Bucket Wha?

Am I supposed to have a bucket list?
All the things I want to do/accomplish before I'm 40?

I don't have one.

I don't even have a bucket item.

I'm just perfectly fine in my suburban life. My daughter. My husband. My cat. My home. My (feh.) Job.

What more can I ask for?

I've lost so much in my life. I'm finally content where I am. Why do I need a bucket list?

I don't want to travel.

I don't want to meet anyone famous. (Except Russel Brand and maybe Johnny Depp)

I don't want to DO anything in particular. (Except Russel Brand and maybe Johnny Depp)

I'm perfectly fine.

Why ruin a good thing?

I have one more year until I'm 40. One more year to potentially create a bucket list. I love lists why haven't I created one before?

Any suggestions? Do you have a bucket list?

Damn That's Good Stuff

Got to the beach today. Yay. I needed that. What a nice day to veg. And play.

This image reminds me so much of me, it's crazy.

We love digging for crabs, sunning, collecting shells and rocks, catching the little minnows that nip at our feet in the water. It's a blast. Our best days are spent right here at this beach. Not 5 seconds from our front door. Lucky? Youbetchya.

As the Girl wades and swims, I am reading The Book Thief. 

I can't put it down. Read it. It's a book that you will never forget. It is a Historical Fiction Novel narrated by death. Can you imagine? Death with a voice and a sense of humor? And sometimes not. I love it.

Speaking of books, read this one too...The Help.

My first audio book from iTunes. I couldn't stop listening. It was heartwarming, heart wrenching and fun and another really great Historical Fiction piece.

Oh, and The girl reads now too. Like she's been reading her whole life. Her suggestions:

1) Diary of a Worm.

Her favorite parts, and I quote Doreen Cronin. "May 28th...Last night I went to the school dance...You put your head in, you put your head out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about...That's all that we can do."

and "June 15th...My older sister thinks she's so pretty. I thold her that no matter how much time she spends in the mirror, her face will always just look like her rear end."

Comical.

2) Junie B. Jones Books. Since she's going into 1st grade, The Girl is into Junie B's. First Grade adventures.

3) Anything from this knucklehead:

Hey, it's promoting her literacy skills...Don't judge.

Since elementarty school started she's into the "Big Girl" Nick shows like iCarly, Big Time Rush and Victorious just to name a few. And I gotta say, I like them. They are cute and harmless and she loves to dance and sing to the music. And okay so there's a little kissing between the sexes, but what evs? She's gonna see it anyway. Make it taboo and it becomes something born out of curiosity. Then where am I?

Listen, this kid knew where babies came from at 3. I'm not holding back any info here. Ignorance may be bliss but Knowledge is Power.

She's one smart cookie. I can't hide anything from her. And I won't. I'd rather her fird out from me than some stupid kid in her class.

Speaking of growing up. We've had that "stranger danger" talk again. I've come up with two good rules for detecting trouble. Yes, you may use them. 

1) An adult will NEVER ask a child for help with anything. Finding a puppy, kitten, lost child...period.

2) If a Stranger approaches, run. How do you define a stranger you ask? Well, a stranger is someone you've never sat at a table with to have dinner.

I know, kids can be abused by family members and people they know also. We talk about that too. I've told her the deal. I can only hope I've armed her enough. She's already had to deal with bullying kids and kids who can't keep their hands to themselves in school, I think she's getting it. I think she's toughening up too. It's hard and it takes time. But I try to get her to talk to me as much as I can. All the more now because when she's a crabby teenager, I'm lucky if I get a grunt.

That's why bonding on days like today. Rocks. I love these summer days. The ones where we can enjoy each others company and chit chat and giggle...

I love 6. 6 Rocks.

Oh, I gotta go...iCarly is on and I want to watch it....

I have no excuse.

My suckage is magnified. I miss you all. I really do.

My Google Reader was just opened (since March) and I felt like I was home.

