Thursday, January 26, 2012

What am I doing?

I miss blogging. I miss my readers and my online family that I created once, long ago.

But I don't know how to juggle it all.
I'm not a juggler.

I'm a struggler.
I'm struggling again.

My anxiety and depression is back. Full force.
I'm scared.
The thoughts and fears have crept back into my bloodstream.
I'm having panic attacks and chest pains.
I know It's work, my job gives me stress.
Always has been since I've gone back. Three years ago.
But this year in particular is a rough one. And my triggers are back.

And once again, I'm down on myself.
Like everything else I love, I've let go of blogging.
Like everything else I'm good at, I give up because my confidence is low.
Like everything else I've given up on, I regret it.
And I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

And I look at my beautiful little girl and I worry for her. I don't ever want her to feel this agony. This pain and suffering. And it's genetic. And of course I blame myself for giving her this affliction...before she even shows one sign.

I was doing well. I was taking anti anxiety and depression meds and doing great. Then I thought I could do it alone. And I see once again, I can't.

And I'm scared.

...Of living my entire life in fear of really living. REALLY living.

So here I am. Turning to blogging. To let go.

But it's been too long. Too little, too late?


  1. I took a very extended break from my blog, too. Then, now, it looks like I'm back again, at least to post a picture a day. Of course it turns into more because I missed expressing myself and seeing what my blog friends were expressing. I'm glad you are back.

    I'm not a doctor. I do hope that, if you think it was helping before and might again, you'll talk to your doctor about giving it another try if you haven't already. I know so many people who are able to live their lives more fully and more like they want to live thanks to medicine that allows it to be so.

    Did I mention that I'm so glad you are back? I'm glad you are back. Stay awhile, OK?

  2. Never too late.

    And if you need the meds to do great... use the meds. Life is just too short to struggle if you don't need to. Especially when you have your little girl to enjoy!

  3. I'm still here, and I am always here for you. (I have a new 'net home, even!) I get the depression and anxiety. I am going through a bit of it myself right now, though I've been having a few good days here lately. I have all but given up on my blog as well. But then again, no one reads it. If the meds help, I hope you will consider going back on them. Being anxious and depressed is no way to live, and if you don't have to live with it? Then you shouldn't. Don't let it control and then ruin your life. *hugs*

  4. Lifting you up in my heart and prayers. It's real - and unless someone has been there and felt the monster creep in so unexpectedly -- other's don't understand.

    May peace descend upon your spirit, and darkness be chased away by LIGHT. (I speak life to you! And an end to the chemical unbalances of your body that can be such torture. hugs)


Is your laundry done?

Got something to air out?

Do me a favor...leave your e-mail so I can respond to ya!