...At least that's what I think.
But then again, I need a break.
Don't get me wrong, Fa loves school too. Should I be offended that she runs right into the classroom to play with her friends and ignores the likes of me?
I leave feeling a little deflated, but so proud of her independence. It's all I could ask of her, really.
Strange dichotomy isn't it?
Wanting her to love it so much and feel comfortable enough to let go. But then, wanting her to need me just a little longer.
You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.
This weekend she had her first sleepover at her grandmother's house. With her cousins. All girls. (Poor woman.)
Fa enjoyed herself so much that she; a) didn't want to leave and b) wanted to have "another sleepover next weekend"...Hello? Wanna know what I did during the sleepover?
I missed her. I stressed. I hyperventilated a bit.
Well, The Pro and I did have a very nice "date". That was one good thing. It was really nice to reconnect again. I love our dates. They are always so much fun. And I start to feel like we're on the 'same page' again after some time of reading two different books.
I got drunk, of course.
Then I woke up at 6am ready to go and pick her up.
Not reasonable, I know. But I was missing her terribly. And I couldn't breath all that well.
She didn't even ask to call us.
And when we got there, she seemed, well...disappointed. Damn it.
But my Dad gave me a really good pep talk. He said that's what I want. I want to see her strong and independent. He said "You know, you have to let go."
I know it.
But it's so hard.
How did he do it? He seemed quite good at it, honestly.
I feel by letting go it's making her stronger and more self sufficient. But in the same breath, by letting her go, my heart breaks into shards each time I see her leave. Even if for just a little while. It's a sign of the future. Having to let go. For good.
Oh!
My aching heart.
Is school the precurser to and independant life for her, or for me?
Both, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to let go and even harder to be let go of. But it means that you have done your job well.
Much like the caterpillars that you and Fa took care of....You knew you did your job well when that butterfly fluttered its wings and flew away.....And it was beautiful, right?
I know our children are not the same as butterflies, but you know what I mean. And like butterflies, if you stand still and let them do their thing independently....sometimes they flutter back and land on you.:)
Even though my boys are both teenagers now, if they are sad or tired...they come find me and want me to wrap my arms around them. They still need (and want) their mama.
Sigh.
God bless,
Amy:)
Yep. This is where it all begins. It's hard to realize that we're doing a job that, if we're good at it anyway, we're obsolete in a few years.
ReplyDeleteit is so hard. and it seems so easy for them. don't they know we just want them to need us!!
ReplyDeletefunny, i just wrote a whole treatise about this as the answer to a question from another blogger: maria, the immoral matriarch.
ReplyDeletei think letting go is the hardest thing about being a parent.
Im so with you. When B doesnt want to go home at the end of the day I just miss him so much. But then a go have a glass of wine and appreciate having an extra 20 min to myself.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean! When mine were little, I'd call anytime I had to leave them. I called the babysitter at least once a day when I was working. I called my mom whenever they went to stay with her. When they started school, it wasn't far from where I worked, so I'd go have lunch with them one day a week. Even now, I call every other weekend when they go to their dad's. They usually stay with my mom on Saturdays, and I always call. (They humor me, but they never have asked to call me, either). I guess it's something you never really outgrow, but hopefully it will get a little easier for you.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
You know i hate to say it but you NEED another kid :P Then letting go would be just a tad easier :)
ReplyDeleteMany Hugs!!!!!!
It's funny - Mozza had her first sleepover this past weekend as well! I felt the same things that you described. It's a double edged sword! I'm glad that Mozza is confident enough to be without me. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Both, I guess.
ReplyDeleteMy boys are the same way though. They run to school without so much as a glance back at me.
*sniff, sniff*
Oh well. Better this way than clinging to me, scared to death to leave my side for even a second. That would really be heartbreaking trying to send them out into the world like that.
Strange indeed. On one hand I love that the twins are getting so independent and are big kindergarteners now but on the other hand it totally sucks because they're getting very independent and needing me less.
ReplyDeleteWaaaa!
Yep I totally get it.
I am sure it sucks. But I am proud of you for getting through it. She needs to see how strong you are.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know what? You are a crap load stronger than you give yourself credit for. WAY more stronger. I see it, everyone sees it.
And you know what? I think that Fa is helping you to see it.
Smooches.
Big Z is in PreK- and she has always been with family- as far as daycare- so there was always someone she knew. I was getting her prepard- and telling her that mommy & daddy would not be able to stay with her, and she would need to stay with the teacher and other kids- and she tells me "I know Mommy, I will make my own new friends". It broke my heart a little- but also made me feel good that she probably wouldn't be sitting in the classroom crying for me. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's one of those weird moments where you are both sad and happy, isn't it?!?
ReplyDeleteI find the worst is when I come to pick him up and he doesn't want to go with me, he wants to stay.
Most of the time when you hear a parent say that their child isn't ready for some kind of outing without them, it's not the child that isn't ready, it's the parents!
I think it's an independent life for both of you - in some ways.
ReplyDeleteBut I also think that the two of you will always be very close.
I agree, I think it's both of you. This is one of the main reasons I have the kids in gymnastics and dance class. It's a brief little time once a week for all of us to be away from each other and (hopefully) help next fall when the Queen starts school.
ReplyDelete