Facebook has taken over. Life has taken over. Time refuses to stand still for me.

But I just read a post from my dear friend Margaret that prompted me to say. I miss you all...

Who know's if anyone will ever realize that I posted something? I hope some of you do. If not.

Just know I am still here...Still breathing, sometimes hyperventilating.

My daughter starts Kindergarten in September. And I am going back to work the exact same day as her. I am dreading this new phase in our lives. I have so much guilt and regret for certain things this past year and I feel unable to change things at this point. So work it is. For now.

So. I will need a venting place. This will be it. I hope you are all still along for the ride. I would hate it if you weren't.

Yesterday was my 8th wedding anniversary. And there are some days that I can't believe we are still married then there are most other times when I realize I really can't live without him. How have I fallen so hard? I dunno. But I am grateful for his presence.

Summer is almost over. I have so much to do for the fall. School supplies for her have been purchased. For me, not so much. I am stalling. I don't want to go back.

I lie. I would like to want to go back. I am looking forward to the company of adults and using my brain again. I miss teaching.

But I am afraid I'll be missing so much of my little girl's first school year. I can't let that happen. Any suggestions? Help.

Well, off to swim class now, then a playdate. I am truly busy. But you are all on my mind. Daily.

December 20th

I can't believe I have a five year old daughter.

It seems like just yesterday she was born.

Now, I'm filling out the paperwork for kindergarten.

How fast does it go, really?

It's been over a month since I've put words to posts here at this blog, and it feels like I was just here yesterday. I miss you all.

In coming back, I find that one very good blogging friend is expecting her third child.

And...

My other very good blogging friend Margaret had a baby on the 17th. I've heard all about her journey from the day she found out she was having this beautiful boy, through some trying and scary stuff and now he's here.

I have hardly any advice for her. Just enjoy each and every moment like it is your last.

I spent the first 3 and a half years wishing my daughter would be old enough to understand. Wishing that the infant would stop crying. Wishing she would grow up. Now, she understands more than I thought possible and I feel I've lost some precious moments in my urge to rush.

She is very excited to be five. But in that excitement and maturity comes understanding. And she says she will miss having someone to "take care" of her. (Like I would ever stop doing that.) She says she worries that I will go to heaven like my mother did to me and she will be a young child, Motherless.

She is way to young to be worried about that stuff. And I have made her worry.

Yes, I have been honest with her about everything and told her all I can regarding her questions about life and love and loss. But she is smart. She puts stuff together that most 5 year olds don't. And I am left once again with guilt.

I know she is just starting to understand and it will all come clear to her one day. But my heart. It hurts for her. Her innocence lost. The time I rushed. The time wasted by wishing it away. Time WE will not get back.

Now here she is. Five. Ready to start her journey of independence. Questioning her role, but loving life. I see me in her. I see myself in her a lot. In the way she looks. Her actions. Her words.

And I want to instill in her the power to trust herself. I am still learning that. I hope we can learn together.

I asked her what her favorite part about being four was. She said she liked when I helped her clean her room. What kid says that?

I asked her what she was looking forward to at five. She wants to be a veterinarian. I love that about her. Time is no concept. And she is confident that whatever she wants she will get. It will not be given to her per se, but she will get it on her own.

She is confident. I love that. That helps her to forgive. Because she knows she is loved. And all you need is love.

I could have a total screaming fit at her for something so silly and in a moment, she has forgotten my madness. Time. Heals all wounds. For some faster than others. For her in an instant. For me, a little longer.

However, this time I have learned. Not to rush anything. And I am enjoying each and every moment of five that I can. I'll never have it again.

I will take this time to savor each flavor of five. The bad times and the overwhelming good times. The tears and the belly laughs.

I am so lucky to have this little girl in my life and I will not let that get passed me. Ever.

So today, I share five with all of you. I hope as a gift to my daughter, you take this moment to hug your children no matter how old. Or how young. Hug your parents, hug your partner, hug yourself.

