Summa Time Revelation

It's summer.

It's the BEST summer ever.

I got through a year of teaching after 6 years off. I made it. I did it.

Never thought I would.

Just ask the Provider. He'd have bet I would have given up after 3 days. I didn't.

It's been a long time since I've last blogged. Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned.
But I've been a bit busy. My apologies. I miss you though, dear blogger. I miss you terribly. I have so much to tell you but I just don't know where to begin. Work was TOUGH. The Litigator ROCKED kindergarten. She already can't wait for 1st grade. I can. My baby is growing up before my eyes. I have no control.

That's the one thing I've learned this year. I have no control. I let go. (A little)... I'm trying, I swear.

Having to be at work every day has given me the opportunity to let The Litigator be. She has HAD to become more and more independent and she has been a trooper. She loves school, loves her friends, loves the play-dates she goes on...in SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR. Loves that she can go to the afterschool program or be picked up by a friend or family member...or babysitter. And I have to let it happen.

It hurts. To let that happen. It hurts in my chest like fire. It makes me want to rip my skin off and give by aching chest some relief. But I let it happen. I have to.

And I've discovered that she CAN be her own person and still come home to me (and NEED me). She loves to see me at the end of the day. We can bond in a different way now. We can talk about her day and I can talk about mine. Every time I pick her up from afterschool, do you know what she asks? She asks, "Mom, how were your 5th graders today?"...She asked me that every single day after school. How much did she want me to have a good day? Oh, she wanted so much for me to have a good day like she had. She has such a heart. She cares like nothing I've ever seen before. If I could only be like her.

My daughter is closer to 7 than 6 now. She's a big girl. She's loving and smart and caring and gives the world's greatest hugs. I am so happy that she is thriving. I am so lucky that I have her in my life. I can't believe how we get along and how we are a true team. I am her mother and I have to be strong for her. It makes her strong. It gives her confidence that everything is gonna be alright. I have to give her that, even if I don't believe it.

Would I rather be home waiting for her, just in case...? YES. Can I be? No. Do I have to make the best of a crappy, unwanted situation? Yes. Am I? I'm trying.

So yes, this is the best summer ever. This is the summer of my motherly awakening. The summer that I can truly appreciate being a mother and a person with a - dare I say, LIFE? This is the summer that I see my daughter becoming a real person. A smart person, a giving person, a loving person. AN INDEPENDENT person.

And I am so proud of her. I am so proud of me. I am so very, very proud of US.