But I also thought you should know I tagged you... if you want!

  10. smoochies, sista.

    And for the record, I HATE that word psychosis.

    I hope you know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I amso glad you are seeing what we have ALL been seeing.

    Huge hugs to you.

  11. You go girl! Kick some fanny and live!

  12. labels ... tells us how to separate and launder. Sounds like you went through the ringer. (my mom had a ringer wash machine when I was a kid@
    it was just a thought that came to me when I read.

    I like how you taking over the sortin, girl!

  13. I'm so proud of you for making through all of that and coming out so strong. Way to go honey! I'm really, really happy for you.

  14. I'm so glad you are feeling better....I have battled my own issues with depression over the years.

    I wanted to mention something...I saw in your profile that you love Sophie Kinsella too...I have read all of them except the newest one "Remember Me?".....have you read that one? I like Emily Giffin too, have your read any of hers? She has a new one coming out in May that I have been waiting for since last year.:)

    I hope you have a great day!

  15. You ARE one tough bitch. Thanks for sharing you story. It's not easy to lay stuff out for the world to see and make yourself vulnerable. I have friends who have gone through the guilt of post partum depression/psychosis. It's a horrible thing and the least we can do is support each other.

    Congratulations to you and thanks.

  16. Hey! FINALLY catching up on my blog-reading. I'm so glad you wrote many people are afraid to talk about what they've been through, but you're showing there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You rock!

  17. That is outstanding. Like they always say, "Better late than never!"

    YOU ROCK ... and don't you ever forget that!

  18. Very inspiring. Glad you are enjoying motherhood and life.

  19. That is so awesome! I so know what you mean about the relief and justification. Congratulations! Let your light shine!

  20. Wow. You are amazing. I'm so proud of you. :)

  21. You have no idea how this makes my heart sing.

    I understand the resentment of feeling like you missed out on something because of depression. The only way I deal with it is to remember that I could be missing the here and now if I was still ignoring it.

  22. hi jj,

    glad you are doing better. glad you sound so much better and determined.

    take good care girl, kathleen xo

  23. I have to say as I sit here reading this, I feel like you are saying the things that have been in my mind and my heart. After gremlin#2 was born I had PPD also. He is 13 and they knew so little about it and just always put it down to "baby blues" it was nothing and I should just suck it up. Now I am in the trenches fighting depression again. It was so hard for me to take that step and admit I needed medication...I really fought it for months. In the end, you were one of the people I thought about when trying to decide. I remember reading about your struggle to make that decision...and knew that if you found the strength to admit you needed help, then so could I.

    Thanks so much for that.


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