Understand that time doesn't stop. Time will pass as our lives pass in the blink of an eye. Don't rush it and enjoy it. Envelop your time and keep your time precious in the folds of your soul. It's all we have. Time and Love.

Savor it.

All my love chelle...

I love you all.

Margaret, my dear friend enjoy this time. I wish I could be there to hug you.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl. You are my most precious gift. I'm sorry I will hug you too much today. But you will understand one day. I promise.

Just Poetik

So iPhone has this app. where you can create your own poems using Shakespeare's words. I love it.

And I wrote this in the throes of an almost 5 year old tantrum.

Yes, I was actually playing with it while she was screaming and kicking and thrashing about.

Not bad huh?

Yeh, she calmed down. Eventually. But she is having a hard time of this growing up thing. Me too.

I pledge...

Ok. So now that I got that off my chest... I want to thank you all for your amazing comments.

And in a very special comment from a very special blog friend about my last post. I was challenged to make a pledge.

So, today I pledge to Annie to remain positive even when I feel very negative.

And my very first positive thought to this pledge is this:

The very best thing about blogging is all the wonderful connections I've made while airing out my "Dirty Laundry". I am grateful to all of my special blogging friends. And I am thankful to be a part of their lives.

(Quite appropriate don't you think, for a first blog pledge?)

Thank you Annie for your kind words and your idea to stay positive. I needed that.

Smart TV

Peek-a-BooI see you.

Hi.
We are obsessed with this show these days.

Duck is me. In blue. A lot sarcastic and smart assed. Peep is Fa. Inquisitive and curious and a problem solver.


It's a smart show too. Have you seen it? Scientific discoveries in a real life setting. Making learning about science real by connecting it to real life situations... using cute as a button characters. Every kid big and small will fall in love with them. I love it.

Know what else Fa and I totally crack up at:

I love that monkey. And the show is really smart too. Builds vocabulary and word recognition.

Oh! And this too:

Click it to get to the site.

Why didn't I think of that? Actually I did. When I was in a classroom I used to do a project like that with the kids...Drawing the words inside the shapes that they represent like 'apple' and 'fish'. Now there's a show that does just that.

Teaches reading and word building skills. Helps the visual learner (as I am) to recognize letters and words and their sounds and meanings. Brilliant, I tell you.

Whaddya think? Is too much of THIS kind of TV a bad thing? I think you know my opinion. What's yours?

Now THAT was a tantrum!

Oh I dunno, about two hours filled with screaming and yelling and crying.

Yeah, that was our Sunday night. And no it wasn't me.

It was her.

Door slamming, room confinement, "I'm gonna die in here" threats.

It was So. Much. Fun.

Cursing. Oh the cursing. (Now, that was me.)

I gave up. I did my best and I tried to keep calm with her yelling and him getting more mad by the second.

She was tired, we were tired.

I yelled at him, he cursed at me.

I made him deal with it the rest of the way through.

And ya know what?

He calmed her down, showered her and got her ready for bed. When she finally got to me again. She was weepy but calmer.

I should give up more often.

I learned my lesson.

And all for what?

We had a great day! A great weekend!

She played soccer. Pretty good too, may I add.

Her cousins came to cheer her on.

They ate ice cream and played in the basement.

The basement.

Unsupervised.

Uhm hum....That's how it happened.

She's the only child.

Three older cousins...2 sisters, one close enough sister. Her, the baby. Alone. Tired. Dirty. Cranky.

One of her chalk board drawings, "My most beautiful picture...EVER!" got accidentally erased. (I'm not so sure how accidentally, truthfully.)

Oh! The horror!

Now, I'm not trying to stick up for my only child or anything. I know she can be a little *ahem* dramatically challenged. But, she has never thrown that kinda fit over something that trivial before.

Or has she?

Maybe?

Maybe.

Okay, yes.

She has.

