"I wrote this song/blog for you"

I started blogging to keep track of the things that go on with my toddler. I started blogging for that toddler to have something to look back on one day, maybe when I'm not here... I started blogging to maintain some sanity. I met so many cool people while blogging... I started blogging for many reasons, mostly to keep my life with my child relevant...long after I'm gone. I've always wanted Fa to know how loved she is.

Then Fa got bigger. She's no longer that toddler that takes two naps a day. She no longer sits in one spot and plays for hours on end. She needs constant movement, action. She's busy. She has a social calendar busier than I ever had. She's learning to play the drums. She's going to school almost full time. She starts Kindergarten in September. Then, there has been soccer, gymnastics, swimming... all with one child.

I've lost myself again.

And I've lost track of all the goings on around here and this blog has a gap in time. And I regret not journaling the time Fa started swimming on her own without the floaties...I regret not writing about how great she's improving due to her OT sessions. I hate that I haven't posted about all the birthday parties that she's gone to...without fear, able to process the sensation without crying for hours. I hate that.

But I'm emerging again. Smarter, more experienced. Less fearful? (I don't know. I have a lot of baggage in that department.)

I am still grieving after 20 years over the loss of my mother.

I am now grieving over a loss I wasn't even ready for.

I am trying to gather up my senses and make this life worth living. I am trying to show my daughter that this life is worth living.

It is hard.

The whole fucking thing is hard.

But in the end, I just want this blog to be there for my daughter.

She sees me going through crap that I can't explain. She knows I'm off center. She knows Mommy's sad, sick, or crying again...But I don't want her to ever think it's her fault.

So, here I am again at the keyboard. Hoping that not now, but one day she will look at this and maybe even remember "that February when it was Mommy's birthday but she couldn't stop crying...THAT'S what that was about...now I get it."

I am even going over and fixing up some posts from my old blog in order to attach it here so it is all in one place for her one day. Look for the link in my sidebar soon ------->.

This is a journal of my heart for my daughter...

She may not get it now. But one day she will.