Tuesday, March 10, 2009

If only she knew

If only she knew that when I lose my patience, it's not at her..it's at regret, at fear, at doubt.

If only she knew that I hold her back not because she'll hurt herself, but because seeing her suffer is a pain I can not bear.

If only she knew the fears I carry deep in my heart that I long to protect her from, only stops me from being the best I can be.

If only she knew how I've changed my life for her well being.

If only she knew how pride, love, joy, and treasure doesn't even begin to explain what I feel for her.

If only she knew that I am just as scared as she is.

If only she knew that I'm making ALL of this up as I go along.

If only she knew that even when I am scolding her, I am laughing inside at how resourceful she is with the toothpaste, how clever she is for dressing the dog in a tutu, and how artistic she is even when her paints get on my walls.

If only she knew that most of my yelling stems from fear and grief.

If only she knew my love is endless, boundless, limitless even when I am angry and screaming.

If only she knew how hard I work to show her that she is loved and so needed.

If only she knew the joy she brings me, even in my darkest days and my most helpless moments.

If only she knew....If only she knew.


  1. She may not know now, but she will someday.
    Beautiful post. :)

  2. She knows. She knows because you are so passionate about her. She knows.

  3. I've missed you on the interwebs. Just sending some hugs. I'm sorry for all you've been through.

    This post is awesome. She knows!

  4. She knows more than you know she knows.

    And one day, she'll know all this.



  5. Ah, you are too hard on yourself, as always. Fa will come to know all this in due time. In the meantime, she still knows how much you love her, even when you have to scold her or feel like you're holding her back.

  6. You speak to my fears as well. But as everyone else said, I think she does know. Or at least suspects. And the tutu on the dog? That's priceless.

  7. There is no such thing as a perfect mother. We all do the best we can. We all fall short.


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