Over something quite similar actually. Not the chalk board, the magic magnet board. And it wasn't family she sent out with threats of hatred and evil screams. It was her best friend. And everyone cried that time too.

You see, she hates to throw ANYthing out. And when she saves something...she saves it.

Especially stuff that is supposed to be 'changed' when the mood strikes. DON'T you dare touch it, or all hell will break loose.

Drawn, originally July '07

Accidentally 'altered', Sept. '08

So, when I heard the piercing screams from my livingroom, you can only imagine what I initially thought?

So, you can also understand why I was skeptical about it being an 'accident'...until I processed the situation. This morning. While I was typing this post.

So, can you see why I let him handle it?

So, Yeah. Now THAT was a tantrum.

It's Way Too Soon

I can't even TRY to change the subject.

She won't let me get away with this much longer.

Avoidance and plain talk doesn't fly with this kid.

She wants answers. Answers to questions that her little mind can't possiby compute.

Answers that will for sure cause a raucus in her innocent little mind and not translate very well to her preschool friends.

How do I explain how she was made?

How does "We wanted a baby and mommy and daddy made you" become not good enough for an almost 5 year old?

How do I explain that she's not adopted (where the hell does she learn this?) and that she is ours, made from us?

How do I explain why she was in my belly and how she got there and how she got out?

'Cause lemme tell ya, she ain't havin' the short version for much longer people.

It is way too soon for this, dear me.

School is Cool...and other reasons to let go.

...At least that's what I think.

But then again, I need a break.

Don't get me wrong, Fa loves school too. Should I be offended that she runs right into the classroom to play with her friends and ignores the likes of me?

I leave feeling a little deflated, but so proud of her independence. It's all I could ask of her, really.

Strange dichotomy isn't it?

Wanting her to love it so much and feel comfortable enough to let go. But then, wanting her to need me just a little longer.

You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

This weekend she had her first sleepover at her grandmother's house. With her cousins. All girls. (Poor woman.)

Fa enjoyed herself so much that she; a) didn't want to leave and b) wanted to have "another sleepover next weekend"...Hello? Wanna know what I did during the sleepover?

I missed her. I stressed. I hyperventilated a bit.

Well, The Pro and I did have a very nice "date". That was one good thing. It was really nice to reconnect again. I love our dates. They are always so much fun. And I start to feel like we're on the 'same page' again after some time of reading two different books.

I got drunk, of course.

Then I woke up at 6am ready to go and pick her up.

Not reasonable, I know. But I was missing her terribly. And I couldn't breath all that well.

She didn't even ask to call us.

And when we got there, she seemed, well...disappointed. Damn it.

But my Dad gave me a really good pep talk. He said that's what I want. I want to see her strong and independent. He said "You know, you have to let go."

I know it.

But it's so hard.

How did he do it? He seemed quite good at it, honestly.

I feel by letting go it's making her stronger and more self sufficient. But in the same breath, by letting her go, my heart breaks into shards each time I see her leave. Even if for just a little while. It's a sign of the future. Having to let go. For good.

Oh!

My aching heart.

Is school the precurser to and independant life for her, or for me?

Rah! Rah! Rah!

Game one.

We beat the other team by 9 points. 9 points!

Our soccer team kicks ass!

The other team got two measly points. Guess who scored their first goal?

Fa.

Then after I almost kicked some douche bag father in the neck for making a sly comment, his daughter scored the other team their second goal. Ha. Sweet karma, baby.

So it's official. In just 48 hours, I have become "A soccer mom".

Hold me.

Summer Lovin'

I love summer.

This is how we've been spending our latest days.

Butterfly watching in our very own garden.

Making ourselves 'wrinkled as raisins' from all the water.

Keeping all the wildlife happy.

Celebrating the birth of new life

(our new baby cardinals: see Mamma?)

That's Daddy keeping a watchful eye all day long.

They live in this tree right off of our porch.

And they have neighbors.

All leaving lasting impressions on my heart.

How we fell in love....The Finale. Honeymoon in Vegas.

