Monday, July 19, 2010

Rainy Days and Mondays

It rained this morning, hard. Thunderstorms and everything.

I had planned to hit the beach; so that plan was foiled. I hate Mondays and rainy Mondays just blow.

I could have used a nice beach day. It's sunny now but I'm not in the mood any more.

I get so upset when we have no plans for the day. I feel like I've given up a good day of fun. Sometimes I talk myself out of it and say, we really could use the rest. But today I really wanted to do something.

Then, it starts. The what ifs and what happened? I get so into my own head when I'm stagnant. It's scary. I'm not even stagnant this summer and I'm already thinking too much.

Why do I do this to myself?

There has to be a way out of this type of thought process.

I'm like manic. One day I'm high as a kite, the next I'm miserable. It's usually triggered by an issue that's been festering, or an argument, or a thought. This time it was an argument. Now, I'm in it again.

I know I can only get myself out of it. And I know how to do it. And I know I will. But jeez. I hate days like these.

I got two new tattoos. I love them so much. I've been waiting so long for them and now I have them. They bring me so much joy. They make me feel really good inside. I use them to drag me out some days.

People might think that's crazy but I think it's a relief. To have something that makes me so happy. Something that I will take with me for the rest of my life.

Something other than my child.

We know how I feel about separation anxiety. I mean really, look at how many times I've blogged it. I mean it infests my soul.

I could go on for a long while linking...but if you are so inclined go read the "Dirty Beginnings" link up there on the right.

I am crazed by it. Separation. Loss. Death. Leaving.

Days like today, enhance those thoughts.

I need to meditate.
I need to vent.
I need a coffee.

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