Saturday, April 2, 2011

I don't care.

I'm really stressed out.
Work is kicking my ass.

I'm worried I'll be stuck in a school that I'm not happy to be in.
I love my co-teacher. She gets me through. But the place itself. Oh.

I'm really in a place of introspection. Why did I choose this career? Why do I dislike it so? Why can't I really do what I payed thousands of dollars to do? (My master's degree is basically useless.) I'm stuck in a place literally and figuratively that I'm not happy with. How do I get out? I really hate being a working mom. Do I continue to be a working mom and try for another child? Do I just cut my losses and dredge on? Do I try to make a change in my career?

All this (and more) circles my brain on a daily basis. And I can't get out of my head. Makes getting to work almost impossible.

If it weren't for work, I'd be pretty content right now. But I have to make a living. We need my income and my medical benefits. That's the only reason I'm working.

Is that a reason to teach? Little kids are depending on me being present emotionally and physically every day. And I'm disappointing them. At least I feel like I'm disappointing them.

I went to my old school yesterday to try and get back there. It looks optimistic, but it's not definitive yet. I need an answer. I hate being in limbo. The position I really want, I can't have. No special ed degree. Why did I spend so much money on a useless degree? I even sent out resumes. Big deal. If I start in a new place, I lose tenure (something seemingly impossible to reattain) I can't afford to start over again.

I hate feeling like this. I need to clear my head and my aura. I need a fresh outlook. I need to find the good in the place I'm in right now. I need to meditate. On a better place. In life and in work. Because if work is good, then life is good. I deserve that. My family deserves that.

The ongoing joke with my friend and co-teacher is "I don't care".

It clears the negative energy from the room...and makes us laugh. But in reality, I DO care. I want to make a difference. I want to be universally happy. I want to want to care.

However, for now to get me through...I'm gonna belt it out whenever I feel tense....


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