I couldn't end the walk down memory lane at the wedding.
Our honeymoon was just as memorable.

We bid our guests farewell the next day, after the delicious brunch we held. We toured some more vineyards with friends before we took off to Carmel.

The hotel was a slice of heaven tucked away in the mountain cliffs.

I still cry when I see this image. Remember when the pianist timed his solo of "Claire de Lune" to end just as the sun set into the horizon. I'll never get over the emotion it invoked. It was like watching the ocean devour the heat of the sun while our ears enveloped the sound of the piano.
Magical.
Catalina Island never met tourists like us before...
Only we would find humor in the phallic vegetation of the Pet Cemetery.

The thunderstorms and epic heat of the Mohave Desert was a treat. Anything was bearable headed to Las Vegas...
My first time in Vegas and it was a blast. I can't decide what I loved more. Partying with Depeche Mode, their concert or falling asleep while you went to gamble in the Hard Rock.

Our Honeymoon was just the beginning of our married life together and it has been a ball. We've hit rocky terrain at times but there's no one in this world I'd want to ride it with.

I love you Big Daddy.
Thanks for the experiences you've given me. Thanks for the memories we're making. Thank you for holding my hand when I've felt alone. Thank you for making me feel like the best person in your life. Thank you for making me giggle even when I don't feel like it. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift ever, our daughter. Thank you for being you.

How we fell in love....part four. The Big Day.

August 3, 2001

Our wedding day.

How much fun it was.

And how in love we were.

I'll never forget the weather and the aroma of the vineyard.
The wine cellar was as romantic as you could get.

The day was perfect. The guests were having fun. We were taking it all in.

Oh! My beautiful cake. I've never even heard of 'Fondant' until we saw that cake!


And I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, if you asked.

I love you Big Daddy.
Happy Anniversary.

***

Want the beginning:
Part One, Part Two, Part Three

How we fell in love....part three. Haiku Scouting.

(Click here for Part I, and Part II)

May of 2000
Our favorite place to eat
The corner table

Without me knowing...
You asked and I said, "OF COURSE!"
Are you kidding me?

It was so spark-ly!!!
Just what I've always wanted.
So very spark-ly.


Plan set in motion
Getting married in Napa
Place we fell in love

Scouting locations
Best time in February
to go to Napa

It's a good thing that
Queen of the Valley ER
Opened up for us

Who knew that mud baths
would send me to the ER
with UTI pain!

Gah!

The ER was closed
Turned the lights on just for us
Small Town Hospital

But we kept going
Only had a few short days
Even with no sleep

Visiting vineyards
So drunk, couldn't even eat
Always time for wine

My favorite place
Didn't do weddings, too bad
We'll keep looking though

Then we saw the church
We instantly fell in love
And the deal was sealed

This would be the best
experience of our lives
Our Napa Wedding

***

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For the Love of All That is Holy...Why Oh Why? But so much fun to get on camera.

At least 10 minutes.

That's the approximate amount of time I waited behind "Mary" (Swear that's her real name) and her poor pussy whipped husband in the yogurt aisle. And they were planted there waaaay before I got there.

Poor PW'ed husband: "But Mary, they're all mixed up, I don't know where the sale yogurts are!"

All I wanted was to get in and get out with some yogurt. I don't ask for much.

Am I complaining? Over something as trivial as this? You bet your ass. I snapped them with my iPhone....stealth paparazzi. I love it.

How we fell in love....part two. Back again.

We promised to return to "Our Special Place" one day. And we did. December of '98 we went back to celebrate New Year's.

And right away, you took me to my bridge. Walking over it was the most exhilarating thing ever...

And you weren't the least bit embarrassed by me when I took all those pictures.
Stopping traffic to get that special shot.

We even made it to my favorite winery all in time for New Year's Eve at the Fairmont Hotel in San Fransisco.

I remember thinking, "If he asked me to marry him, I would."