I miss blogging. I miss my readers and my online family that I created once, long ago.
But I don't know how to juggle it all.
I'm not a juggler.
I'm a struggler.
I'm struggling again.
My anxiety and depression is back.
The thoughts and fears have crept back into my bloodstream.
I'm having panic attacks and chest pains.
I know It's work, my job gives me stress.
Always has been since I've gone back. Three years ago.
But this year in particular is a rough one. And my triggers are back.
And once again, I'm down on myself.
Like everything else I love, I've let go of blogging.
Like everything else I'm good at, I give up because my confidence is low.
Like everything else I've given up on, I regret it.
And I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
And I look at my beautiful little girl and I worry for her. I don't ever want her to feel this agony. This pain and suffering. And it's genetic. And of course I blame myself for giving her this affliction...before she even shows one sign.
I was doing well. I was taking anti anxiety and depression meds and doing great. Then I thought I could do it alone. And I see once again, I can't.
And I'm scared.
...Of living my entire life in fear of really living. REALLY living.
So here I am. Turning to blogging. To let go.
But it's been too long. Too little, too late?