I am struggling to blog. I try hard. I need motivation. I have so much to say. And I don't know where to begin.
I'm going to the beach again tomorrow with a friend from work and her daughter. Did you read that. A friend from WORK! I haven't said that line in ages.
I didn't want to go back last September. In NY you have 5 years right of return to the DISTRICT but I was able to go back to the SAME SCHOOL I was in before I left. That's pretty rare. It's a long story for another blog and I was "lucky". But boy oh boy I didn't want to go back to work. I use the term "Lucky" here loosely.
The Girl was starting Kindergarten and I wanted to be there for her first year. Instead, other people were. The Pro took her to school every morning after I left for work at 6:45am. I had a babysitter come 2-3 days a week to pick her up from school, because I was still at work. I had the after school program the other days and I had my Mother In Law on rare occasions, when we needed her. I hate not picking her up from school. I hate not being able to BRING her there as well. I've compromised a lot. Especially since I'm always so THERE all the time.
I remember the one time the Girl had a virus. She started puking on a Wednesday morning, about 3 am. As I was sitting there holding her hair back and listening to her yell..."Make It Stop!!!!"...all I could think of was, "I can't take a day off..." However, I called in sick that morning and stayed with my baby. She was a mess. I've never seen that much throwing up. It was her first pukey virus EVER! It was horrible, as all the mothers out there sigh..."her FIRST?" yeah. I was lucky.
The next day I had to leave her with my MIL and then I took Friday off. I hated being at work that Thursday she was still sick, but I just couldn't take three days in a row off. Now, I look back and I say to my self, "Self, you SHOULD have taken the day. It is imperative you are there when she NEEDS you...not when you need her."
SO I've learned, I WILL take the days when my baby girl NEEDS me to. I have, later in the year,
taken days for events at her school. Those days were fun. I took a half day for the Halloween parade. I took a half day for her Holiday Culmination Performance. I took 2 WHOLE days for Parent Teacher Conferences. I took a few days here and there towards the end of the year for "Graduation" etc. So I managed to use 7 of my 10 sick days and still have 3 left over for this year. They roll over, the sick days. Which was why I was always so obsessive about them. I like to hoard sick days. Even though I wind up only using a very little bit. I have a feeling though, like a lot of my other sick habits before motherhood, I'll have to work on dealing with that one.
I hate the days when she's off or has a half day and I have work. I cry on those days. See, when she has school, I can handle the day because I know she's also busy. But when she's off and I'm not. It tears me up inside. Another thing I have to work on.
I've always been sort of a hovercraft hanging over every thing The Girl did. I've struggled this year with letting go. A topic I've blogged about many times over. See.
I've had to give in to my weakness because I had no other option. I HAD to work. I HAVE to work. There is no one out there going to win the lottery and tell me I'm a rich bitch and can stay home again. I'm accepting that. And I'm working on accepting that she capable without me. VERY capable without me. I'm proud of her for that. I'm proud of ME for that. I've helped her get that way in those years I WAS home with her.
But I was not ready. In my head, in my heart, in my soul I was not ready. I don't know why? I'm still trying to figure that out. Maybe there's a small part of me that was waiting to have *gulp* another child. And now that I'm back to work I know that can't happen. I couldn't work with one, who here thinks I could manage it with 2? Not me. PPD is a muther fucker. I am afraid of that too. I was always okay with The Girl being an only child. Then I wasn't and I wanted another. Then, I almost had another and that was lost. Then I had to go to work. It all happened in the blink of an eye. I am bitter and sad over that.
I am trying to take control of this work thing. Like I'm trying to take control of every aspect of my life. But deep in the inner core of my being, I know that can't be done. We have no control, even when we think we do. So how do we deal then? Huh?
I honestly don't know how I got through the entire school year. I don't know how I'm going to get through another one (in a different school...I was only so lucky in that one). I start a new school this year. Double Whammy. I truly don't know how I got this far. I don't believe in God. I don't know what I believe in. So how am I doing it? I don't know.
All I can do is do it. Do it the best way I know how. And hope that I don't fuck up the Girl in any way as I go. She rocks. I am the luckiest mom in the world. I guess that's why I want to be around her so much. I NEED her. And work just gets in the way of that. Then again, so would school. I can't keep her home all the time either.
Oooo Fah. What a post.