Tuesday, February 21, 2012

February is a time for me to reminisce...

Since my birthday is in 6 days, it seems February and the weeks following my birthday makes me melancholy. (it doesn't take much)...but I'm noticing that my meloncholy state runs throughout the year...

This post was written in Feb. Makes me cry.

This post gives me goosebumps.

This one is a reminder to me every day.

And this one truly opened up my heart and healing for probably the very first time on here.

There are so many depressing posts on here, intertwined with some joy and laughter...But I wrote this blog for my daughter and I'm starting to think she may only see a darkness in her mother that I have been trying to hide form her from day one.

Maybe it's just my temperament. Husband says my default mood... is.... bad.

He's not wrong.

I'll be 40 in 6 days. Half my life is over. I've lived longer without my mother than I have with her. I miss her every single second of every singel day and it's 23 years she's gone. She was 48 when she died.

There goes that whole, It'll happen to me fear too.

I need a change of scenery.  A new career, one that gives me pleasure, not pain. I have some ideas. Ideas that take time from work and money. I need to figure out a plan.

I can't let the last half of my life be a repeat of the first half. Otherwise, I've let my daughter down.

Any suggestions?


  1. Those posts were a beautiful picture into your heart. You have such pain there, don't you. I can tell you love your mother deeply, and miss her just as much.
    Wish I had words of wisdom which would stop the hurt. Some of those suggestions you seek.
    The only thing I know to do is to pray for you, asking God to hold your heart and bring you healing. And that is what I'm doing right now, my friend. Father, will you wrap Your arms of love around my friend in this very moment? Will You speak to her of Your love and assure her of Your presence? Please give her a glimpse of Your goodness and love!

    Love to you,

  2. My birthday was just on Saturday! 39 here.

    I keep thinking one of these days I'm going to figure out what I'm going to do when I grow up.


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